How to talk to kids about divorce
Experts share how parents can gently break the news to their kids.
Behind every divorce is a unique and painful story. Whereas no two divorces are quite the same, when kids are involved, there is a common certainty: You will, at some point, have to tell them about it.
"Every parent dreads this conversation," says Oona Metz, a psychotherapist who works with women navigating divorce. "The task of telling your kids about your divorce is heartbreaking.” At the same time, Metz points out that the conversation can also be an “opportunity to model both vulnerability and resilience" for children about to go through a major transition.
The first thing parents should do is accept that the conversation is going to happen. And while breaking the news will likely be challenging and uncomfortable, families will get through it. Here's what experts recommend to make the experience run more smoothly.
Do it together
If both parents are emotionally and physically healthy enough to deliver the news, then doing so together is the best option. Kalley Hartman, a marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery, says this shows “that both parents are united in their decision and also allows each parent to provide support and comfort for the children.” But in some cases it falls to one parent to deliver the news on their own, and that is OK too. According to Metz, "hearing the news from one thoughtful, rational parent is better than hearing it from two people who can’t agree on what to say, or who end up saying hurtful things to each other or their kids.”
Prepare
Parents should center themselves prior to the conversation and spend some time rehearsing how they will deliver the news. If a divorcing couple is telling the kids together, they should discuss their plans with each other first and find agreement on the major talking points and how much detail to go into. “Plan to be honest, but don’t overshare,” says Hartman, who notes that many children are not equipped to emotionally handle too many details at once. Metz agrees, reminding couples that they “will be talking to [their] kids many times about the divorce. For this initial conversation, less is more.”
That said, kids are bound to have questions (like, "Who will I live with?" or "What happens at the holidays?"), so parents should anticipate these rather than risk being caught off-guard and saying something they might regret.
Consider the children's age
Parents should factor in their children's age and tailor their conversation, and when it occurs, appropriately. Metz suggests telling older children about any plans to separate sooner rather than later, as "they are more likely to pick up on tension in the house and overhear your conversations.”
With younger kids, however, Metz advises holding off telling them until “a housing change is imminent" — ideally, a week or two before one partner moves out or the living situation changes. She explains that "younger kids can’t track time in the same way that adults can, so telling them about changes to the family well in advance won’t serve them well.”
Practice empathy
Any loving parent will experience empathy for their children. This is an opportunity to carry that empathy into concrete action and caretaking. Parents should be sure to tell their children that all of their feelings — whether that's sadness, anger, confusion or even relief — are perfectly normal, and let them know that these emotions may come and go and strengthen and weaken as time goes on. Parents can also give them the opportunity to share their feelings in creative ways, such as through artwork or in a shared journal, in which the kids write a passage before handing it off to a parent to respond. It's also important to allow space for face-to-face conversations too, by booking a parent-child lunch date or perhaps considering family therapy.
Because it is common for children to blame themselves for a parent’s divorce, Hartman stresses the importance of telling them that the "decision to end the marriage is not because of anything they have done wrong.” And, of course, “reassure them that both parents still love them and will continue to be involved in their lives.”
Don’t give kids false hope
One of the ways children may catch divorcing parents off-guard is by asking questions like, “Will you get back together?” or “Why can’t you just find a way to get along?” Parents may be tempted to respond with vague — and possibly untrue — answers, such as “we will see,” or “you never know.” But according to Hartman, “even if there are hopes of getting back together, it should not be discussed in front of the children until [or unless] it is certain that this will happen.” It’s important to be completely honest, even when it disappoints the kids.
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