Lady Gaga Fights Back Tears on Tour with Oprah: "I Was Afraid I Was Gonna Die"

From Oprah Magazine

• Oprah Winfrey kicked off her 2020 Vision: Your Life in Focus Tour with WW on Saturday in Ft. Lauderdale, where a sold-out arena of 15,000 fans participated in goal-setting exercises and jotted down words of wisdom from the O of O.

• In addition to a dance party led by Julianne Hough, Oprah also welcomed Lady Gaga to the stage for a one-on-one interview that kept the audience hooked. During their conversation, the duo—who've opened up to each other before—addressed mental health, sexual assault, and what's it on store for Gaga's career.
  

• "I’m a survivor and I’m living and I’m thriving and I’m strong," Gaga told Oprah.
  

Who wouldn’t drop what they were doing if Oprah called to ask for a favor?

Lady Gaga did just that on Saturday, when she arrived at Fort Lauderdale’s BB&T Center as the first celebrity guest to participate in Oprah’s nine-city 2020 Vision: Your Life in Focus Tour with WW. Following a morning packed with goal-setting exercises (think: mindful meditation, journaling, and some care-free dancing) designed to help folks live more well, Oprah introduced the nine-time Grammy winner to a sea of 15,000 screaming fans for an emotional conversation that not only brought Gaga to tears, but was also among her most candid in recent memory.

Relying on her expert reportorial way of conducting interviews, Oprah got the Oscar-winner, 33, to open up about the creation of her Lady Gaga persona (she was born Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta), plus heavier topics such as chronic pain, self-harm, and sexual assault. Gaga bravely explained how trauma from her adolescence shaped her adulthood and eventually led to mental and physical well-being issues that at one point kept her from getting out of bed. (Oprah also confirmed that Gaga’s on board for a forthcoming mental health documentary via AppleTV+, just like Prince Harry).

“I was raped repeatedly when I was 19 years old. I also developed PTSD as a result of being raped and not processing that trauma. I did not have anyone help me, I did not have a therapist, I did not have a psychiatrist, I did not have a doctor help me through it,” Gaga told Oprah, saying that after she earned success and fame in her early 20s, her body felt “intense pain” that mimicked the “illness” of being raped.

Gaga was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia and now turns to various techniques to feel better—she takes both anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, works out daily, practices transcendent meditation along with talk therapy and DBT therapy—but she spent years suffering, not knowing why. “I just didn’t stop moving and working and dancing through insurmountable pain … It was so frustrating … I was improperly medicated and I wasn’t in therapy,” she told Oprah.

“I was afraid I was gonna die,” Gaga said, holding back tears. “I would say I lived that way for about five years. And I’d rather face that, those five years, because they made me who I am.”

Gaga said she eventually experienced a “psychotic break,” a term she first used with Oprah during their December 2019 Elle interview. “I was triggered, really badly, in a court deposition. This part of the brain where you stay centered and you don’t disassociate, right? It slammed down. My whole body started tingling and I started screaming. I was in a hospital. It’s very difficult to describe what it feels like other than that you first start to tingle from head to toe and then you go numb,” Gaga said.

“The brain goes, ‘That’s enough, I don’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t want to feel this anymore.’ Boom. You break from reality as you know it. You have no concept of what’s going on around you. There is nothing wrong, but you are in a traumatic state. I remember going into the hospital and screaming, ‘Why is no one else panicking!?”

Because of that alarming hospital visit, she came out on the other side, and later received the proper healthcare, which now includes the “unorthodox set of pills” she takes. “[My psychiatrist] assembled a team for me and I went away to a place that I go to sometimes still for a reboot. They took care of me. They saved my life. And I’m very thankful,” Gaga said. “I know this is controversial in a lot of ways, but medicine really helped me.”

In retrospect, she understands how the dots connect, emphasizing that it’s now her mission to “solve this mental health crisis.”

“This happened for a reason. All the things I’ve been through. I was supposed to go through this. Even the rape—all of it. I radically accepted they happened because God was saying to me, ‘I’m gonna show you pain. And then you’re going to help other people who are in pain because you’re going to understand it,” Gaga said. “Now, when I see someone in pain I can’t look away. I’m in pain too. Now, I’m in problem-solving mode. I’ve got my suit on and my heels and I’m ready to go.”

Aside from opening up about pain and mental health, Oprah also quizzed Gaga on her career—and what’s next.

Catch the full interview here:

And below, the biggest takeaways.

On creating the Lady Gaga persona:

When I was younger, I went through a lot of struggles in high school. I was really bullied. I didn’t feel good about myself. I was made fun of, ‘Why do you want to be a singer? Why do you want to be a musician? Why do you want to be an actress?’ I felt so secluded and isolated … It was in creating Gaga that I was able to create a super hero for myself. It was the me that I wanted to be. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to be filled with self-compassion, filled with compassion for others. And I wanted to share my story and my vision of the world with the world.

On the shock-value behind her early performances and outfits:

It was something I enjoyed to bemuse people so they would listen to the music and there was sort of this state of confusion of, ‘Who is this woman?’ It’s kind of like watching a train wreck. The truth is that was part of my art form. How do I get people to see and watch and listen? And become engaged with me on a personal level? Even though it felt superficial for a lot of people —it’s changed since then because number one, it’s no longer shocking to have pink hair. Number two, I think the most shocking thing I can possibly do is be completely vulnerable and honest with you about my life, what I’ve been through, the struggles that I’ve seen and have been a part of and share that with the world.

On making the world better:

When you give back to yourself you sit in a state of gratitude and then you are able to give to those around you and be kind. That is how we heal the world.

On self-harming:

I like to say I used to cut as opposed to I’m a cutter because I identify with it and that’s not healthy for me. When you speak things out into existence you’re feeding back something to your brain that you’re going to [internalize]. Cutting for me, I believe, happens for a variety of reasons. I also used to throw myself against a wall. I mean, I used to do some horrible things to myself when I was in pain.

On keeping the identity of her rapist private:

Through the #MeToo movement I have made the personal choice not to say who it is because I choose to not relive it. That’s my personal choice. I hope that the world respects that.

On telling her fans about the “psychotic break”:

At some point, I had to tell people. I can’t live a lie, I’m an authentic person, and here I am, I’m perfectly imperfect and we all are. We all have our things that we go through. I felt like, “Why shouldn’t I share this when I share all of myself with the world all the time?' And I could maybe help people that have had psychotic breaks.

On how long she’s worked on #LG6, her forthcoming untitled sixth album:

For years. Not four years, but for years. Uh-huh. Don’t worry, we’re having a self-care conversation but I still am going to make music, don’t worry. I think I have a few superpowers. I just haven’t used them all yet. I’m getting ready. I’ve got a wand in my purse.

On what keeps her going:

Women like you. Faith. Inspiration. Hope … I have radically accepted that I will put my shame in a box and put it all the way over there and make it very small. And I say to myself, "I have mental health issues, I take a lot of medication to stay on board, and I’m a survivor and I’m living and I’m thriving and I’m strong and I’m gonna take all my life experiences and I’m gonna share them with the world and make it a better place." … I want impact.

The truth is that once I became famous I thought to myself, I will and I want to continue making music, I want to continue making movies, but I want to help people. These people that come to my shows. I don’t want to just take your money and sing for you, I want to help change your life.

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