Grab Your Walley World Mugs! 100 Best 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation' Quotes
These 'Christmas Vacation' quotes are 'all part of the experience, honey!'
Throughout the holiday season, there are plenty of decorative trees to admire and set out, delicious drinks to warm up with (have you tried autumnal apple punch?!), and jam-packed days to spend with the entire family. And if anyone knows what it's like to approach family events with high hopes (and very-mixed results), it's Clark Griswold. The beloved National Lampoon dad has had his share of cringe-worthy and entertaining moments, to say the least. Which is why we're here to remind you that even when the holidays seem overwhelming, it could be much worse (squirrel in the house, worse) with the 100 best National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes!
Related: These 100 Best Christmas Quotes are Guaranteed to Get You Into the Holiday Spirit
These celebratory days with relatives can be filled with cheer, happy memories, grimaces, and watching the clock (even if it's just on your bare wrist, like Rusty!)—sometimes all in the same 10 minutes. But it's fun to see families on screen that are trying to keep it together as well! Whether you're anxiously anticipating a big present this year (anyone carrying around an in-ground pool brochure?) or just grateful you're able to celebrate in a house that is always parked in the same place, re-watching this classic flick is a gift that keeps on giving (like a jelly-of-the-month club)!
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Some of these lines you probably already know by heart, others may have you feeling like Aunt Bethany, but all of them will help get you in the holiday spirit. So put on your teal hats, fancy pink gloves, and faux fur wraps—here are the 100 best Christmas Vacation quotes!
Christmas Vacation Quotes
1. "We're kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols." — Clark Griswold
2. "We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?" — Audrey Griswold
"No, I have one of those at home." — Clark Griswold
3. "Hey kids, look! A deer!" — Clark Griswold
4. "Eat my rubber!" — Clark Griswold
"Dad, I think what you mean is 'Burn rubber, and eat my dust...'" — Rusty Griswold
"Whatever, Russ. Whatever." — Clark Griswold
5. "Eat my road, Red Liver Lips!" — Clark Griswold
6. "I don't want to spend the holidays dead!" — Ellen Griswold
7. "Clark! We're stuck under a truck!" — Ellen Griswold
8. "Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does." — Ellen Griswold
"Amen!" — Clark Griswold
9. "Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down." — Ellen Griswold
"It's all part of the experience, honey!" — Clark Griswold
10. "Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard!" — Rusty Griswold
"It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room." — Clark Griswold
11. "Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Christhmath." — Clark Griswold
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12. "Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?" — Todd Chester
"Bend over and I'll show ya!" — Clark Griswold
13. "A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap." — Clark Griswold
14. "I think you're forgetting how difficult it's going to be having everybody at the house at the same time." — Ellen Griswold
15. "Honey, they're family—not strangers off the street." — Clark Griswold
16. "Your mother waxes her upper lip?...Hmm doesn't show." — Clark Griswold
17. "You're the last true family man." — Bill
18. "I was just smelling...smiling! I was just blouse...browsing!" — Clark Griswold
19. "It wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter-hotter! Than they are." — Clark Griswold
20. "I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul." — Clark Griswold
"God, I'm so sorry!" — Mary
"Oh, no, no! She's not dead. Yet. We're just divorced. She's history." — Clark Griswold
21. "Can't see the line, can ya, Russ?" — Clark Griswold
22. "I'll, uh, park the cars, and check the luggage, and, uh...I'll be outside for the season." — Clark Griswold
23. "Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?" — Rusty Griswold
24. "Oops, a little knot here. You work on that." — Clark Griswold
25. "Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas, and we're all in misery." — Ellen Griswold
26. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?!" — Margo Chester
"I don't know Margo!" — Todd Chester
27. "If you need any help, just give me a holler, I'll be upstairs—asleep." — Grandpa Clark
28. "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas." — Audrey Griswold
"If they know you're dad, they won't think anything of it." — Grandpa Art
29. "Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?" — Ellen Griswold
30. "Is it plugged in?" — Ellen Griswold
31. "Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination." — Clark Griswold
32. "The little lights are not twinkling." — Grandpa Art
33. "You better take a rain check on that, Art—he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet." — Cousin Eddie
34. "Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now." — Clark Griswold
35. "That's a honey of a tree, Clark." — Cousin Eddie
36. "A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him." — Cousin Eddie
37. "He's cute, ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. Mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if y'know what I mean!" — Cousin Eddie
