Iskra Lawrence says her postpartum experience was 'really tough': 'I was bottom of the barrel priority'

Welcome to So Mini Ways, Yahoo Life's parenting series on the joys and challenges of childrearing.

Iskra Lawrence knows that, as a detail-oriented Virgo, she can’t help but be a bit perfectionistic. While it’s a trait that has contributed to her success as an entrepreneur, investor and model, it’s something she has consciously avoided as a mom and partner. She recalls reading or being told that if she was to “try and perfect this mothering thing,” her longtime boyfriend, songwriter Philip Payne, would “feel really alienated, because he’s never going to feel like he’s doing it right.”

Early on after welcoming their son in 2020, Lawrence recalls moments of wanting to criticize how Payne was tackling a parenting duty. “I want to tell him he's not doing the diaper right, we really should be doing the butt cream, and he should be wiping this way or whatever,” she remembers. “And I literally just had to quiet that voice, and just be like, ‘Go with it. It's gonna be OK.’ If you can try and internally have that conversation rather than externally project it, I feel like that's the game-changer.”

Still, Lawrence remembers feeling like she was not her “best self” postpartum. “I [was] feeling like, ‘I don't know how to navigate it all, and I don't have all the answers. I can't do it perfectly,’ and that's a real struggle for someone like me,” says the British star. Her insecurities led her to be self-critical and compare herself to others, even when that goes against what she stands for as a body-positive force in the fashion industry.

“It's just really hard being a new mom, because you can read all the books, watch all the videos, but you still have like this little baby that you're trying to get to understand and know when there's no manual for it,” says Lawrence. “And if you're a perfectionist, it's hard because you just don't get it fully right.” But she found she could lean into the one thing she says any parent can “get right”: “You're doing enough by simply unconditionally loving them.”

The Saltair founder is also a major advocate of practicing self-compassion when juggling professional goals and a personal life as a parent. After leading the keynote conversation at Create & Cultivate’s 2023 Conference in Los Angeles last month, she was approached by multiple moms who told her they felt reassured that Lawrence had said, “Don’t try and do it all.” She notes that the “girlboss movement” has made women feel like they have to “do everything from scratch,” and solo, in order to prove themselves.

“It's so much better when you ask for help, when you surround yourself with a team that can support you, so you can have work-life balance,” says the former Aerie model. “It's still going to be a lot of work, and it's going to be hard to switch off. But the worst thing you can do is burn out, and then actually fall out of love with the business or the brand or the company that you started.”

But being a part of a team or community in which you feel supported and validated is integral to success, she notes. “That's what was unique about the Create & Cultivate experience,” recalls Lawrence. “Everyone was there to be open. They were there to be intentional, and they were there to support one another.”

Lawrence is also conscious of running the risk of burnout at home, which is why setting boundaries is so important to her. “I literally don't work between 10 minutes past 3, and when [my son] goes to bed [around] 7:30 p.m.— realistically, more like 8-ish,” she explains. “Then, I do a little bit more work after he's gone to bed. I'm trying to do better at also making Philip time, [which has] definitely been a bit of a struggle lately.”

That said, she advises other parents who are struggling to find more balance to put time aside — perhaps sitting down with a calendar like the Self Funding Planner Lawrence recently launched — and going over their schedule for the coming day, week, month or year. “There's something you can do,” she says. “Maybe five minutes of meditation or you take your meeting on the phone, and you go for a walk. Maybe it's one social night a week, seeing your girlfriends or going on a date night. It's just intentional. If I don't put myself and my needs first, I'm gonna get left behind, and when I'm in that place, I'm not going to be able to show up for myself or anyone else.”

That self-realization was a challenging lesson Lawrence admits she had to learn after giving birth. “The fourth trimester was really tough,” she admits. “I stopped showering, and I just was wearing robes all the time, not doing my hair or makeup or putting cute clothes on … [or] doing the things that make you feel like you.”

She remembers looking at her post-baby body and feeling grateful, knowing that her pregnancy and son’s birth had been “a gift,” yet all Lawrence wanted to do was look after her infant. “I was bottom of the barrel priority,” she explains. “I simply was not nourishing my body. I wasn't eating enough, I wasn't sleeping enough and I wasn't hydrating enough.”

In retrospect, Lawrence hopes “every mom worships herself the same way postpartum as she does when she's pregnant.” “As messy as it might get, remember what you've done,” she says. “You're so powerful. You need to nurture yourself, as well as your baby. And if you're struggling, ask people for help.”

As a passionate advocate of self-awareness, it’s no wonder Lawrence is already working on the concept with her son. “He’s an Aries, but a very emotionally sensitive Aries,” she notes. “He’s brave and courageous, but he also has very big emotions. So we've been doing a lot of work on how we can address them. Like, ‘Let's think about what we're feeling, and let’s talk about it.’"

Lawrence and Payne are also fostering their son’s self-empowerment. “I'm a big advocate for nudity,” she explains. “We’re constantly naked around the house, feeling confident, we're getting in the bath together as a family, we're talking about body parts openly. We’re giving him the language to talk about consent from day one. And I’m advocating for him before he can potentially advocate for himself, to encourage him. I've spoken to a few of the teachers at his school and asked, ‘Are you talking about race? How are you talking about inclusion? How are you talking about food around the kids?’”

Even though he’s only 3, the loving mom knows her son is already catching on. “I definitely know that he loves his hair, and he's definitely falling in love with his Blackness and understanding that he's Black and that his daddy is Black,” says Lawrence. “That's been huge for us, to make sure that he is really proud of who he is and that he understands that he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy and that makes him special and unique.”

Ultimately, Lawrence is dedicated to raising her little boy to celebrate and take care of himself in the very same way she’s learned to do that for herself. “By modeling it, we’re hopefully encouraging him to use positive language for how he speaks for himself — and to others.”

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