'Love Bombing' Sounds Romantic, but Here's Why It's Actually a Red Flag
Experts explain what this means and why it is dangerous.
You've probably heard the saying that if something looks too good to be true, it probably is. That same concept could be true with love bombing. As the name suggests, it is like an explosion of affection poured out on a person at the beginning of a relationship. This may sound quite romantic. However, too much too fast can also be a warning sign.
Typically, relationships start out more slowly with each party cautiously getting to know the other. It usually takes a little time to develop intense romantic feelings. Even with "love at first sight" feelings, it takes time to develop intimacy based on really knowing the other person.
It can be confusing enough, when you first get into a relationship, to gauge your own feelings as you get to know the other person. Then, when you throw in the outpouring of affection from the other person, it can distort the feelings you are developing. Although that affection may feel good, you may find the need to return the affection or devotion before you are actually ready.
So how do you handle this love bombing or decipher its meaning? There are some clear red flags that you need to watch out for that indicate a manipulation that is unhealthy. We reached out to psychologists to get an in-depth look.
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What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is what happens when one person, in a new relationship, showers the other with so much affection that it's overkill for just getting to know someone. For the recipient, it may feel good to get all of that attention and "love." However, this could very well be a manipulative tactic to make the other person feel obligated or become dependent on the love bomber. In fact, the tactic is quite often used by narcissists or abusers.
Jessica Knight, MA, CPCC, NICC, certified co-active life coach, explains love bombing as "excessive attention, admiration and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and somewhat addicted to them". She goes on to say, "I personally see this as the phase when the narcissist or the abuser wears the mask and projects a fake-best version of themselves. They act as someone who will help you through all of your problems and make you feel so seen. They want all of the things you want. But it's fake—they are projecting behaviors that they can't maintain long term and are acting that way to lure you in".
"It is important to say that there is nothing wrong with going intense and diving deep into a relationship but both must have the same intentions," clarifies Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and author. "If someone's intention is to emotionally manipulate to gain power over a person—this is love bombing. It can be hard to spot because it looks and feels similar to what many people want in relationships: to feel loved, wanted and adored."
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What Are Some Signs You Are Being Love Bombed?
When you are the recipient of love bombing, it is necessary to keep a clear head. This can be more difficult when you are feeling happy to have someone "love" you so much. However, after the initial period of being lavished with affection, there could be a change to that behavior that makes the "love" more conditional.
Knight says, "You can tell you're being loved bombed if you feel like things are moving fast, where it feels too much too soon. The person will likely want to see you constantly—multiple days in a row. They will be texting you constantly. They will likely also future-fake, where they make plans with you (or try to) for the future without even knowing each other. They will say I love you quickly, and may even ask to move in with you (or vice versa) very soon."
This stage of affection doesn't last though. She further explains, "A few months in, you'll know you've been loved bombed if the person you're dating now is not the person you started dating. The 'mask' usually falls off after three months or so."
Here are some examples of red flags to watch out for:
At the Beginning of a Relationship
At first, the narcissist will want to make you feel special, grateful and loved to the point where you feel obligated, dependent and more secure with that person.
"Look for signs and please don't just label it as love bombing, but have curious conversations with the other person to try to understand their intentions," advises Suglani.
Signs to look out for:
They bombard you with gifts.
The relationship feels intense and unbalanced.
They give you constant compliments.
They say exactly what you want to hear and what feels good for you.
They expect a lot of time and attention, which can isolate you from your friends and family.
Your bond seems intense, which can feel good and at times overwhelming.
They put you on a pedestal and can mistreat you.
They can get upset when you set a boundary.
They can push for commitment very early on.
They may say things like:
You're my soulmate
You're the perfect man/woman
We're soulmates
You complete me
I've never met anyone like you
I'll never meet anyone like you
Related: What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
As the Relationship Continues
In time, you will start to see actions of neediness with the love bomber.
Affection becomes conditional: "I did this for you now you need to do this or that for me."
They want all of your time—they become clingy and may discourage your time with friends or family.
There's intense jealousy if you do spend time with others.
Personal boundaries are discarded—for example, they may show up at your workplace.
They want to make a relational commitment too quickly, like by talking about marriage or moving in together.
They need continuous reassurance and compliments from you because of their insecurity.
At some point, they turn cold because they are unable to keep up with the facade.
