These First-Date Questions Will Help You Figure Out If A Second Date Is In Order
These First-Date Questions Will Help You Figure Out If A Second Date Is In Order
First dates are exciting, to be sure, but let's face it: they're a lot of work. Common conversation starters — "Where are you from?" "What do you do?" — aren't what many would consider "riveting." And since no one wants to waste their time on a meaningless connection, these superficial inquires are, at best, futile. But studies have shown that asking the right questions on a first date can accelerate a connection between two people. In other words: quality over quantity, people.
Woman's Day spoke to three relationship experts to find out the best questions to ask on a date that’ll both help you get to really know someone, and (perhaps most importantly) decide if there should be a second date. “It’s most important to ask these questions in your own style,” Susan Winter, bestselling author and relationship expert, tells Woman's Day. “Don’t forget to observe how your date handles the questions you ask. Sometimes what people don’t say is more important than what they do say.” So if you're preparing for a (probably virtual) first date, consider adding the following questions to your dating repertoire.
1) What’s your ideal version of a relationship?
“I want to hear what they’re really looking for in a partner. Do they want to be in a power couple, building something like a business with their mate?" Winter says. "Is their ideal creating a family with a stay-at-home spouse? I would ask the question as if you have no opinion one way or the other, and see where the other person takes it.”
2) Does someone think they’re in a relationship with you right now?
“You can ask this question with a sense of humor," Winter says. "It’ll show if they’re still seeing someone (not in a relationship sense, but if something is still going on). For example, if they say they have a crazy stalker ex, that’s code for 'I’m still sleeping with them.'”
3) Do you do monogamy?
“I’m into monogamy and don’t make any apologies for it. For other people who are also into it, this question can filter a lot of people out," Winter explains. "Yes, you’ll get some raised eyebrows, but if you say it with a sense of playfulness, like it’s a throwaway question, it can seem more casual. When it comes down to what you really want, you want to make sure you’re on the same page as this person.”
4) What brings you joy?
“The healthiest relationships are the ones made up of two people who know how to stoke their own fires. They can cultivate happiness, wonder, and gratitude in their own lives," Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor at Northwestern University, and author of Loving Bravely, tells Woman's Day. " You want to see if the other person talks about things they’re passionate and enthusiastic about. A red flag would be someone who laughs at the question or holds it in contempt. If you’re someone who is genuinely curious about what makes people tick, and the person sitting across the table from you thinks a question like this is ridiculous, it could be an indicator that you may not vibe well together.”
5) How are you?
“A successful first date is going to require two people who are both present for an evolving, unfolding, and curious conversation versus a series of questions that feels more like an interview than the first chapter of a love story," Solomon says. "On a good first date you end up meandering down these side roads together instead of asking a question and then receiving a question in return. The question ‘how are you doing these days?’ is hopefully enough to start a conversation that you could get lost in. A one-word answer is definitely not a good sign.”
6) If all of the animals were suddenly able to talk, which of them would be the rudest?
“A ridiculous question like this helps you assess someone's capacity for playfulness," Solomon explains. "Can you laugh together and let down your guard? Oftentimes there’s a self-protective mechanism that exists on a first date, especially if you’ve been burned in the past. It’s like people show up with clipboards, saying ‘show me how you’re not going to hurt me.' That doesn’t do much for fostering a fun, romantic atmosphere. A question that invites creativity and silliness is important.”
7) What are the top 3 qualities you’re looking for in a significant other?
“What are they looking for in the person they’re dating? You’ll want to hear what they want, as well as what they want to avoid," Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, The Relationship Expert, tells Woman's Day. "It's not a good sign if they can't list any qualities or non-negotiables, as it could mean they're not very self-aware, mature and introspective. You want someone who knows who they are and what they want.”
8) What’s your idea of a perfect day?
“This can help you understand what the other person enjoys doing for fun," Bronstein says. "What do they like doing when they’re not working, and would you want to be part of that?”
9) What’s your relationship like with your parents?
“What this question is really asking is: what have you seen of love? It will give you a lot of information," Bronstein explains. "Of course, keep in mind that people who didn’t or don’t have a good relationship with their parents can still heal and be wonderful partners.”
10) Are you still close with childhood friends?
“This question gives you information about their ability to have long-term relationships," Bronstein says. "Do they keep in touch with people? Are they able to maintain friends for a lengthy amount of time? You want someone who has their own friends and their own life, who isn't a chameleon, blending into their significant other's life.”
First dates can be slightly uncomfortable, no matter how strong that initial chemistry feels. But these questions can help you break through the initial awkwardness to find your ideal match.
Want more relationship tips? Subscribe to Woman's Day today and get 73% off your first 12 issues. And while you’re at it, sign up for our FREE newsletter for even more of the Woman's Day content you want.
Are they worth it? These questions will help you decide.