Help! I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Poisoning Me.
It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.
The 2010s—according to letters readers sent to Prudie—were all about incestuous twins, poisonings, and Taylor Swift. Read on for some of our favorite Dear Prudence letters from the decade.
Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law hates me and makes no bones about it when she and I are alone. My husband doesn’t believe me, and she even gloats about that. We have to attend family functions at her home about once a month. (It used to be more frequent, but after I put my foot down, my husband agreed that monthly would be sufficient.) The problem is that after each visit, I wind up with a bad case of diarrhea; my husband does not. I don’t know if the other in-laws are affected, because if I asked, it would get back to her. I suspect that my mother-in-law is putting something in my food or drink. Last time, I barely made it home before being struck down. Now I am considering getting some “adult undergarments” to make sure I don’t ruin the car’s upholstery on the ride home from her place. Do you have any other advice?
—Running for the Hills
Dear Running,
In the great old Cary Grant movie Suspicion, director Alfred Hitchcock has a scene in which possible murderer Grant is bringing a glass of milk to his wife, played by Joan Fontaine, and no beverage has ever looked so malign. Just as Fontaine wasn’t sure if she was being poisoned, you aren’t either. It’s possible you’ve entered a Pavlovian cycle in which when you eat your mother-in-law’s food your digestive tract automatically goes into overdrive, or that there is some ingredient she regularly uses which just doesn’t agree with you. It’s also possible she’s trying to harm you. I’ve been reading a fascinating book, The Poisoner’s Handbook, about poisoners in the early 20th century—it was a popular way to off someone—and the new forensic scientists who exposed them. Peek at your mother-in-law’s Kindle to see if she’s downloaded this. The next time you go for dinner at her house, after the food is served but before you begin eating, you and your husband should agree to swap plates and cups. If you mother-in-law screams to her son, “Don’t eat that!” case closed, Sherlock. Of course, this would require your husband to take your concerns seriously. It’s alarming to think your mother-in-law might be deliberately sickening you. Equally distressing is the fact that your husband does not believe you when you describe her malicious behavior. You need to tell your husband that after becoming repeatedly ill at your in-law’s house, you have become afraid for your health. Tell him you are also afraid for your marriage because he apparently believes you are a liar—which you are not—when it comes to his mother. Say that he needs to take seriously the fact that she says ugly things when you and she are alone, and you are not going to stand for it anymore. If that doesn’t result in his attention and concern, then you may need to move to your mother’s.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (March 8, 2012).
Dear Prudence,
My fraternal twin and I (both men) are in our late 30s. We were always extremely close and shared a bedroom growing up. When we were 12 we gradually started experimenting sexually with each other. After a couple of years, we realized we had fallen in love. Of course we felt guilty and ashamed, and we didn’t dare tell anyone what we were doing. We hoped it was “just a phase” that we’d grow out of, but we wound up sleeping together until we left for college. We knew this could ruin our lives, so we made a pact to end it. We attended schools far apart and limited our contact to family holidays. But we never fell out of love with each other, so after graduation we moved in together and have been living very discreetly as a monogamous couple ever since. I’m not writing to you to pass moral judgment on our relationship—we’re at peace and very happy. Our dilemma is how to deal with our increasingly nosy family and friends. They know we’re gay, and we live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so we’re getting pressure to settle down. I feel we should continue being discreet for the rest of our lives and blow off their questions. It’s nobody’s business, and I fear they would find our relationship shocking and disgusting. My brother, though, is exhausted with this charade. He thinks that if we get the family together with a therapist to talk through the issues, they’ll eventually accept it. I think he’s out of his mind, but I also want to make him happy. Is this one of those times when honesty is not the best policy? If so, how do we get everyone to stop worrying we will die alone? I’m also concerned about the legal implications of this—would the therapist be required to report us to the authorities? Could we go to prison?
