As a mom, all I want for Christmas is to not have a nervous breakdown
Each November, I begin to feel my anxiety rise slightly, day by day. December, notably one of the busiest months of the year for parents, starts spreading its tentacles into our family Google calendar long before Thanksgiving. Elementary band concerts, family parties, visits to Santa and a slew of events that are desperate for volunteers compete for my time until I often feel ready to “lose it,” as my kids say. Despite our making a goal a few years back to simplify our Christmas traditions, actually accomplishing that task is a daily challenge in setting boundaries.
The holiday creep happens slowly over the years, at least in my memory. As a child-free married couple, the quiet week between Christmas and the new year felt like a gift. Time felt fluid, and we languished about, doing very little of importance. It was a welcome reprieve from daily life. Even with one baby, I found myself able to focus on the joy of the season more than the chaos. Just as with all things parenting, though, things get harder as kids get older and family size increases. As we head into the holidays this year with three tweens and a kindergartener, the pace feels nearly frantic.
This doesn’t mean we haven’t set boundaries — we have. We don’t send holiday cards, we do not exchange gifts with our extended family, and I gladly give my business to a local baker rather than inflict my culinary skills on anyone. We’ve also streamlined our “must-haves” this year. Rather than rushing from event to event around our city, we took a weekend trip to the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center for a holiday extravaganza. In just three days, my kids ice skated, sipped hot cocoa, snow-tubed, listened to a story from Mrs. Claus, took in a production of The Nutcracker and sat on Santa’s lap. While the weekend was supposed to be a present for our kids, it truly felt like a gift for me — I got to check all those obligations off my December list in one fell swoop. Done, done, done.
Even with progress on my to-do list, and even with learning to say “no,” it can be so hard to resist the tide of stress and expectations that weighs down parents during the holidays. “I have a huge meltdown and rant to my daughters about women’s emotional and physical labor that somehow remains invisible,” my friend Lauren Tanabe tells me. There are vows to never do it again, but Tanabe struggles with not wanting the kids to feel like they are missing out. It’s an internal battle every year. “I want them to know you should not have to kill yourself for a holiday to make everyone else happy," she says.
That last part has struck a chord deep within me. What was I doing to make everyone else happy, and where was I finding joy for myself? Ice skating with my children during our Christmas getaway was one of the most joy-filled hours I’ve spent in a long time. Constantly refreshing my cart on Black Friday to score deals on gifts for my kids? Not so much.
It’s not about the gift itself. I love buying my children things they need and finding presents that will make them smile, but I get frustrated with how consumerism has taken over the holidays. Brianna Bell, a friend and colleague whose three kids are close in age to mine, tells me she has to set a hard limit on buying gifts — lest she be swayed by a good late-December sale. “I slowly bought the kids stuff, and while it feels like I could go on forever, I put a hard stop to buying gifts by Dec. 5 and cannot pick up anything else for them after that," she says. I admit I am often guilty of throwing a few cute gifts into my Target cart on my Dec. 23 run, but Bell is right — we could do without them. Next year, I plan to adopt an end date for gift-buying as well.
As to the division of tasks in two-parent households? It turns out this is a sticking point for many couples. Like Tanabe notes, women do indeed do most of the holiday labor. Many households, though, are trying to rewrite that script. My husband and I have each found things we like to do in December. He loves decorating the house, inside and out. I find holiday decor often feels like clutter to me, so I happily let that task fall off my plate. I actually love being creative with the Elf on the Shelf, a task that brings him no joy. He buys the stocking stuffers, I get most of the big gifts, and we stay up till the wee hours of the morning wrapping gifts every Christmas Eve — born out of procrastination, it now feels like a comforting tradition.
Some of the wisest advice I've received is from Jennifer Deemer, another mom in my community. “We sat down a few years ago and made a list of what was really important to us as a family and discovered it was things like sledding, hot cocoa and seeing the lights. What was missing was really telling.” She says so many of the things she stressed over, like extra parties, events and gift exchanges, were not really enjoyed by anyone in their family — so they just began to say no. Like us, they pared down their shopping list to immediate family, telling loved ones they have chosen to focus on time together rather than gifting. “Not everyone liked it, but understood, and now everyone seems more relaxed at gatherings,” she tells me.
I can’t claim to have it all figured out. I am less stressed this holiday season than last year, but not as relaxed as I had hoped to be. Our family is still learning what traditions we want to keep and which ones feel like unwelcome obligations, but hammering that out takes some time. For this year, though, I am choosing to celebrate the boundaries we have managed to set — and looking for a chance to go ice skating with my kids again.
