Here's The Fool-Proof Way To Tell If You Love Someone
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links."
Falling in love gets a lot of hype, and deservedly so. It’s exhilarating, maddening, and, at times, overwhelming (in the good way). There is an eternity's worth of songs, books, and movies that speak to that stomach-full-of-butterflies, heart-pounding-in-your-chest feeling. This devotion to the topic of devotion is only natural.
Humans love love, and are chemically wired to seek it out, says neuropsychologist Julia DiGangi, PhD. “I hear all the time ‘I was at a convention of 40,000 people when I saw them, and we connected like we were the only two people in the room,’” she says. “And that very well might be what you feel.” This is a result of the neurochemical cocktail of serotonin, the neurotransmitter that helps humans maintain happiness and a sense of calm long-term, and dopamine, which is more of an instant gratification hormone, that floods your brain and body when you begin to connect with someone, DiGangi explains.
Another notable scholar, Beyoncé Knowles Carter, once sang, “Your love got me looking so crazy right now,” and per DiGangi, that’s a pretty accurate representation of falling in love. When crazy in love (get it?), serotonin levels drop, while dopamine levels soar, DiGangi explains.
In fact, the low serotonin levels can cause people to have tunnel vision regarding the other person, says DiGangi. The activity in the brain of someone experiencing loving feelings is similar to what neuroscientists see in the brains of patients with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, she adds. Your stress hormones may surge because you’re afraid of losing the person who is providing your brain with these feelings of ecstasy. This is what leads people to feel high, and often anxious, when they’re getting to know someone new, DiGangi explains.
Meet the Experts: Julia DiGangi, PhD, is a neuropsychologist based in Chicago, Illinois and author of Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power.
Lee Phillips, LCSW, CST, is an award-winning psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in New York City.
Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, is a licensed clinical professional counselor, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and host of Ask A Sex Therapist podcast.
And while romantic love seems to get all the attention, it’s important to note that love is a complex emotion that comes in many forms. There’s the love one feels for their friends, family, romantic partners, and even pets, for example. But whatever kind of adoration you think you feel, short of bottling these neurochemicals together and selling them as a love potion, how can you tell when you're *actually* in love? Well, it's not an exact science, but there are some telltale signs...
How do I know if I’m in love?
Because love means different things to different people, it can be tricky to figure out what being in love looks and feels like for you, especially if you've never felt this emotion before. But nonetheless, there are some key indications that you’re falling for someone—and hard—according to relationship experts.
1. You’re pulled towards them physically and emotionally.
When you’re falling in love, you often want to be all up on this person…literally. Thinking your partner is hot stuff is great and all, but your emotional connection is equally, if not more, a telltale sign of possible love. Your date should be genuinely curious about you and ask questions about your opinions and passions, not just your alluring physical attributes, says Lee Phillips, LCSW, CST, a psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in New York City. Moving past the basic getting-to-know-you questions and diving (head over heels, perhaps!) into deep convos about the meaning of life and your goals for the future are essential in a loving partnership—and a surefire sign you’re really into this person.
2. You feel emotionally secure.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, it’s crucial to take stock of how you feel after more intimate conversations, as feeling like you can share your emotions openly and honestly with this person is a key marker of romance. Do you feel like this person listens without judgment and is able to provide support? That is a great sign that points to love, says Lee.
3. You can trust them.
While trust definitely builds over time, observing this quality in your new partner can help you figure out if you should start playing “So This Is Love” on repeat or run for the hills (a.k.a. the app store to redownload Hinge), says Lee. You want to feel like you can depend on this person to show up when they say they will, and follow through when they say they’ll do something, even as small as making a dinner reservation, or picking up your favorite coffee. This behavior, if kept up over time, points to a sustainable relationship and lasting love, explains Lee.
4. You think about them often.
If you fall asleep thinking about bae, and then wake up to just daydream about them, this could point to feelings of love. And though staring at pictures of them from your camera roll or rewatching their Instagram Stories (ahem, more than a couple of times) can feel a little weird, or even obsessive, don’t worry too much if you catch yourself guilty of this behavior, says DiGangi. This is simply your brain looking for dopamine hits via the person you’re into, she explains.
5. You have learned about them over time.
Have you ever met a person and all of a sudden—bam!—you’re hanging out constantly? When you’re not side by side, you’re probably texting, sexting, FaceTiming—basically anything and everything to get to know each other super well, super fast. Cue the fire alarm sounds, and pump the breaks. These actions can elicit the same response in your brain as falling in love, but it could also be a sign of infatuation, says Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, a licensed clinical professional counselor, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and host of Ask A Sex Therapist podcast. The need for constant validation and connection reveals more about your internal world, and the self-work you need to do, than about your connection with this person, she says.
Neither person should share everything that has ever happened to them on the first date, adds Lee. On the flip side, taking a few months to learn about, for example, what makes each other angry or how your past relationships went, can lead to lasting love, the experts say.
6. You want to spend time with them.
This might seem obvious, but when you’re falling in love with someone, you not only think about them often, but also want to spend quality time with them, says Lee. Finding yourself imagining having dinner at that new restaurant by the beach with this person, or bringing them along to your bestie’s birthday party is a good sign, according to the experts. You want to incorporate this person into your world, because you love them.