—Tired of This Greek Tragicomedy
Dear Greek,
I admit this is my first letter about homosexual, incestuous twins, but I’m going to take you at your word that you two are happy and that I should suppress the images that came to mind of two sets of brothers who lived together and came to unseemly ends: the pack-rat Collyer brothers and the twin gynecologist Marcus brothers. Let’s deal with your legal questions first. I spoke to Dan Markel, a professor at Florida State University College of Law. He said that while incest is generally illegal in most jurisdictions, the laws tend to be enforced in a way that would protect minors, prevent sexual abuse, and address imbalances of power. Those aren’t at issue in your consensual adult relationship, but Markel suggests you have a consultation with a criminal defense attorney (don’t worry, the discussion would be confidential) to find out if your relationship would come under the state incest statutes. Either way, it’s better to know, and if it is illegal, as long as you remain discreet the likelihood of prosecution is remote. Next, I suggest that you and your brother split the difference in your approach to family and friends. Blowing people off for the next couple of decades is only going to fan the flames of curiosity. But I also agree with you that having a family gathering in which you announce you two have found life partners—each other—will give everyone the vapors. Ultimately your choice is your business, but a limited version of the truth should back everyone off. When people ask when you’re each going to go out there and find a nice young man, tell them that while it may seem unorthodox, you both have realized that living together is what works for you. Say no brothers could be more devoted or compatible, and neither of you can imagine wanting to change what you have.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (Feb. 16 2012).
Dear Prudie,
My husband was recently laid off from his job and is trying to start his own company from home. I work from home half the week, so we now see each other much more frequently. The close quarters have not been good for us. Little things that never bothered him before now cause him to nag (I don’t empty the dishwasher right away, or the laundry may pile up), which leads to blowout fights. Worst of all, he has become increasingly verbally abusive when we fight, insulting my intelligence, punching walls, and throwing things (although not at me). I’m starting to feel like a martyr because I have to apologize for every little transgression. When I told him this, he said I can’t fault him for my faults. We just got married last month, and I’m not considering divorce, but I can’t keep living like this. I understand he has a lot of stress, but my work is starting to suffer because of the constant pressure I am under from him. What can I do to make this situation better?
—Prisoner in Own Home
Dear Prisoner,
Your husband isn’t trying to launch a movie production company called “Mel Gibson Pictures,” is he? The stress of losing one’s job, having no income, and trying to start a (likely unsuccessful) business is getting to a lot of Americans. Grinding fear can make even the mellowest person short-tempered. However, there’s being snappish (and hopefully apologetic) and there’s abuse, and your husband has crossed that line. There is no excuse for the kind of assault he is inflicting on you. (One question: Why can’t Mr. Neatnik unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry himself?) He sounds potentially dangerous, and just an arm adjustment away from punching your jaw instead of the wall. Stop apologizing and start packing. You may even need someone to accompany you when you get your things and tell him you will no longer live in fear in your own home. Explain that if he doesn’t start going to therapy or attending some kind of support group—have him look at the rageaholic Web site (Mel Gibson might be attending court-ordered sessions soon!)—you will start proceedings to dissolve your marriage. Nice line he spewed about not faulting him for your faults. Now he can contemplate how it’s his fault that your marriage is about to come apart.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (July 22, 2010).
Dear Prudence,
During high school I dated a boy who is now a successful recording artist. Things were going well between us until his career picked up toward the end of our senior year. He transformed from a level-headed, compassionate guy into someone shallow and self-absorbed. When he broke off our relationship, his words were, “I can’t see you fitting into this kind of lifestyle and the crowd I’m now going to be rolling with.” I was pregnant at the time (I never told him) but ended up miscarrying. The breakup and miscarriage were so emotionally devastating that I couldn’t continue my schooling and had to put off college. Years later, I’ve been contacted by his representatives, as I’m in possession of a number of nude and compromising photographs of him, and they want to ensure these pictures never see the light of day. The photographs are on an old computer in my mother’s basement that I’d almost forgotten about. All the old hurt, pain, and resentment have come rushing back. The fact that he couldn’t even call me himself and left it to “his people” makes me so angry that I’m strongly considering selling these photos to a tabloid—I could use the money. Under normal circumstances it would be a terrible thing to do, but maybe I deserve this vindication. Would I be justified?