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38. "I just can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room, Eddie." — Clark Griswold
39. "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey." — Cousin Eddie
40. "And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!" — Cousin Eddie
"College?" — Clark Griswold
"Carnival." — Cousin Eddie
"You gotta be proud." — Clark Griswold
41. "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" — Clark Griswold
42. "I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV." — Cousin Eddie
43. "Now, if you'll excuse me—I'm in the middle of an important call... get me somebody...anybody." — Frank Shirley
44. "I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic." — Cousin Eddie
45. "Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!" — Clark Griswold
46. "Later, dudes!" — Clark Griswold
47. "Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?" — Ruby Sue
48. "If you're good, Santa knows it. And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom and you believe in your dad—if you've been good all year round, Santa Claus is going to bring you something." — Clark Griswold
49. "I love it here. You don't got to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place." — Ruby Sue
50. "I can't even afford to be an elf." — Clark Griswold
51. "What are you looking at?" — Ellen Griswold
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, an a**hole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer." — Clark Griswold
52. "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?" — Clark Griswold
"Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position." — Ellen Griswold
53. "This isn't charity, it's family." — Clark Griswold
54. "Here's a little list - alphabetical, starting with Catherine." — Cousin Eddie
55. "Is your house on fire, Clark?" — Aunt Bethany
56. "Is this the airport, Clark?" — Aunt Bethany
57. "I love riding in cars!" — Aunt Bethany
58. "When did you move to Florida?" — Aunt Bethany
59. "Mom? This box is meowing." — Rusty Griswold
60. "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!" — Aunt Bethany
61. "I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." — Aunt Bethany
"Amen." — Everyone
62. "Save the neck for me, Clark!" — Cousin Eddie
63. "Here's the heart." — Clark Griswold
64. "Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sled on its way in from New York." — Clark Griswold
"You serious, Clark?" — Cousin Eddie
65. "Hey, Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy." — Uncle Lewis
66. "He's old. This may be his last Christmas." — Ellen Griswold
"If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas." — Clark Griswold
67. "That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!" — Cousin Eddie
68. "Look what you've done to my tree!" — Clark Griswold
69. "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?" — Grandpa Art
70. "It's a one-year membership in the jelly-of-the-month club." — Clark Griswold
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71. "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year." — Cousin Eddie
72. "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head." — Clark Griswold
73. "Hallelujah! Holy s**t! Where's the Tylenol?" — Clark Griswold
74. "I told you we should have gone to Hawaii!" — Rusty Griswold
75. "I didn't go berserk, I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin, uh, I mean, a tree." — Clark Griswold
76. "Fixed the newel post!" — Clark Griswold
77. "Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound!" — Aunt Bethany
78. "Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high on cholesterol." — Catherine
79. "I'm going to catch it in the coat, smack it with a hammer!" — Clark Griswold
80. "SQUIRREL!" — Grandpa Clark
81. "I can't just attack someone." — Todd Chester
82. "Gone!" — Clark Griswold
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83. "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! No! No!" — Clark Griswold
84. "We're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye!" — Clark Griswold
85. "Don't piss me off, Art." — Clark Griswold
86. "Worse?! How can they get any worse?! Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!" — Clark Griswold
87. "I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels." — Grandpa Clark
88. "It's your house, it's your Christmas, I'm retiring." — Grandpa Clark
89. "When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and... Eddie. With a man in his pajamas and a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles." — Clark Griswold
90. "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?" — Cousin Eddie
91. "Yes, officer? It seems my husband has been abducted. The man was wearing a blue leisure suit." — Mrs. Shirley
92. "I'm sorry, this is our family's first kidnapping." — Ellen Griswold
93. "My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain, is innocent." — Clark Griswold
94. "It's people that make the difference - little people like you." — Frank Shirley
95. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" — Clark Griswold
96. "Frank, honey, you were kidnapped!" — Mrs. Shirley
97. "Welcome to our home—what's left of it." — Ellen Griswold
98. "It's the Christmas star. And that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me." — Clark Griswold
99. "Play ball!" — Aunt Bethany
100. "I did it." — Clark Griswold
Think you could quote them all?! Next up—50 fun Christmas trivia questions (and answers) for family gatherings!