My Husband & I Can’t Agree on How To Celebrate Halloween
I was the kid who started planning her Halloween costume right after the last sparkler faded on the Fourth of July. My keen kid intuition told me that Halloween was the next holiday lurking around the corner, so it was then I began my costume campaign. Cornering my parents in carpool — and, well, in corners — I’d talk through outfit options. They’d listen patiently, knowing I’d probably change my mind one or two (or 27) times before October 31st. I might’ve been a little excited, but I had a reason.
Halloween carried special magic in my household, and it was my parents who intentionally cast this spell: They made All Hallows’ Eve all about us kids. So, when I became a parent, I wanted to treat my kid to this same enchanted experience (no trick), but it was my husband who swooped in with a different idea.
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I should explain that growing up, my family used most holidays as an opportunity to get in some serious bonding. There was family time, food time, and more family time. Even with all the family fun, I felt caught in a world of adult expectations. It was their vision of the holidays I was fulfilling. I’d help bake what I was told and visit relatives on my parents’ schedule. I had little input over daily plans and activities — but Halloween was different.
“How many pumpkins should we pick this year?” my mom would ask.
During Halloween season, my kid input was paramount. Walking through the pumpkin patch, my mom would defer to my expert opinion. There were no side glances or debating when it came to what size or shape pumpkin I wanted. The same held true when it came to my costume choice. After my imagination had conjured up as many outfit possibilities as there were algorithms to solving a Rubik’s Cube, I’d inform my parents. They helped make my dream a reality and then stood in the background while I proudly trick-or-treated dressed as Princess Leia or Madonna. Halloween was a time when I felt seen in an adult-centered world. I was empowered in a way that built my self-esteem and sense of fun at the same time.
As my son grew older and became more interested in the trick-or-treating, I was ready to pass this super fun and super confidence-building experience on to my kid. But my “big kid” of a husband cursed my plan from the get-go.
“Should we do family costumes this year for Halloween?” my husband asked on the 5th of July.
I couldn’t speak. My mind raced as I tried to remember what words meant. Was he actually suggesting that we all dress in costumes to match our 5-year-old? My stomach tensed because this went against everything I loved about this holiday.
Trying to remain calm, I asked him what he meant exactly. A slow smile spread across his face as he told me how he and his family created themes for Halloween. This made the holiday extra fun because he felt closer to his parents while they playfully argued concepts and costumes. This created lovely memories all these years later and he wanted this for his son, too. Again — I couldn’t speak. It was scary how opposite we were in our visions of Halloween.
Instead of instantly confronting my husband with my conflicting feels, I took a time out and sat with his notion of Halloween. I conjured up images of our little family wearing coordinated Peppa Pig or Bluey costumes. The thought of us all dressing like characters from Bluey almost won me over, but I kept coming back to the feeling that my son’s experience would be overshadowed by the adults in his life — his parents. Would this be a choice that haunted us forever? I needed to tell my husband how I felt.
“Honey, can we talk about Halloween?” I asked quietly.
I took a breath and told my husband why Halloween had been so special to me growing up. I worried if we all participated in all the things that it might upstage our kid’s experience. Watching my husband’s face as I talked, it seemed he was taking in all I said. I began to relax and believe he understood why letting our kid have this holiday as his own offered positive benefits. Then he flatly added, “I don’t agree,” and turned to unload the dishwasher. I’d been ghosted.
As fall came closer, my husband and I had several conversations about all of this none of which went smoothly. We fell into the habit of trying to convert the other, so no solutions were reached. We became more exasperated and eventually quit talking about it all together to avoid hurt feelings. I knew there’d be times in our relationship when we’d have different views on parenting, but I didn’t know how tough it would be to find a compromise. And I hadn’t expected it to be Halloween, of all things.
A month away from that fateful day, we were walking through a Halloween store. Avoiding each other’s gaze, we focused on watching our 5-year-old fall in love with every costume he saw. Each superhero, cartoon character, and Disney star was tempting enough for him to consider. He was having a blast imagining himself in each outfit, and it was then I caught my husband’s eye — and we smiled. We may not agree on how to celebrate this holiday, but we definitely agreed on one thing: creating the best memories for our son.
My husband and I decided to ask our kid what his idea of a fun Halloween looked like. And this is what we’ve done every year since. Some years we all dress up together, and some years my now 8-year-old asks to wear a costume all on his own. Parenting isn’t always about my husband and I making choices for our kid, but giving our kiddo space to make decisions that inspire his own happiness, too — even while dressed as Indiana Jones.
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