7. You share the same values.
When it comes to core values, like how you treat people, truthfulness, when and where you spend your money, and so much more, you must be aligned for a solid love connection, says Lee. When you discuss handling conflict, timeliness, or anything else that is vitally important to you, you want your partner to be receptive and, hopefully, agree and see things similarly.
8. You have a similar vision for the future.
Before you say those big three words (psst, “I love you”), it’s important to know you’re with someone whose view for their future aligns with yours. While, of course, it’s normal not to love one hundred percent of the same things, common goals for your lives are important in a loving relationship, says Lee. If you want to live in a Park Avenue apartment, run your own joint empire, and never have kids, and the person you’re with wants to live in the woods of Vermont with a stay-at-home mom to their five children, perhaps these feelings are misplaced, Shannon warns.
9. You want to take care of them.
When you love someone, you want their day to go well. Maybe you’re texting them during their lunch break to tell them they’re totally going to crush their presentation at work, or you’re picking up gummy worms at CVS because they mentioned they were craving them. Perhaps you spend a few hours helping your beau pack up their room before a big move, or grab dinner on your way home because you know they didn’t have time to cook. Taking an active role in your partner’s happiness is a sign you love them, Shannon says.
How do I know if it’s platonic or romantic love I’m feeling?
Throughout life, you’ll love all sorts of people—from your aunt to your office bestie to your yoga teacher. Platonic love—or the love shared between friends—can evoke many of the same feelings of romantic love, like wanting to spend time with this person and building trust. The key difference between the two, however, is that romantic love requires having a physical and sexual connection with the person. “There are three dimensions of a connection—companionship, romance, and physical or sexual [desire],” says Shannon. “With a romantic relationship, you want to have all three.”
Yes, even platonic friendships can have romantic moments. It can be wonderful to enjoy a fancy meal and a sunset on the beach with a best friend. But the difference between your bond with a close pal and your romantic partner is that you don’t want to have sex with your friends. “The attraction piece plays a huge role here,” says Lee. When you’re with someone you truly love in a romantic sense, the physical connection can be just as overwhelming as the emotional bond, according to the experts.
What do I do if I think I’m in love with this person?
So you think you’re in love? Cue the confetti and dancing lobsters! Now, you’re probably wondering what to do with all these feelings bursting at the seams. Ahead, the experts share some tips on what to do:
1. Tell them.
When it comes to love, most of the time, you’re better off sharing how you feel. “I always recommend telling them,” says Shannon. “Something I hear frequently is ‘He has to say it first.’ [But] if someone needs to say it first, is it really love then? No. That’s ego. When you’re in love, you’re not necessarily looking for something in return. It’s not about being validated. It’s about sharing the feeling.” While rejection is a painful possibility, getting those feelings off your chest (in an appropriate manner, such as a one-on-one conversation) will feel much better than holding it all in.
2. Yes, even if you’re besties.
Okay, but what if you’re friends? Though it can be terrifying to open up about feeling something a bit more than platonic love with your bestie, it’s usually still a good idea to spill the beans, says Shannon. “If you’re afraid of putting the friendship at risk, it’s already at risk because of your unspoken feelings,” she adds. And if this person is truly a good friend, even if they don’t reciprocate those feelings, they’ll treat you with the kindness you deserve, and hopefully, things can eventually return to your normal.
3....Unless they’re in a relationship.
If you’re in love with someone, you want them to be happy, says Shannon, so it’s important to weigh all of the information you have before considering sharing what’s on your mind. Is the person you’re in love with in a happy, long-term relationship? Or even married? If so, “there might be value in keeping it to yourself, or talking it through with a therapist,” says Lee. If you feel like you need to make your feelings known, however, make sure it is done respectfully, and that you’re prepared for possible rejection.
4. Pour into your own cup.
Sure, there are about a million things happening in your brain when you’re in love, but don’t forget to take care of yourself, says DiGangi. Your brain chemistry is throwing your body into fight or flight mode, so do whatever you need to regulate your nervous system, she advises. That could mean meditating, eating nutritious foods, or just taking yourself out on a date!
Watch this for more tips on how to practice self-compassion:
What if my feelings aren’t reciprocated?
This particular fear is the reason why many people avoid romantic relationships in the first place, says DiGangi. On a physical level, your cortisol and adrenaline are spiking because you are, perhaps, afraid of rejection. “The feeling of rejection is so crushing to the human spirit,” she explains. “We often see this as a fate worse than death, which is why the human nervous system responds [so] powerfully.”
That said, if you’ve poured your heart out to someone and they just don’t feel the same way, it’s okay if it feels like the end of the world—if only for a moment. But a gentle reminder: It isn't! You will recover from this rejection and be better for it.
During the healing process, taking care of yourself through your favorite self-care practices, like going for a nice long walk with a friend or with music, journaling, or meditating, can be crucial. Making a pros and cons list of the person in question can also be a useful exercise—just don’t get too lost in the sting, says DiGangi.
Love is one of the most powerful emotions you can feel and something to be celebrated, which is why so many people seek it out. It’s always nice to hear someone loves you, so be brave and put yourself out there—you could be rewarded! Whether or not they feel the same way, at least you can say you had the heart to open yourself up to love and all of its beauty as well as messiness.
You Might Also Like