Lost: Timothee Chalamet’s Butt in the New ‘Little Women’ Movie
Hello, friends. I've come here with an absolutely urgent message. I've lost something of great value, and I need your help finding it as soon as humanly possible. It's vital to our national security and also to the entire Twitter community. That thing is Timothée Chalamet's butt.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Umm... his butt is... attached to him?" No, that's not what I mean. I'm looking for his ass in a larger sense, because, you see, in watching the masterpiece that is the new Little Women movie, I realized that he literally does not have one. There is nothing there. Where his booty should be? It’s like staring out into an abyss, instead. And it was, frankly, distracting.
Let me explain. Playing Laurie required Timmy to wear period-appropriate pants, which, apparently, had a high waist, like this:
In putting the waist of his pants above his belly button, it elongated the butt region when looking from the back, therefore giving away any chance Timmy had at any volume in that area. That's not my opinion, that's math. Therefore, his already-teeny ass looked even teenier. It's pure geometry.
I noticed it early on in the film, but wrote it off as a funny thing that, chances are, no one else picked up on. It got to be a problem, though, in the most important scene between Laurie and Jo. The two of them are on a hillside, and Laurie is explaining to Jo that he's always loved her. She's trying to turn him down, but he's insisting they'd be great together. It's one of the dramatic climaxes of the movie, and while I was sobbing (no shame), I was also internally screaming, "Where THE HELL is his BUTT?"
It made me wonder... was his butt ever really there? Was it there, and I took it for granted, so it went away? Or has he always been ass-less? I did a quick run through his most recent movies to see for myself. Let's start with The King, in which he plays the King of England. Here's a pic of him staring off into the distance pondering some war stuff. I'm just saying, there's some serious bag in those pants.
Then there's Call Me By Your Name. Yes, there is a full-on shot of his ass in that film, but for the sake of your eyes I'm not going to put that here. Just Google it. I will leave you, though, with this GIF of him doin' a little dance. Fun! But, alas, not a lot of ass in those jeans.
Then there's Lady Bird. I couldn't find a good shot of him from the back, so I'm going to ask you to trust me on this one.
While he might be singlehandedly resurrecting the phrase "hella tight" in this scene, it begged the question, can an ass ever be too tight? Like, so tight it doesn't exist? I think the answer is yes.
None of this is to say that we don't love Timmy. We just think it might be time to consider some butt pads. Long live Timmy, and long live his teeny, tiny tush.
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