Help! I Just Discovered I Was Dating a Total Scammer.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I (she/her) ended my relationship with my partner (she/her) earlier this year. We lived together for many years. When I met her, she was unemployed, as she’d had a business venture fail. She eventually got a job, and then started working for me in my business—first part time, and then at her urging, she became my full-time employee. Things were great for a long time. My business was growing and she was reliable. It felt like we were building an empire. She had goals to become my partner in the business one day. I was able to pay her well. (I’m aware of how this is often a bad decision for people in romantic relationships—it was the right decision for a long time). She was also in six-figure student debt, so I paid the rent on our place. As my business grew, I was able to afford my dream apartment in my dream location, so I moved there a year and a half ago. She agreed to pay the electric bill.
Then things changed overnight. I discovered a few things: a severe hoarding tendency in her home office (she kept the door closed so I didn’t see how bad it was getting until we got ants); that she wasn’t doing much of her work to a professional standard or in a timely manner; and that she wanted intellectual property credit for an artistic project I was doing on my own. I was working 16 hours a day to make up for the work she wasn’t doing at work. I was now spending thousands a month ordering out meals for the both of us, too, because I had no time to do anything else, and I told her I needed help. I needed her to pick up slack at home, do better at work, something. She cited the electric bill as her pulling her weight—it was hundreds of dollars a month, she said, even in winter when we weren’t running air conditioners. It was almost untenable, she said. She moved out in May. I took over the electric bill. I just received the bill for the first (non-AC) month since she left … it was $19.
Prudie, I feel duped and cheated. I feel so incredibly stupid—I let her into my life, my business. I took care of us the best I could. As the breadwinner in the relationship, I was always conscious about potential financial abuse and wanted to make things fair. I made more so I paid the rent—and she pulled zero percent of the weight, in all areas of our life together. I was talking to a friend about it and told them I feel like I was a victim of financial abuse. Was I?
—Electric Bill Blues
Dear Bill Blues,
Financial abuse typically involves an element of power or control that doesn’t seem to have been present here. But you don’t have to label what happened as abuse to be deeply upset and hurt by it! You were dating a liar and a scammer, whether they were premeditated about it or not. You were taken advantage of. Your trust was violated. You had a really awful experience. The best way forward here is to do a few things.
First, take some time to be mad, hurt, and sad. But not stupid, because you’re not! You don’t have to beat yourself up over this. Keep talking to friends about what happened, and I bet you’ll come away feeling that you’re one of many people who has fallen in love with someone dishonest, disappointing, or even diabolical.
See if you can find some gratitude for getting out of this relationship with your business and finances intact. Yes, you should have a few hundred dollars for every month she spent with you and you’ll never get that money back, but you didn’t lose your home or go into extreme debt. It seems like you’re still doing fine. And in a way, being in a position to be so generous that you’re taken advantage of in this way is its own kind of privilege. You can feel good about yourself for being honest and caring and open to love. It didn’t work out this time, but it could have been a lot worse.
Reflect and learn. Again, I want to be very, very clear that you were not stupid and this was not your fault. But you might want to give some thought to the dynamic here where you were clearly attracted to someone who was struggling and needed a lot of support from you—someone who you had to take care of. And if you find yourself drawn to another woman who needs a lot of care and you start to feel a bit intoxicated by the idea of “rescuing” her, pause and assess whether you want to go down that road again.
“You can’t relentlessly pursue your colleagues. You just can’t. Did this person miss #MeToo?”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
I am a woman in my mid-20s, and I have an older female friend named Alice. We have been good friends for the past few years and have really gotten along. She has been an incredibly great support system for me, especially as I have gone through some very intense hardships over the past few years. I love her like a sister and we always have an amazing time together.
Recently, Alice has developed a crush on her coworker at a law firm. At first, I didn’t think too much about it, but I started to see that it was brought up quite a bit. She began to pursue him. Things began by just going to a park or meeting for lunch. Then she admitted her feelings. Initially, he seemed interested, but soon said he was unavailable and did not want to date. I was there to console Alice through the disappointment and thankfully they were never physically intimate nor did they really flirt. She has continued to work at the same place, but I am becoming concerned. Alice began asking if they could date or what kind of relationship they have and he repeatedly has said some sort of variation of how he is unavailable. He will say he is not wanting to date, or that he is unavailable to even hang out as friends for a while. I see all these as a variation of no, but Alice thinks otherwise. When she speaks about it she says, “we’re not dating yet,” or “it’s just a matter of time.”
