Imagining Kylie Pregnancy Announcement
Picture it: Times Square, New Year's Eve 2017. Mariah Carey has just finished giving the performance of her life. The noise in of the crowd is deafening; screams of adoration mix with yelps of anticipation and the stamping of feet trying desperately to stay warm. The air in New York City is electric. At home, on the couch, you watch the affair on television, warm on your couch in your pajamas because you can't be out here in these streets catching pneumonia like these children are just because the planet made another revolution around the Sun. Come on, now. Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen banter amiably as you wonder, for the 100th time, if they'd make a good couple.
No, you decide. Probably not. Probably best as friends. So much talking in that house. So many opinions. So much white hair in the drain. Who needs it?
You start to drift off to sleep as the countdown begins. Another year in the books. Good riddance. 4... 3... 2... 1... The ball drops, the crowd goes wild, confetti flies into the air. "Aud Lang Syne" begins to play when suddenly, a flash of light, then a record scratch sound, then an air horn like at a wedding reception DJ'd by your weird cousin. You lean in close to the TV. "This is unprecedented," Anderson Cooper murmurs. Is it? Can it be? There's something inside of the ball. It's emerging, walking slowly through the light, taking shape. Is it an alien being? Is this finally happening? Is it Melania Trump's doppelganger? Is it Kathy Griffin come to reclaim her time?
No! It's Kylie Jenner! Wearing a floor-length wig and a fur coat and sporting a huge baby bump! She's pregnant! "She's pregnant!" Andy Cohen screams. "She's pregnant!" you scream at the empty pizza box next to you. She's pregnant! Finally, the world knows and we can all get some sleep.
That's how I imagine the announcement will happen.
We have endured months of speculation about whether Kylie Jenner is, indeed, with child. It seems that a full decade has past since an angel appeared to a group of shepherds in a field one night and said "TELL TMZ THAT KYLIE JENNER IS HAVING A BABY, Y'ALL!" We have waited, with baited Twitter fingers for confirmation from the notoriously press savvy Kardashian-Jenner clan, to no avail. Khloe abruptly dropped the news of her own pregnancy last week and showed up to the family's annual Khristmas party in a bump-revealing body suit. (PS, why don't they spell it like this? I mean, are they about branding or not? If the Kardashians can't monetize the holidays, what are we even doing here?) We sat through 25 days of GAP ads on Kim's Instagram, waiting for a big reveal from her sister. No dice.
A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Dec 25, 2017 at 4:47pm PST
What do they want from us?! What do they want us to buy? KUWTK-themed Onesies? A bib that reads "You're doing amazing sweetie"? Jenner Diaper Jeanies? We'll buy it! All of it! Just tell us what to do!
Now, it's possible that the family simply wants to preserve its privacy.
I'm just kidding. They would never. No, there's clearly something up their sleeves. The only question is what? How will they leverage our rabid interest into the greatest reveal of all time? If it's not New Year's Eve (which it will be), it's got to be something equally epic. Some ideas:
They splice footage into all screenings of Star Wars: The Last Jedi so that in the scene when Kylo Ren and Rey are talking about who her parents are, it's revealed that Rey's mother is... KYLIE JENNER, WHO IS WITH CHILD WITH REY RIGHT NOW. (This timeline needs some work, but we'll fix it in post.)
Much like that time when U2 made everyone download an album they didn't ask for, every communications device on Earth will suddenly be taken over by a countdown clock ending on the due date of... KYLIE JENNER, WHO IS WITH CHILD, A CHILD THAT IS POSSIBLY REY, A JEDI. MAYBE.
Every new baby on Earth will be born with a temporary tattoo that reads, "Speaking of new babies... Guess who is pregnant! It's... KYLIE JENNER, WHO IS WITH CHILD, AND IT MAY BE REY BUT ALSO ISN'T THE POINT OF THE MOVIE TO START FRESH AND LET GO OF OUR INSISTENCE ON VIRTUE THROUGH LINEAGE? PERHAPS!
Meghan Markle's flower girl is... KYLIE JENNER'S NEWBORN CHILD, WHO MIGHT BE A JEDI AND IS DEFINITELY A JENNER, BUT, LIKE ALL OF US, MUST MEET THE WORLD ON HER OWN TERMS. MAYBE THIS CHILD JUST WANTS TO ESTABLISH SOMETHING NEW. FREED FROM HER FAMILY'S MANTLE. AIRING ON BRAVO THIS SPRING.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Kylie Jenner's Pregnancy Presents Twitter.
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