I Hate You...No I Don't...I Love You
01 Jennifer's son sufferers from OCD. His intrusive thoughts constantly attack his love for her as his mother.
02 Learning to separate a person's negatives intrusive thoughts from their true feelings is a crucial part of the healing process. While it may be hard, you must understand that they do not want to think the things they are thinking.
As a parent there's nothing sweeter and more fulfilling than hearing, "I love you" from your children. These simple words leave you feeling loved and wanted.
We all raise our children in hopes of them being respectful and aware of others feelings. How would it feel if they told you, "I hate you"? At least once in our lifetimes, we've all heard "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." But we still walk away from harsh words with our feelings hurt. Did they really mean what they said? Does my child love me, or deep down do they dislike or even hate me?
In life we're thrown curve balls, some more challenging than others. Parenting doesn't come with a rule book; rather we learn as we go.
Each stage of raising children comes with its own set of challenges. What would you think if a friend of yours told you her child tells her, "I hate you Mom! I want a different Mom" or "I'm going to go live with a different family"? Keep in mind, I'm not referring to the occasional, moody teenager expressing their feelings when something didn't go as expected. Rather, these words are spoken from your sweet, sensitive 10 year old son. You, along with most others, would think, "Wow, that's a disrespectful, undisciplined, misbehaved child. My child would NEVER speak to me like that." You're right in some respect.
Your child may never speak those words to you, but mine unfortunately does. Thankfully, he does not intend to be disrespectful, undisciplined or misbehaved. He suffers daily from OCD/negative intrusive thoughts. These thoughts begin the moment he opens his eyes in the morning.
Thoughts like, "You put the wrong foot on the floor while getting out of bed, now your Mom's going to die. Get back in bed and do it again. You didn't do it quick enough. It will be all your fault. You caused your Mom's death. You went through the door with the wrong foot first. You hate your Mom." Some mornings he hugs me and says, "I hate you Mom." Immediately followed by, "No, I don't, that's my brain talking, shut up brain, I love my Mom, she's the best!"
Everyone experiences random, negative thoughts. However, where you and I are able to recognize these thoughts and dismiss them, those with OCD are unable to do so.
The thoughts replay over and over, faster and faster, louder and louder in their minds. I explain to my son, "it's as if there's a scratch on a record, or you have become stuck in the mud unable to move along." This is where ritualistic behaviors come into play in hopes of subsiding or neutralizing the intrusive thought. This is merely a glimpse into the first 15 minutes of our day.
As the day continues, he confesses the negative thoughts to me, searching for reassurance that something horrible won't happen. In fact, he believes that if he doesn't repeat something over and over, the thought will actually happen.
If you or someone you love has this disorder, you know all too well how real and debilitating it is. Whether you're the one experiencing OCD, or parenting a child with OCD, it feels like the life is being sucked out of you. You're left mentally, emotionally and physically drained by the end of the day. The toughest part, is watching the one you love most suffer daily knowing this will repeat itself as soon as they wake up the next morning. Through my parenting years, this has been my biggest curve ball to date. Unfortunately, OCD attack the ones or the things you love most. In my son's case, his OCD is attacking his love for me. Imagine the guilt alone that a child deals with when experiencing these thoughts.
As difficult and heart breaking as it is to watch and hear your child suffer, you must learn to separate the two. You learn to sort through what's genuine and what's being confessed as a negative, intrusive thought. It's important to remember these are not thoughts your child wishes to have; these are a direct result of the disorder. It is overwhelming, but your patience, understanding and love are key in helping your child feel safe. As much as a parent never wants to hear these thoughts expressed, it's even more important for the child to feel that they can share them with you and not have to suffer in silence. Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, and sometimes, words aren't meant to hurt you.