Do siblings ever stop fighting? Here's what parenting experts say

My oldest son was barely a year and a half when his younger brother was born. It was a few hours after the little guy made his debut when big brother was brought to the hospital to meet his new sibling.

I was in the hospital bed, holding my brand-new baby when my husband walked in holding our bigger baby. The look on my older son’s face was saying, Whatever that is better not come home with us. He then buried his head in a chair and sobbed. My mama heart broke for him.

In the seven years since that moment, I've broken up more fights between these two boys than I can possibly count. Will the fighting ever end? It's a question I and many other parents with feuding siblings frequently grapple with.

Erin Walsh — author, educator and founder of Spark & Stitch Institute, which uses brain science to help with parenting issues — says parents often think their children are not the norm and fight way more than other siblings.

“It’s a universal experience,” she tells Yahoo Life. “Most siblings have some amount of fighting and disagreements. What’s tricky is how we respond.”

Walsh says there’s no quick-fix, five-step program to a peaceful, fight-free home, but there are actions parents can take to create less stress for everyone involved.

First, a parent should identify what kind of caregiver they are. There’s the under-responder who believes kids will be kids, and they’ll figure it out. Then there’s the other extreme: the over-responder who becomes the default mediator at all times. Most parents, including myself, fall into this category.

According to Walsh, “neither of those approaches help our kids." She recommends that parents focus less on stepping in as a referee and instead see themselves in the role of coach. "There is time for independent building with minimal help from us," she says. "When things get very heated or unsafe we are in a position to come in and do some stronger building.”`

Another course of action is for the caregivers to implement the red, yellow and green zone method to distinguish the types of conflicts taking place. Green may involve overhearing some loud voices, a heated debate or someone expressing disappointment, but it’s not escalating quickly.

“Let them work their way through it,” Walsh says. “That is really challenging for some parents. We typically just run in, referee and punish someone.”

Yellow zone could be escalating behavior, but it's unclear where it’s headed.

“Instead of immediately refereeing, name what we see and express confidence they can handle it,” Walsh says. “[Try saying something along the lines of] ’It looks like you both want to be this character in the game or want to play with this toy,’ whatever it may be. [Tell kids] ‘I’m confident you can come up with a solution.’”

Red zone is when things become unsafe for the siblings, and an adult needs to step in. But when a parent does intervene, they should make sure they're not placing blame or taking sides. Parents should be curious and give each child a chance to share their perspective. Next, they can ask the kids to brainstorm solutions.

“This is the part that’s hard,” Walsh says. “You might want to say, ‘Would you like to hear a few options?’ Ask them, ‘Can we live with this solution?’ They may not be thrilled with the solution, but can they live with it?”

If emotions are running high, it might be time for all parents to have a breather, says Lalaine Frankel, a parent coach and college educator. She says there’s no point in trying to reason when children are in a heightened state. That said, parents should also be careful to not move on once tempers have cooled.

“The problem is we often separate and then we don’t come back and deal with the situation,” Frankel tells Yahoo Life. “Put a timer on, take a 10-minute breather. Ask, ‘are you ready to talk?'”

This is an opportunity for parents to get to the root of why they are fighting, which Frankel says is often the desire for more parental attention. Simply spending 10 or 15 minutes of one-on-one time with a child can work wonders. It could be as simple as running an errand together, taking a walk or just chatting while preparing dinner.

“If they think you have filled their emotional bucket, then they can handle much more,” she says. “They think I’ve had this connection and I feel like someone loves me. I belong in this family and I’m important here.”

Helping a child feel like an important part of the family starts with the parents, who are responsible for recognizing some of their own behaviors that could be unintentionally contributing to conflicts. Is a parent frequently telling a child they can’t play a game because they have to help another child with homework? Or perhaps parents have caught themselves comparing their children or immediately labeling one as the aggressor.

Anna Mowat, an educator and director at Real Parents and Real Collective, says there are little things here and there parents do that they probably don’t realize.

“We've contributed to this over time — inadvertently comparing them, perhaps the way we went about transitioning in the next child (the new baby), the ways we manage our children. The youngest always needing to go first or the eldest always needing to be in some way responsible for their younger siblings and causing some resentment between them,” Mowat says. “Parents always have the best intentions, but generally we will have had the greatest impact. Think about how we describe our children to others, think about what attention they each get.”

So will the fighting ever end? Maybe not. But as they grow, the fighting will look different and with some guidance, squabbling siblings will hopefully learn life skills to help them navigate the disagreements better and realize the importance of sibling relationships.

“That relationship is probably the longest relationship they will have in their life,” Frankel says. “[Siblings] know us when we are our genuine authentic selves and that’s why they know what buttons to press. There’s something about that relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, there’s a draw.”

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