—A Woman Scorned
Dear Scorned,
I hope you’re forever grateful to your mother that she didn’t give your old computer to the Salvation Army, but that doesn’t mean getting revenge will necessarily be your salvation. It’s nude photo week at this column, and I give you credit for a uniquely juicy variation. Your situation is both a legal and moral dilemma, so for advice on the former I turned to attorney Carolyn E. Wright, whose practice is devoted to photographers. She laid out a number of issues you need to clarify. One is who owns the photos. If you snapped the shutter, you’re in luck, because then you have the copyright. But that doesn’t allow you to reveal these revealing images to whomever you like. If the photos were taken with the expectation that they were only for personal use, then you have to deal with the matter of his privacy rights. It’s possible your ex is such a big name that a tabloid would be willing to buy the photos and indemnify you. But “his people” might also be willing to make a deal to purchase the copyright from you. Wright says, however, that you have to be careful not to extort them: “Pay me a lot of money, or these are the cover of next week’s National Enquirer.” Hire an attorney conversant in privacy law to handle this on your behalf. You were treated terribly by a jerk, but millions of young women have been dumped by arrogant high-school boyfriends. Yes, the miscarriage added to your pain, but it also has meant that you didn’t become a teenage mother whose child had an emotional moron for a father. You need to start looking at your life differently. In high school you dated someone who got famous and broke up with you. By now that should be a couple of anecdotes, not a life crusher. I hope that the delay in your education was only temporary. As for the moral issue of the photos, try to negotiate a fair payment from Mr. “You’re So Vain” for your property. You’ll feel better about yourself for not turning your high-school romp into sleaze. But if I see news that a recording artist is embarrassed over the release of youthful “compromising pictures,” I’ll hope you’re laughing all the way to the bank.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (July 14 2011).
Dear Prudence,
I have always tried to be a kind person. However, I have lived my adult life in a way many people would disapprove of. During the last 11 years I have been a mistress of five married men. One had a long string of previous affairs. One was a friend for whom I had much tenderness and who told me he would rather have had me. One was a three-year relationship that caused deep feelings and deep distress. I do not regret these or the other adventures. I have not been the initiator of the affairs; the men have pursued me. Apart from one, I would not have wanted to live with these men. I do not know any of the five wives, and I am discreet. When people discuss adultery, the cheater and the other woman are often spoken of harshly as deceivers and egoists. I have never felt like either, and have never felt guilty. Is it possible the rest of the world has a limited emotional imagination and cannot see that such affairs are meetings between two people who don’t want to hurt innocent partners, but who choose to explore their intimacy and chemistry in secret? Or have I somehow become morally crippled since I can so easily do something most people would chastise me for?
—The Other Woman
Dear Other,
Give the rest of the world more credit. Most people’s emotional imagination is able to grasp that affairs are precisely about delivering the kick of clandestine intimacy and chemistry. That they exist in a nether world of pure sex, without all the domestic thrill kills of bills, groceries, kids, and mortgages. Of course it’s silly to say there’s only one way to live and everyone should settle down to a monogamous relationship. (I don’t have to tell you, since your lovers are all people who vowed to do just that and then found it lacking.) But you sound proud of your furtive life—you’ll never be the deluded wife who doesn’t know that the real secret to her devoted marriage is that her husband has a girlfriend. Sure, you can say you were never the initiator. But at least acknowledge how much you enjoy the pursuit, how well-versed you are in sending signals you’re available. You’ve ruminated here about your choices, so I suggest you examine why you so easily have slipped into the role of other woman. Maybe you are afraid of being in a sustained, open relationship. Maybe you’ve become addicted to the narcotic of the illicit. Maybe you like the safety of knowing the affair is bound to end. Imagine that you are writing to me five years from now, and you’ve concluded affair No. 7, or 8. Perhaps in that time you will have started seeing these interludes as not so much tender and deep but tawdry and dishonorable. There are women who spend their whole lives as the other woman—until perhaps they realize that while men are still pursuing, they’re no longer pursuing them. If this is not a place you want to end up, take a long break from this role. Decide not to exchange those glances, or stop at just one drink, and see how it feels to create a different kind of life.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (Aug. 2, 2012).
