How can parents protect kids during a messy divorce? Here's what experts say.
No one walks down the aisle thinking their happily ever after will be cut short with a lengthy court case and stressful custody battle. "I do" is supposed to be forever, but that’s not always the case. Indeed, high-profile (and seemingly contentious) celebrity divorces have many wondering if the era of "conscious uncoupling" has ended. But what does that mean for kids?
What exactly is a high-conflict divorce?
While the divorce rate has declined since 2000, it's still true that about half of first marriages are ultimately dissolved, and the likelihood of a second or third marriage ending in divorce is significantly higher. Divorce affects more than 1 million children each year. According to a 2016 study, approximately 10% to 20% of divorces can be categorized as "high conflict," in which both parties engage in a long, ongoing battle both in and out of the courtroom. One or both parties may try to intimidate the other, resort to threats, report baseless claims, act in unnecessarily oppositional ways and/or use the children to punish the other parent. This typically results in years of court proceedings and hefty legal fees.
“The character traits of the parents in these divorces can vary,” says Glenda Lux, a psychologist who specializes in co-parenting. As such, what is considered to be a high-conflict divorce can be hard to define clearly. Lux is also careful to avoid lumping domestic or post-separation abuse — "which manifests in all sorts of ways well beyond physical abuse (emotional, financial, legal, psychological, coercive control, etc.)," she notes — with other intense disputes that would qualify as high conflict.
How does a high-conflict divorce affect kids?
Children are inherently resilient; many can and do adjust well to divorce, especially when it’s amicable and coupled with successful co-parenting. That isn’t usually the case in high-conflict divorces, according to clinical psychologist Christina Iglesia.
“Research shows that high-conflict divorces have an adverse effect on children’s mental health, academic performance, interpersonal relationships and self-esteem," Iglesia, who specializes in working with children and their families, tells Yahoo Life.
She explains that this can show up in a variety of ways, from “thumb sucking to tantrums to acting-out behaviors such as drug use.” Some children may experience new physical ailments like headaches and stomach pains. While it's expected that children will have an adjustment period, Iglesia adds, “it becomes a greater concern if or when a child begins to show drastic mood or behavioral changes that don’t dissipate within a six-month period.”
How can parents support their kids amid a high-conflict divorce?
Lux says that in order to help children, “parents need to look at their own behaviors first.” Are children being used to relay messages between the parents? Is Mom speaking negatively about Dad within earshot of the children (or vice versa)? Rather than exposing children to adult problems, parents need to “let them be kids,” she says. (It's worth noting that 46 states mandate some form of parent education after a split to encourage conflict resolution and co-parenting.)
Most importantly, parents can simply listen to their kids. Offer a judgment-free zone, where kids feel safe to share their feelings, ask questions and receive love and reassurance. And while it's tempting for parents to share their side of the story with the kids — perhaps to protect themselves or remove guilt or blame — that hurts kids only further. As Iglesia notes, “The more conflict the child sees, the bigger the negative impact becomes,” so it is essential that parents present a united front and support each other in front of the children.
Finally, if a child of divorce is consistently exhibiting symptoms of stress or just wanting additional support, therapy with a skilled counselor can provide help through the process. Parents should also consider therapy, either as a family or solo, if their efforts to minimize the conflict are unsuccessful.
The takeaway
Divorce — especially when things get messy — can take a toll on kids, but, as Lux notes, if “conflict is short-lived and contained to the initial turmoil and transitions, and functional, relatively cooperative co-parenting that puts the kids first comes emerges, kids can bounce back.”
"We know in the long term, kids do better when parents divorce or separate than stay in a relationship that is marked by constant conflict and disagreement," Melissa Santos, division chief of pediatric psychology at Connecticut Children’s, told Yahoo Life in January. "But the road to those long-term benefits can be bumpy."
The important thing is that parents are invested in prioritizing their children over their personal squabbles.
"Use this separation to motivate you to be the best parent that you can be," John Mayer, a clinical psychologist and author of Family Fit: Find Your Balance in Life, previously shared with Yahoo Life. "After all, you separated to make your lives better — now do that for your children."
