Ice Cream Cake Is The Worst Cake In The World
I like ice cream.
And I like cake.
But I do not like ice cream cake.
Lest you think that's a Dr. Seuss poem, posthumously unearthed, I'll set you straight: It's just feelings, pouring from my soul.
If I could sit you each down in front of me and perform an interpretative dance to demonstrate my passion on this topic, I would. But the internet works in weird and mysterious ways, and magically depositing millions of dollars into my bank account to fly everyone to New York is not one of them. So, my words will have to do. And I have a lot of them.
Why would I want to eat hard cake?
There are a lot of words tossed around to describe good cake: soft, melt-in-your-mouth, crumbly, even the dreaded "m" word - moist. Never in the history of ever (yes, I went back that far to check) has hard cake been a good thing. But that's exactly what happens when you stick it in the damn freezer. I just don't want to work that hard to eat cake. If I felt like aggressively chewing my dessert, I'd reach for some biscotti.
And, uh, how am I supposed to deal with the melted ice cream?
I'll tell you what happens when ice cream melts: People cry. Enjoy this collage of pictures to prove my point.
And now I'll tell you what happens when you eat ice cream cake: It's served on a plate with a fork, so when the ice cream inevitably melts, you have no way to scarf it. And you cry.
Frosting doesn't belong on ice cream.
For starters, it's deceiving. I would never assume a fully-frosted rectangle is hiding a frozen treat. But more importantly, the textures and tastes just don't go together. Ice cream requires something lighter - like whipped cream - or something with a bolder flavor - like hot fudge.
Carvel cakes are a lie.
One of the most famous purveyors of the offending dessert can't even bother to put any real cake in their dessert. All the bakers - if you can even call them that - do is mush a bunch of ice cream together in the shape of a cake. If I arranged a bag of chocolate chips into the curve of a banana, would you think it was a banana? I'll answer for you: You abso-f*cking-lutely would not. To appease people who need that disgusting crunch of hard, frozen cake, the shop puts a thin layer "crunchies" between two flavors of ice cream. Sigh.
Oh - and that whale isn't even cute. Yeah, I went there.
It's exclusive.
I'm a November baby, and 40-degree weather does not inspire me to eat a frozen treat. Fall and winter birthday people, am I right? We want lava cake, and warm cookies, and gooey marshmallow whatever. Not something that'll give us a brain freeze; our extremities are already frozen.
I'll offer you a compromise.
Three words: a la mode. I find nothing wrong with a slab of pie topped with a scoop of ice cream. When they're made individually, then brought together, the two treats don't affect each other's outcome. And if you can't come down to my level on that one - let's just agree to disagree.
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