Dear Prudence,
When my son was a small child, he suffered a playground accident that resulted in an injury that may have affected his chances of ever fathering a child. Because he was so young at the time, he retained no memories of the accident and subsequent operation and hospitalization. When he was growing up, I saw no reason to remind him of the incident, and the subject never came up at all. Now he is 30 years old and working very happily as a teacher. He loves children, and has been very clear from his adolescent years that he intends to have a family of his own. Recently he met and fell in love with a colleague who feels exactly the same way, and the two are planning to marry within the next year. They also plan to start making babies soon afterward. They are very excited about this. My question is, should I tell them now about his potential issues, or should I let them find out for themselves (a process that could take years)? And if I tell them, how do I broach the subject after all these years?
—Wannabe-Grand
Dear Wannabe,
I hope that after your son tangled with the jungle gym (or whatever it is that happened—I will not speculate further because male readers are already wincing) that he healed just fine and all is well with the family jewels. But let’s say this young couple starts trying to conceive and nothing happens. It’s a little nutty that someone who wants to be a grandmother would let them endure this frustration while withholding crucial medical information. Your son is engaged and he and his fiancée are talking about wanting to have children, so now is the time to get the ball rolling on this conversation. Tell your son privately what happened long ago. Say that it hasn’t been relevant to his health until now, but he needs to know his history in case it does turn out there’s an issue. Then it’s up to him whether to get checked out now or let nature take its course for a while. I hope that your son is forthright with his fiancée, and that she tells him that whatever the situation turns out to be, they will figure it out as a couple.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (Oct. 9, 2014).
Dear Prudence,
A few months ago, I got engaged to a wonderful woman. Last fall, after reading a Slate story on Facebook’s hidden “other messages” inbox, I checked mine. There were several messages, one of them from the wife of my fiancee’s co-worker. The woman wrote that her husband is a serial cheater and that my fiancee initiated an affair with her husband a couple of years ago. The wife said she confronted my fiancee about the affair and was angry that she didn’t accept responsibility. She said my fiancee was a selfish, lying, terrible person, and that I shouldn’t share this email with her (although she asked me to confront her over the affair). It’s possible the story is true; I don’t really care—this all happened before my fiancee and I met. I decided to ignore the vile message, but then I started thinking that this woman is a loose cannon and I don’t want her spreading stories. My fiancee has a high-pressure, high-profile job at which she excels. If I reveal this message to her, it will be mortifying and stressful. Should I just forget about it?
—Wishing I’d Never Heard of the Other Inbox
Dear Wishing,
If your fiancee did not have an affair with her co-worker, she should know that his paranoid wife thinks she did. If she did have the affair, she should know that his vindictive wife is out there spreading word of it. (And I’m going to guess that if it did happen, it probably began at the initiation of the compulsive cheater.) In either case, while the letter would be disturbing, a woman accustomed to a “high-pressure, high-profile job” should be able to handle a nasty email from a colleague’s wife. You should make clear that you’re not presenting it to her to find out the story—whatever happened predated your relationship, and you’re not prying—but that she should know this woman is out there. You should apologize for sitting on this for so long, but say you were torn about what to do. It’s sweet to want to protect your beloved from some of life’s unpleasantness, but this woman’s ranting could affect your fiancee’s career. Being able to say to her, “Here’s something you need to know about” will demonstrate just how much you trust and respect her.
—Prudie
Emily Yoffe From: Dear Prudence (Feb. 9, 2012).
Dear Prudence,
Nearly a decade ago, I met my best friend, L. He’s male, I’m female, and we have been the closest of friends ever since, speaking daily, and being involved in each other’s families. At first, we both thought something more might come of this friendship, but instead we remained friends and he came out as gay five years ago. Four years ago, I married a wonderful man with an unfortunate jealous streak who has been wary of L from Day 1 because he knows we flirted with a relationship in the past. L and I have both struggled with mental health issues, but we are both doing well now. We speak very openly about these struggles with one another, which is also something that bothers my husband. (He still sees mental illness as something of a stigma.) Recently L moved across the country and has now asked me to join him. He wants to settle down and have a family and long-term relationship while carrying on an open sexual relationship. L is the man of my dreams, and I already struggle in my marriage in a variety of ways, including with infertility, which L has supported me through all along. The problem is—I’m actually considering it. Help?
