LGBTQ Adults Revealed What It Was Like Coming Out "Later In Life," And Their Stories Are Really Eye-Opening

We asked the LGBTQ folks of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what it was like coming out "later in life." Here's what they had to say:

Paramount Pictures

Note: Some submissions include topics of anti-gay abuse, sexual assault, and suicide. Please proceed with caution.

Note: There's no right or wrong time to come out as LGBTQ — every individual's experience is different, and it's important to honor everyone's journeys and what works best for them.

1."Growing up I liked boys, but I also secretly liked girls. I used to draw princesses because I liked their dresses, when in reality, I was fascinated by their bodies and thought they were beautiful. My parents were always loving, but the town I grew up in is horrendously conservative and anti-gay. So, I internalized a lot of their false messages that being anything other than heterosexual was a sin. I denied my bisexuality into my 20s, and my toxic boyfriend at the time asked me if I was bi, and I denied it. Eventually I met the most wonderful person, we told each other EVERYTHING, and they accepted every part of me. June 2020 was getting closer, I was 40, and I was sick of hiding behind the ally label when I was actually part of the LGBTQ community."

"My spouse was with me when I called my family, and everyone was so supportive! I told my dad I was nervous about coming out, so later he texted me websites, saying: 'I looked up how to talk to family — will these help?' My dad wanted to make my coming out experience as easy for me as he could. Nearly a few years later, I'm publicly out as bisexual, and my spouse is transgender and beginning the transition process. The two of us feel far freer than we ever have before, and for the first time in both of our lives, we are living according to our own terms."

—dallasdarklady

2."I came out at 30 years old, and it was a long process discovering who I really was. I’m Italian, and I live in quite a conservative area, and like most LGBTQ people growing up, I always knew I was gay. My relationships with women were such a mess that I drowned in guilt — I didn't want to hurt them and keep lying. I kept repeating to myself: 'You're bi! Don’t be afraid tell them!' But fear and expectations put me in limbo. I was working in Venice, and I fell deeply in love with a man — it was like a movie. We kissed around Venice, but tried to keep it a secret because he was a coworker of mine. He ended up breaking my heart, and I was devastated — but I 'couldn't act like' something happened. So, I eventually sat down with my parents, held their hands, and told them I was gay. It was really perfect."

"My father told me: 'So what?' [in a kind way], and my mother hugged me so hard I swear I can still feel it. My friends gave me so much love and support, and now I can finally live my life and be who I really am and not be ashamed. Fear doesn't own my body anymore — I regret not coming out sooner, but evidently, this was meant to be. I couldn't be happier."

—michaelcarion1

NBC

3."I knew as early as the fourth grade that I wasn't 'strictly' attracted to boys — I didn't fully come out as bi and queer until I was 31 years old. My parents were clear that they weren’t thrilled with the idea from a young age, and it wasn’t until I was in a serious relationship with someone who was nonbinary that I told them. They still struggle with it, but they try really hard — they even supply storage for our local Pride group that I run. I came out as nonbinary in 2020, but I probably will never tell them that part — in general, most folks in my life have been supportive (I lost a few people along the way, but they didn’t deserve to be in my life in the first place). Now I'm engaged to a trans man, and we are living that queer, trans, love DREAM."

—wildriver

4."I got married in 2020 to an incredible man, and in less than a year, we got divorced. Now I'm in a relationship with the most amazing woman in the world. I made many wrong turns to get to where I am today — I hurt a lot of people, and I wish I could take all of that back, but where I am today is exactly where I have always wanted to be. After being severely bullied at a young age for being gay before I knew if I was or not, and then being sexually assaulted by a man, I was determined to 'be straight' and regain my power from men. I worked hard and eventually believed it myself — until her. Until I met the person who shook me awake. I'm 26, and I don't think there is a 'right time' to come out — would it have been nice to come out earlier? For sure. But I have to believe it all happens for reason."

—ellynmelon

5."Since I work at a middle school, that included my students. The morning of my announcement, my hands were shaking when I walked into the classroom. I took a deep breath and explained to a room of fifth, sixth, and seventh graders how I had been born Kevin but would now be Valerie. After my talk, the kids were given the opportunity to write down any questions or comments they had for me. By the end of the day, I had a stack of excellent questions and some of the sweetest comments ever — one student even told me we were BFFs. From that day until the end of the year, the kids were amazing about my transition. They put a concerted effort into getting my pronouns right, and to say Mrs. instead of Mr. It was the start of my social transition, and I'll never forget how helpful they were."

—valerie_d

6."I was 29 years old [when I came out] and didn’t know what to expect from my mom. She’s a devout Christian, and genuinely believes and thinks about what she believes. She has a few gay friends, but has made it respectfully clear that she doesn’t agree with 'that lifestyle.' When I told her I was queer, she thought for a long time and just said: 'Jesus never told us who we could and couldn’t love,' and I was shocked. I actually asked her to repeat herself because it didn’t seem like something she’d ever say — it was such a positive experience."

