'I'm truly the reflection of perfection': the daftest Apprentice candidates of all time
The stirring Prokofiev march, the endless aerial shots of London, the suits so shiny you can see your reflection in them... Yes, The Apprentice is back .
Still, as series 14 kicks off, let’s not pretend the show has much to do with business acumen. It’s the contestants – oddballs, fools, impossible narcissists – who’ve kept the format alive since 2005.
They haven’t always been so entertaining. The inaugural edition was a little more sober-minded; the winner Tim Campbell became a social enterprise ambassador for the government, and was later made an MBE.
Conversely, in recent times the candidates have been so uniformly bad that it’s become hard for a true idiot to stand out. Our own Rupert Hawksley took a dim view of series 12, running through the dismal cast-list and concluding: “Sugar does himself a disservice by association with these frankly bizarre people.”
But from Michael “disaster zone” Sophocles to the one and only Katie Hopkins, here are the ones worth remembering.
1. Paul Tulip (series 2)
An arrogant head-hunter from Leeds, Tulip started in fine style, winning seven of the 10 tasks in which he competed. But as he chalked up the victories, Paul became increasingly insufferable, and he finally came unstuck in the interview round when it emerged that he didn’t know what Sugar’s companies did and he thought Big Issue sellers were “lazy”. Not that getting booted out of the boardroom seemed to dent his monstrous self-regard. “Yes, I was fired,” he conceded, “but I’m ‘Paul off the telly’ now.” He is not.
2. Ruth Badger (series 2)
The formidable Badger deserved an honorary prize in 2006 for the most apt surname possessed by an Apprentice candidate. Feisty and firm, she successfully badgered the general public into buying everything from cars to over-ripe apples, finishing as the series’ runner-up; all the while, her tumultuous love-life delighted tabloid editors.
3. Katie Hopkins (series 3)
The infamous ice-blonde started her TV career on the show, memorably batting her eyelids at Lord Sugar while raising the personal invective towards her fellow contestants to a frightening new level.
Katie dispensed bitchy bon mots whenever she felt threatened (i.e. constantly), and stuck the knife into team-mate Adam Hosker in the boardroom: “When your best friends are Mr Pinot and Mr Grigio, you want to watch it.”
4. Tre Azam (series 3)
It was almost impossible to dislike the megalomaniac from Hackney – one of the few to survive an obvious cock-up (through favouritism) from Lord Sugar.
Tre had a special talent for saying the wrong thing, and enjoyed a superb exchange with team-mate Rory Laing, about the difference between a boss and a project manager. Rory: “I am your boss!” Tre: “You’re nothing to me.”
5. Raef Bjayou (series 4)
Floppy-haired Raef was pure entertainment. Described by Sir Alan as “a nice guy”, the debonair Bjayou proved that chivalry wasn’t dead by riding to the defence of Sara Dhada when the other candidates ganged up on her. With unforgettable quotes such as “these people are size 16–32 for a reason… they love cake”, it’s no wonder he was one of the favourites in 2008.
6. Michael Sophocles (series 4)
Telesales executive Sophocles begged for his life in the boardroom, pleading: “I’m na?ve, I’m a young man, I’ve shown glimmers of brilliance.” Yes, glimmers as brilliant as trying to sell luxury cars at a fruit ’n’ veg market, and being forced to admit, despite calling himself “a good Jewish boy”, that he didn’t know what the term “kosher” meant. Lord Sugar called him a “disaster zone”.
7. Lucinda Ledgerwood (series 4)
A quirky dresser in a sea of power-suits, Lucinda stood out in her brightly coloured berets and matching shoes. Her background stood out too; as a fan of aromatherapy and playing the harp, she wasn’t the usual hard-nosed dealer. In fact, she’d never ever seen the series before she applied.
She certainly didn’t lack confidence, though, declaring “I always win, so it’s a natural conclusion that I will.” She did not. Lord Sugar fired her for being “too zany”.
8. Ben Clarke (series 5)
The pint-sized stockbroker from Belfast was convinced of his own leadership credentials. As he repeatedly boasted during Series 5, he was “offered a scholarship to Sandhurst” and could “compete on a world-class level”. He also claimed that “making money is better than sex”, though he struck most viewers as someone who didn’t have much experience of either.
His military pedigree cut no ice with Lord Sugar, who dispatched him to the firing squad with this memorable send-off: “Don’t start banging on about bladdy Sandhurst again. I was in the Jewish Lads’ Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, but it didn’t make me sell computers when I got older!” Quite.