—Gay, straight, or indifferent
Dear Gay, Straight, or Indifferent,
Oh, dear. I think there are two rather distinct questions here that need to be sorted out. One is whether or not you should leave your husband. The other is, should you leave him, whether or not you should do a full “Madonna in The Next Best Thing” or even “Jennifer Aniston in The Object of My Affection” and move across the country to start a family with your gay best friend. I don’t know if your fertility issues (or any of your other problems) would be magically fixed once you left your husband and tried having a baby with someone else. It sounds a bit like you’ve decided any relationship you have with L would be perfect and free from problems like jealousy and infertility—he’s an escape valve from a marriage you seem only half-heartedly committed to.
If you genuinely believe you and your husband are fundamentally incompatible beyond hope of reconciliation—he’s jealous, you’re unfocused; he believes your mental health issues are shameful and you’re trying to shake the stigma of your diagnosis; you’re considering leaving him and moving across the country to start a family with someone else—by all means, file for divorce, and start considering what accepting L’s offer might look like and what you’d want your life as platonic partners and co-parents to look like. But if you’re just looking to escape the mundane problems of any long-term relationship by fantasizing about running away and having a baby with someone you think will always understand you and never display human flaws, consider staying in your marriage both physically and emotionally. If you’re unhappy with your husband’s jealousy, tell him. If you want to have more honest conversations about mental health, initiate them. If you need to grieve your difficulty conceiving, see a therapist, tell your partner, cry; don’t upend your entire life just to avoid feeling pain.
Danny Lavery From: Dear Prudence (July 12, 2016).
Dear Prudence,
My daughter-in-law enjoys knitting and crocheting. For her birthday, my husband and I gave her a generous gift card to a local yarn store, for which she thanked us and seemed very pleased. Imagine my dismay, however, when six months later for our anniversary she gifted us with a lovely bedspread, which she told me she made with yarn purchased from the gift card! I told my son that we’d in effect paid for our own present and that he needs to communicate to his wife how improper and stingy this move was. He refuses, saying that her labor and time were also part of the gift. We haven’t spoken much since except to discuss our grandchildren, and our DIL has been outright cold. I’m considering writing her a letter directly explaining why this was an improper gift and expressing my sadness that her own parents didn’t teach her gift etiquette. My husband wants me to drop the whole thing and pretend like it never happened. Prudie, I don’t like the idea of moving on as if nothing happened.
—The Gift We Gave Ourselves
Dear the Gift,
But nothing did happen. You received a thoughtful gift that cost more time than money. That’s it! If someone gives you a present you don’t like, you smile and say, “Thanks, how thoughtful,” and then stash it in the back of your closet. You don’t ask your kid to complain to the gift-giver via backchannel. It’s fine if you like to give expensive presents—and can afford to do so—but that’s not the only way to show someone that you care. Even if you don’t like knitwear, your daughter-in-law spent countless hours over the course of a half-year working on something very detailed for you, and you say yourself it was a lovely bedspread. Whether she got the yarn with the gift card you gave her or spent her own money is beside the point; you’re acting as if she re-gifted something when that clearly wasn’t the case. Your daughter-in-law’s gift was thoughtful and intricate; yours was financially generous and relatively generic. There would be no reason to compare the two if you hadn’t insisted on doing so in the first place.
You are grown adults with plenty of money; if there’s something you want for yourself, go ahead and buy it—this kind of petty scorekeeping around gift-giving is barely excusable when little children do it. Writing her a letter to express “sadness” that her own parents didn’t teach her proper etiquette would be wildly inappropriate, out of line, and an unnecessary nuclear option. And it’s a guaranteed ticket to make sure you see and hear about your grandchildren way less than you do now. You still have time to salvage this relationship—don’t die on this hill. Let it go, apologize for your churlishness, and take yourself shopping if you want a pricey gift this year.
Danny Lavery From: Dear Prudence (Nov. 22, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
I met my boyfriend, David, on Tinder five months ago, and it was a match made in heaven. He’s compassionate, attractive, and a bombshell in bed. Recently, at our physical, I learned something. David is 5 feet, 8 inches tall. On his Tinder profile, he lists himself as 6 feet. On our first date, I asked him [if he is] really 6 feet. He got agitated and said yes.
