Your kid walked in on you having sex. Now what?

“Mom, did you faint last night when I came into your room?”

During the night in question, Leigh Magness had been having sex with her husband. So it’s understandable that those words from her 8-year-old son would inspire panic.

“Internally, I was not calm or casual, but I hope I conveyed a sense of calm and casualness when I told him that his dad and I had been having sex,” Magness tells Yahoo Life. “There's a balance between telling everything and telling nothing, and I wasn’t sure which way to go.”

In a society that sensationalizes sex, but dodges comprehensive sex education, many parents feel confused about how to effectively respond in a situation like this.

Paula Cyril describes feeling pure dread when her 5-year-old daughter walked in on her having sex. “I don’t think words can describe how I felt in that moment,” she says. “I mean, no one ever really tells you what you’re supposed to do in this situation. I didn’t know if I should yell at her or just begin to cry.”

She settled on yelling, a reaction she still deeply regrets. Cyril always had plans of explaining sex to her daughter but thought she would have control over when that conversation would happen. But, as established, parenting can be chaotic.

“I was so panicked that I projected my embarrassment on her at that moment,” she says. “I definitely could have done better to educate, and even when I did talk to her, I kept it really surface-level because I was afraid of traumatizing her even more.”

But Melissa Pintor Carnagey, founder and lead educator at Sex Positive Families, tells Yahoo Life that contrary to pop culture’s rhetoric, a child walking in on their parents having sex is not a situation that “scars” or “traumatizes” them.

“What has scarred adults who experienced this in their childhood is most often how the parents handled the situation,” she says. “Some remember parents punishing them, avoiding the topic or lying. These reactions can leave the child feeling confused, gaslit, ashamed or even afraid. If we want to do better for our kids, we have to take a different approach.”

The first step in doing better is trying not to panic. It is healthy for children to have an awareness, through early and ongoing sexual health talks, that people — even parents, grandparents and other adults — may have sex that is sometimes for the purposes of reproduction, and sometimes just for intimacy or pleasure.

“Try not to react negatively, and most importantly, don’t lie. Sex is natural and not shameful, so we want to ensure they don’t internalize mixed messages,” Carnagey says. “Let them know that if they have any questions, you’re available to talk further with them. It’s also a good time to remind them of privacy and any expectations you’ve established in the home for respecting private spaces.”

Although being caught in the act may be awkward, it can serve as an opportunity for parents to support a child’s understanding of healthy sexuality, keep the parent-child communication open and eliminate shame from the equation.

Parents having sex or sharing intimate time together can also be a healthy example of a loving relationship. When children are aware that the parents in their life share an intimate connection, it can be affirming and create a sense of safety.

“I became more confident in my parenting after my daughter walked in on my partner and I having sex,” says Kayleigh Newman. “Maybe I’m imagining it, but I think we got closer because of how I handled that night.”

After calmly asking her daughter to wait for her in the corridor, Newman proceeded to give her an age-appropriate definition of sex. She says she was patient and kind and made sure to remind her daughter that she wasn’t in any trouble. “Honestly, I really enjoyed that conversation with her. It felt like girl talk and we definitely bonded. Even now, four years later, we’re closer than ever," Newman says.

For older children who already have an understanding of how sex works, the situation might be even more delicate.

"If the child is old enough to know what is happening, they likely will walk in, then walk back out," says Carnagey. "They may have a reaction of discomfort, but you can follow up with them afterward.”

This is what Lily-Anne Turner did after her 14-year-old son walked in on her. “He practically ran out and my husband and I decided to let him be. The next day, my husband took him for a drive and they talked,” she tells Yahoo Life. “It was extremely awkward and I felt very embarrassed but it wasn’t anything groundbreaking.”

She adds, “Things were awkward for a few days but we moved past it very quickly, and we extended the same courtesy to him when we walked in on him a year later.”

Parents can help lay the groundwork for a healthy attitude about sex as an adult by supporting shame-free talks and ensuring that young people are aware of the importance of consensual intimacy within adult relationships. A child having an understanding of these concepts doesn’t mean they’re growing up too fast or going to end up traumatized.

“If your children find themselves seeking therapy as an adult, related to their childhood, chances are high that it won’t be because of that one time they walked in on their parents having sex,” says Carnagey. “It probably also won’t be because they’re equipped with enough information to protect themselves and have healthy sex lives.”

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