9. Natasha Scribbins (series 7)
Natasha was brash, tactless, and very successful in 2011. She was also remarkably capable of pointing out the obvious – for instance, “Lads’ magazines... are about lads, yeah?” or “What we need to bear in mind is that our focus group was quite focused.”
She’ll also be remembered for such unforgettable lines as “I’m like a really fine-tuned switch. If I need to turn it down then I turn it down. If I need to turn it up, then I turn it up” – and, of course, “Do you know what, guys, I can’t find my underwear. Just trying to work out if it’ll be any benefit to us whatsoever.”
10. Vincent Disneur (series 7)
The slick-haired sales manager from Canterbury claimed that his “positive approach and very good looks” would make him stand out from the crowd. What made him unique, however, was his compelling blend of idiocy and unctuousness. Fired in episode five, he was never on the winning side, and ultimately he paid the price for not bringing his Machiavellian rival Jim Eastwood back into the boardroom too.
11. Susan Ma (series 7)
Susan was only 21 when she took part in 2011. Nevertheless, her na?vety and ignorance of general knowledge were staggering – though she did display a sure business sense in many of the tasks.
She qualified for idiot status with observations such as “What’s at the British Museum? Just, like, dinosaurs and stuff”, as well as her ongoing struggle to grasp French culture: “I don’t even know any French people. I know nothing” and “Do the French go camping? Are the French very fond of their children? Do a lot of people drive in France?”
12. Ricky Martin (series 8)
OK, so it’s hard to write professional wrestler Ricky off as a complete idiot: he eventually won series eight. But he was a class clown before he was a class act. Just listen to some of these quotes from his audition: “I call myself The Fitness”, “I’m truly the reflection of perfection”, and of course, “The only thing that really scares me is myself.”
13. Jason Leech (series 9)
With highlights including high praise from Lord Sugar for selling one caravan, and a brief flirtation with an OAP, Jason was likeable and incredibly frustrating in equal measure. Sugar had to fire him after he became the first Project Manager to resign his post. His defence? “If I were in charge of a sinking ship my first concern would be all the women and children on board.”
14. James Hill (series 10)
James’s excruciating verbal diarrhoea and dubious business ethics made his survival on the 2014 show impossible. From completely fabricating an RRP – prompting a stern warning from Karren – to repeatedly claiming to be kindred spirits with Lord Sugar, the gaffes just kept coming.
His most toe-curling quote? “Me and Lord Sugar could build an empire together. I think I am him when he was my age.” Despite his idiocy, James proved popular with the public. He won Celebrity Big Brother in September 2015.
15. Sarah Dales (series 10)
Sarah earned her place on the Apprentice Idiot Wall of Fame from the very first week of 2014’s series. She not only suggested that women needed to don high heels and plenty of make-up if they wanted to sell, but she also had the not-so-bright idea of chopping up a lemon and wrapping it in cling film in order to sell it by the slice.
16. Dan Callaghan (series 11)
“I’m just a generally all-round entertaining person, I think,” said fragrance retailer Dan ahead of his appearance. “A lot of people laugh at me.’’
Unfortunately for poor Dan, a lot of people ended up laughing at his hapless sales technique: during the first week’s task, he spent most of the time ineffectively burbling at customers. “I can’t sell, I can’t cook – shoot me,” he (rather boldly) announced in the boardroom. In a rare fit of benevolence, Lord Sugar spared him that time, but it wasn’t long until he changed his mind.
17. Charles Burns (series 13)
Somehow a “management consultant” at the age of 24, the biggest achievement that Charles made on the show was to survive until week eight. “When life throws you lemons,”, he declared before the series began, “make and sell lemonade for a healthy profit”. In a competition judged entirely on profit-making, he duly went on to be on the losing side most of the time. Still, it didn’t stop him carping at his team-mates, leading Lord Sugar to brand him “Mr Hindsight” – not the most useful ability for a consultant.
18. Jeff Wan (series 13)
Jeff: business analyst by day, “semi-professional hip-hop break-dancer” by night. He was fired in episode two, after spending a vast amount on furniture for a model hotel-room, then shirking his responsibility for the accounts.
Lord Sugar said he was “delinquent”; Jeff disagreed, preferring to think there’d been a conspiracy. “It’s heartbreaking, it’s gutting, it’s such a shame... I shouldn’t have been fired, I think I was framed.” Since he survived one week, it’s mathematically possible that his break-dancing skills are even worse
The Apprentice returns on October 3 at 9pm on BBC One