Having been on the dating market for a while, I have learned that non-committal communication is a no and to move on, especially if they have already stated that they are not interested in dating. Alice, however, will continue to talk about her coworker as if there is still a chance. She will try to invite him to activities that we have planned together, only to be disheartened and angry when he is unavailable. Recently, we had had plans to go to dinner and Alice invited her coworker to go at the last minute. I was a bit shocked by this and stated I would rather not go if this coworker was coming because I would like to stay out of what was going on between the two of them. Her response was to then say that this opportunity would be a perfect date for her and her coworker. I am becoming concerned that Alice’s behavior is tipping into harassmentm and I am becoming more uncomfortable as I have been in the same position her coworker is in many times, but with other men. Am I overblowing this? I feel as if I need to say something, but I am not sure what. I have been supportive and will usually say “Oh he sounds unavailable” or “That sounds like a no to me,” but it doesn’t seem to connect.
—Harassing Friend
Dear Harassing Friend,
This is very odd and it reminds me of the way people behaved in the latest cult documentary I watched, Escaping Twin Flames. The leaders would identify a soulmate for each of their followers and encourage pursuing these so-called “twin flames” at any cost. And I mean, at any cost. One woman ended up getting arrested! I hope Alice isn’t a member of this group, but either way I share your concern that she could not only make this poor guy extremely uncomfortable, but also cause problems for herself in the workplace. This situation calls for one good clear statement to her: “Alice, I know how much you like Dan, but as your friend, I’m worried that aggressively pursuing someone at work could be really dangerous to your career. People have faced sexual harassment claims for much less. I care about you and just want to urge you to be careful.” If she doesn’t listen—and it sounds like she’s so infatuated and delusional that she probably won’t—you’ll have to remind yourself that she’s an adult and entitled to her own (very misguided and creepy) choices. And you can certainly refuse to be party to any ambush dates going forward.
Dear Prudence,
I have an extremely bad habit I’ve been trying to resolve: I’m terrible at texting people back. I leave friends on read, and if more than four or five days have passed, I can’t seem to convince my brain to go back to it. Too much time has passed in my mind and I’m embarrassed. This has been a problem for me for a while, but I can’t stop thinking about a guy I ghosted at the start of 2023. We had been friends for a few years, and in his last conversation, he implied wanting to be a bit more, and then I ghosted him for a year! I feel awful, and this is behavior I keep repeating. It’s cost me friendships in the past, but I just can’t seem to stop this mental block. Are there any tricks to retraining my mind to stop abandoning conversations? And what can I say to properly apologize to the people I’ve done this to?
—A Ghost
Dear Ghost,
What if you were to set aside 10 minutes every day—at moment when you’re typically feeling your best and least overwhelmed by life, like precisely when you’re morning coffee hits, or when you get out of the shower at night, or immediately after finishing a workout—and make that “reply to everyone” time? Put on some music, set a timer, and just get it out of the way. Hold yourself to a very low standard and allow yourself non-witty, boring responses. Emoji reactions and memes count too. I suspect that while this will be uncomfortable, it will ultimately be a lot less uncomfortable than living with the feeling that the people you’ve ghosted are mad at you.
Another choice might be to warn people in advance. As soon as you meet or start dating someone, let them know that you have a struggle you can’t quite explain when it comes to writing back, and ask them if they will double and triple text you—or even pick up the phone—before taking it personally and giving up on the relationship.
I was extremely overweight for more than a decade. It turns out I had a hormonal issue, and I’ve gotten that figured out. Over the last year, I’ve lost more than 80 pounds. I feel great.
Now that I feel better, I’ve joined a cycling group. That’s where I met “Dave.” Dave is amazing. He’s funny, smart, and kind. He’s also incredibly gorgeous and fit. We’ve started dating, and I’m very happy—except for one thing. We’ve reached the point in our relationship where we’ve started getting physical, and I’m very hesitant because of my breasts, which are incredibly saggy.
