Here's When—and How—You Should Help Someone Struggling With Anxiety

Kaitlin Vogel
·7 min read
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Watching someone in our lives struggle with anxiety isn’t easy. Mental health is a sensitive subject, and as much as we want to help, we don’t want to say the wrong thing or do something to make matters worse.

Anxiety can be overwhelming for those who are experiencing it, especially if they don’t know where to turn. Many people aren’t consciously aware that it's happening, dismiss it as stress, and put it under the “deal with it later” file. It isn’t until they have a panic attack that they take a step back and realize it’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

While it's always a good idea to encourage someone dealing with anxiety to seek professional help, you don't have to be a therapist or mental health professional to provide support. By understanding what causes anxiety, what it actually is and the signs to look for, you will know when and how to help.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is your body responding in the right way at the wrong time, Katie Lear, LCMHC, a licensed counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina explains.

“All of us have been gifted with a fight or flight response, an automatic reaction that gets triggered in the body when we perceive danger in order to push us to flee to safety or defend ourselves against a threat,” she says.

When this reaction occurs, that’s when panic and nerves set in. That rush of energy you feel is your adrenaline pumping through your body, which causes a racing heart and sweaty palms.

Related: 40 Best Mental Health Quotes

“I say the flight or flight response is a ‘gift’ because, although it's uncomfortable, it's critical to our survival—it keeps us safe,” Lear adds. “However, some of us have this response triggered more quickly than others, either due to our natural biology or past experiences. When this response happens at unnecessary times—say, before a job interview—we tend to call it anxiety.”

At its most basic level, anxiety is a future-focused worry. “It’s apprehension about something that has not occurred and may or may not happen in the future,” Dr. Catherine Jackson, licensed clinical psychologist and certified neuro therapist. “When stress goes on for too long it goes into hyperactive mode and begins to impact and change brain functions, including releasing stress hormones.”

This ongoing stress is what causes chronic anxiety. And when anxiety is left untreated, it can lead to other serious mental health issues such as depression.

Understand the Signs of Anxiety

There are physical and mental signs of anxiety. Some of the most common physical symptoms include:

  • Headaches

  • Shortness of breath

  • Shakiness

  • Nausea

  • Stomach pain

On the mental side, “the most easily recognizable signs of anxiety are excessive, prolonged worrying or a sense of panic or dread about something bad happening,” says Lear. “I think that's what most of us envision when we think of anxiety. However, not everyone can clearly point to a worry when they are anxious.”

If that’s the case, bodily sensations are the main indicator of anxiety, Lear explains. For example, gastrointestinal distress or frequent tension headaches. Others may notice that their anxiety manifests as irritability. They may appear quick to anger, but that anger is rooted in fear.

Related: Do Weighted Blankets for Anxiety Really Work? 

When Should You Help Someone With Anxiety?

Having open conversations about stress and anxiety early on could potentially prevent individuals from minimizing their symptoms and worsening over time, says Dr. Leela R. Magavi, M.D., Hopkins-trained psychiatrist and Regional Medical Director for Community Psychiatry.

In other words, the earlier, the better.

Dr. Bruce Wexler, Professor of Psychiatry at Yale University provides three scenarios for when you should step in:

  1. When you see someone in considerable discomfort

  2. When it affects the individual’s ability to function mentally or physically

  3. If it persists for more than a week

However, it’s important to “keep in mind that stepping in doesn't mean you have to try to make their anxiety go away nor do you need to make it a big deal,” says Amy Morin, LCSW, psychotherapist and international bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.

It’s about guiding them in the right direction.

How to Help Someone With Anxiety

If someone you love has anxiety, it only makes sense that you'd want to help. Here's how to do it.

1. Ask how you can offer support

The best course of action is to be straightforward and have an open, honest conversation.

“Ask if there’s anything you can do. Sometimes, people feel anxious when they don't know how to solve a problem,” Morin explains. “A solution might be as simple as helping them schedule an appointment or create a plan.”

If you’re unsure how to broach the subject, remember if you’re coming from a compassionate place that will come across.

“Having watched your loved one's patterns of instability can provide insight into their struggle,” says Sue English, licensed family therapist and owner of English Meadows Counseling Services. “It is more uncomfortable to watch someone you are close to battle anxiety versus have the caring conversation of curiosity about how they experience these feelings and how you could provide support.”

When you understand patterns of emotional instability, you’ll have a clearer understanding of what this person needs to calm their nerves. This could be anything from verbal reassurance to physical support – something as simple as a hug can go a long way.

“The opposite of anxiety is peace,” English explains. “What is it that brings peace to someone? Helping them to be mindful, taking a walk outside, getting a cup of hot chocolate and just being there to talk and remind them they are not alone.”

 2. Try to talk about something not related to their anxiety

If the person is able to talk about a pleasant subject for a few minutes, their anxiety might decrease enough that they are then able to think more clearly, says Morin. In the short-term, distraction can be extremely helpful.

It’s important to note there are different kinds of anxiety and differing levels of severity. That’s why it’s best to avoid giving specific anxiety advice, like "take a few deep breaths" or "stop thinking about that," Morin adds. And hearing advice like that might not be helpful in their specific case and their anxiety may increase if your strategies don't help.

Related: Millennial Burnout Is Real: Here's Your Anti-Burnout Action Plan

3. Listen more, talk less

While creating an open dialogue is important, it’s just as important to know when to listen. "In an effort to help someone with anxiety people tend to try to ‘help’ by saying things that might work if you are a bit nervous,” says Caroline Madden, PhD, licensed marriage & family therapist. “But it won’t work if you are suffering from anxiety.”

Some things Madden recommends not saying include:

  • “It’s not that big of a deal.” This is minimizing their fear. They will end up getting angry at you and then debating how bad something is.

  • “Calm down.” If they had the ability to calm down, they would.

Instead, she recommends saying

  • “I see that this is really upsetting you. What do you think your options are?”

  • “What is the worst-case scenario?" followed by “how likely is it that that will happen?”

  • “Have you been able to handle this type of thing before?”

4. Create a safe space to share emotions

Establishing a safe, judgment-free platform is essential.

“Checking in often with loved ones can create a sense of security, even if loved ones do not reciprocate emotionally,” says Dr. Magavi. “If you live close by, asking loved ones to partake in a weekly walk, or engage in some form of physical activity can help to alleviate anxiety. If you live far away, it would be helpful to schedule a daily check-in to discuss emotions.”

Staying in touch is one of the most simple yet effective ways to offer support and show that person you care.

Next, read up on the 12 best apps for anxiety.

Sources

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