I feel lied to and betrayed—why is he so insecure about his height? He takes so much pride in being tall. Always bragging to our friends and acquaintances, commenting how he won’t fit in that car, asking if I need help getting something off the top shelf. When the doctor read off his height I thought I saw his eyes start to swell up. Now he’s attempting to stick his height into every conversation. I have been afraid to bring it up, but this is really bugging me. I see marriage in our future, as we’re both almost 40—but this needs to be settled first.
—Boyfriend believes he’s 6 feet tall
Dear 6 feet tall,
This is not a situation where you need much of a strategy beyond “acknowledging reality.” Talk to your boyfriend. “Hey, it’s clear that this hits a really deep nerve for you, but I’m not sure why you keep bringing up your height and insisting that you’re 6 feet tall. It was obvious at the doctor’s office that you felt very strongly about hearing your height spoken aloud. What’s going on?” If he wants to talk about his feelings about his height with you, that’s going to be a lot more useful to him than pretending he’s 4 inches taller for the rest of his life.
Danny Lavery From: Dear Prudence (Aug. 13, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
Part of my friend’s wedding is taking place on a former plantation in the South. Members of my family were slaves on a plantation not that many generations ago, and the thought of attending the wedding of a white couple there is making me uncomfortable. I love my friend and her fiancée, and I don’t believe there’s any actively bad intent on their part, except maybe thoughtlessness. I don’t want to cause her any pain or make it seem like I’m putting her down, but I’d prefer not to attend the event that’s taking place there. I could still attend all of the other wedding events. What are your thoughts on this? I know that weddings in these types of venues are common, so I’m sure my discomfort is too. Is there a way to bow out of the event with kindness to the couple?
—Plantation wedding
Dear Plantation Wedding,
You do not have to go—it makes perfect sense that you would not want to. And you do not have to worry about whether they have “actively bad intent,” or worry about whether or not having a wedding on a slave plantation is common. Just because something is commonplace does not make it good, or thoughtful, or loving, or sensible. It would be perfectly kind and polite to say, “I’m not comfortable attending a wedding on a slave plantation, so I won’t be able to attend.” If they feel bad in that moment, that is a good thing. Unless your friend is the most ill-informed woman in America, she’s aware that plantations existed because of and in order to perpetuate slavery. They should feel bad about their choice, and that bad feeling should produce a desire to change, to attempt to set things right, and to go forth and sin no more.
Danny Lavery From: Dear Prudence (Sept. 24, 2019).
Dear Prudence,
I love my wife, but she plays the same two to three Taylor Swift songs at a high volume every morning (and sometimes at night). I go out of my way to avoid playing music that I know she dislikes around her. But Swift is immune from complaints. The same songs have played on loop for months now. We are 38 and 37, with two small children. Although I don’t begrudge her a love of cheesy pop, playing the same songs on repeat is pushing me to the brink. I don’t want to pick fights about it because she is highly sensitive to criticism. Am I entitled to be free of the same songs on loop every day? Or does a good spouse write it off as a quirk and suck it up? Help!
—Taylor Swift Is Straining My Marriage
Dear Taylor Swift,
Is she playing these songs while she’s trying to wrangle your two small children into their clothes, while brushing their teeth, or while getting them to the breakfast table? Or is she playing them while she’s getting ready for the day or relaxing in the evening? Because if it’s the former, I’m afraid that little kids absolutely love repetitive, cheesy music, and I’m inclined to rubber-stamp anything that makes baby-wrangling go a little more smoothly in the morning. The good news is that your kids will eventually get old enough to start blasting their own music that you hate for entirely different reasons!
But if this is just music she’s playing on her own time to pump herself up to face the world, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask her to use headphones. That doesn’t strike me as a fight so much as a gentle request, so if your wife interprets “Do you mind using headphones when you’re playing the same Taylor Swift songs in the morning? I’m having a hard time getting them out of my head” as criticism, then her idea of what constitutes criticism is really out of whack, and the two of you might want to have a gentle but in-depth conversation about how you can both bring requests to each other in a way that feels loving and respectful.
Danny Lavery From: Dear Prudence (Oct. 10, 2019).