—jttcangetit

7."I was the youngest of three siblings to come out as queer. My older brother came out at 16, my younger brother came out at 27, and I came out at 31. I met a girl in 2015 who drop-kicked me out of the closet. Before her, I had a subconscious premonition I wasn't straight, so after meeting her, I could no longer ignore it. I spent the following four years identifying as pansexual, then fluid, then bi, back to fluid, and then a lesbian. At 30 I was living my best openly queer life with one exception: My parents still didn't know. As 2020 approached, my brothers and I had a running joke I should just text them: 'Happy New Year from your super gay daughter!' as a way to 'rip the Band-Aid off,' but I was too nervous. I asked my older brother to do it for me, and on Jan. 1, I was officially out to everyone — I finally felt free."

—rgb_la

8."About five years ago when I was 30, something just clicked in my mind when I learned about pansexuality — I realized that was me. I knew I didn't identify as a lesbian or bi, so I just identified as straight for a while — everyone I cared about assumed I was bi, and were shocked when they learned I wasn't. I came out to my partner of 13 years, and he just said, 'Called it,' and has been super supportive ever since. When I came out to my best friend of over 20 years, she just gave me a hug and whispered: 'I told you so!' They're both awesome, and knew just what to say."

—Kay Knott, Facebook

9."I remember the day I learned the definition of a lesbian as a child, and I thought to myself: 'I must be a lesbian because I find other girls pretty.' The next day, I thought boys were attractive too, and decided I 'couldn't be a lesbian' because I also liked boys (no one ever told me there was an option of liking more than one gender, so it never even crossed my mind). It took me over 20 years to unlearn that close-minded view on sexuality — even when I was older and learned the definition of bisexuality, I didn't consider myself bi. I used to have what I called 'girl crushes' on women who I found attractive, but assumed those were 'normal' and that every woman had those. At 25, two strong crushes in a row on two incredibly open-minded bisexual women helped me out of my closet."

"My mother was incredibly accepting — growing up she always told my brothers and I that 'she would love us no matter who we brought home,' and she lived up to that promise. My father, however, still has some outdated views on my sexuality — he's questioned why I'm still dating men despite coming out, but my mother accepts me, and that's what matters to me."

—l4b8a7d01f

10."I grew up in a small, conservative, and religious town in Texas, and I’ve known that I’m a lesbian for a very long time now. But I never had the courage to come out to my parents until after my suicide attempt in May 2020 — but now I’ve never felt freer in my life. It feels so good to not have to hide who I am. They still don’t necessarily agree with it, but I don’t care — it’s allowed me to find out who my true friends are, and they still love and support me. They are the only people who truly matter to me (one of my close friends even came out to me as bi when I told her I was a lesbian)."

—kylee_kubik

11."I always felt weird being a girl, and every time I brought it up in my childhood in the '70s, I was told it was just a phase. As a result, I became a shy and awkward woman. Years later, when I was 43, my boyfriend at the time identified as bisexual, and asked me one day if I identified as something other than straight. It became clear I'm bi-gender with a dominant male side after over 40 years of living a life I never felt like myself in. I'll be eternally grateful I had him in my life because he showed me who I really am when nobody else did. I'm 53 now, and I'm finally learning how to be myself."

—risingphnx1

12."When I was almost 30 years old, my boyfriend and I broke up after years of dating, and we were almost going to get married. In the ensuing heartbreak, I read many self-help 'how to get over a breakup' articles, and so many of them suggested to 're-discover yourself.' So, I embarked on the Journey of Finding Yourself, and somewhere along the way, I read the book Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. When I finished it, I realized, Oh, I'm bisexual, and then I came out."

—wssarl

DreamWorks Pictures

13."I've known I was transgender since I was 16 years old, but I spent 20 years running away from who I really was. I thought I 'cured' myself when my son was born, but shortly after I finished my master's in 2017, it became clear to me I was transgender. Telling my wife was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and when she responded with: 'I'm not attracted to women,' I thought we were done. That was two years ago, and I'm happy to say this month we'll be celebrating our six-year anniversary. I work at a middle school with about 30 kids, and when I came out to my fellow staff and my students, they were AWESOME about the whole thing. In January, I started to publicly transition, and I haven't looked back since."

—valeriedumas1982

14."I was raised in a very conservative home and got married way too young because it was expected of me. I was always secretly attracted to women, but it never occurred to me it was possible to be in a romantic relationship with one. I spent a decade in an extremely toxic marriage, as I repressed my sexuality and tried to fit into a socially acceptable 'feminine' role. I finally came out as queer at 30, and at the time I didn't know if I was being brave, but I did know hiding my identity was slowly killing me. It was terrifying, and it turned my life upside down, but it was worth it. I was able to start rebuilding my life on my own terms — I got out of my miserable marriage, I chopped off all my hair like I'd never been 'allowed' to, and I started to dismantle the internalized anti-gayness I'd carried around my whole life."

"Some of the awful things people did and said to me when I came out will stick with me forever, but I figured out who my real support system was. I'm now engaged to an amazing woman who is also a wonderful co-parent to my 6-year-old kiddo. We're building our dream life together, day by day."

—rfraz

15.And finally: "I grew up going to church and very much internalized the idea that being queer was a sin. I knew I was queer, but I was so afraid of losing my family, friends, and whole world — so, I remained closeted. After a lot of soul searching, reading queer theology, and going to therapy (yay for therapy!), I came out to my friends first and then my family when I was 31. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done, but when I finally told them, my dad said: 'I love you more today than I have ever loved you before.' I don't regret coming out later in life. We're all on our own journeys, and I'm grateful for being queer because it made me brave."

—cali4nia83

Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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