Related: Everyone's Talking About Attachment Styles in Relationships—Which One Are You?
Can Love Bombing Be Innocent?
There are a few examples of when love bombing is not done as a way to manipulate. However, can love bombing really be innocent? Knight answers that as yes and no. "I think we often know when we are not showing an authentic version of ourselves. It is one thing if we are trying to grow in that area and be THAT person, it is another when we are trying to be someone we are not to convince someone to be with us."
This isn't to say that love bombing is ever necessarily good. It just means that there may be instances when it is done innocently or without a motive to manipulate.
"Everyone relates differently to people based on their early experiences and attachment style," explains Suglani. "It is only through relationship experiences we can understand how we relate with others and take accountability to understand our patterns. So in terms of whether love bombing can be innocent, yes it can and it can also be the intention. It depends on the awareness of the other person."
There are a few instances to rule out before assuming that the other person has dangerous intentions.
1. Raised In a Culture of Affection and Expressiveness - Some families are very affectionate and a person could view this as the norm without putting a lot of thought into the words or actions of affection. In this case, you could let the love bomber know that you are uncomfortable with that much show of emotion and they should respond by tapering it down. When the person shows respect for your feelings, it's a good sign. However, that person may not be as "in love" as they appear.
2. Loneliness - A person could act quickly with their emotions when they have a strong desire to be in a relationship due to being lonely. They may truly want to love you and have you love the back. However, this is not a healthy reason to pursue a relationship quickly.
3. Want To Make Up for Previous Mistakes - It could be that the love bomber has had relationships in the past that didn't go so well. Showing a lot of affection fast may be an attempt to keep the relationship strong. There may not be an attempt to manipulate but an intent to do better...much better.
Why Is Love Bombing So Dangerous?
When the motive of love bombing is meant to manipulate, it is highly dangerous. A narcissist or sociopath does this type of love bombing with the intent of controlling you. Even though the relationship might start out as seemingly romantic and affectionate, it will quickly change.
"Love bombing can leave you feeling vulnerable and also dependent on the feeling of being seen, cared for and loved," says Suglani. "Love bombing is considered 'unhealthy' because it makes it harder for the other person to maintain their personal boundaries—you can lose yourself and start to depend on the other person to feel good."
It's also dangerous, according to Knight, "because you get looped into a relationship that is essentially fake. By the time you realize you've been love bombed, you likely are so invested in the relationship that it feels impossible to leave, yet it is incredibly painful to stay."
There are four stages that typically happen as the relationship progresses from love bombing to abuse.
Stages in the Cycle of Abuse
Love bombing - This is done to win the partner over, build a connection and make them feel dependent.
Devaluing - At some point the affection turns to criticism to hurt the other person.
Discarding - The abuser will eventually end the relationship abruptly in a dramatic way that leaves the other person wondering what they did wrong.
Hoovering - Even though the abuser discards the relationship, they still continue to check in on their partner to re-engage them in their drama.
This cycle is not only emotionally abusive but could also lead to physical abuse.
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
What To Do if You're Being Love Bombed
When you realize that you are being love bombed, the best thing to do is get out of the relationship as soon as possible. This may be hard to do depending on the feelings that you have developed. However, if you feel something is off, listen to your instincts and leave. Or, if friends are telling you what they see more clearly, listen to them.
Knight says, "If you feel like you can't pause, can't slow down, or can't leave...then I would begin to look up the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and get a support system in place that can help you understand your reality [and] leave the relationship if it isn't right or healthy for you."
Be cognizant of the fact that the love bomber will try to re-engage with affection and flattery or a promise to do whatever you want. Remember the saying, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."
If you have isolated yourself because your partner has wanted all of your time, reconnect with your family and friends. They can offer you needed support.
"Take some time out away from the person to reground yourself and connect yourself back to your values, your intentions in a relationship, how the person makes you feel and why and your goals for the future," advises Suglani. "Have a sit-down moment with yourself where you ask yourself if the other person aligns with this and act accordingly."
Suglani goes on to say that it's important to "set healthy and realistic boundaries with yourself and the other person once you have had time for reflection."
Related: How to Deal With a Narcissist... When You Suddenly Realize You're in a Relationship with One
How To Avoid Being Loved Bombed
It's scary to think that you might end up in a dangerous relationship or not know the difference between real affection versus being loved bombed. However, there are some things that you can do to protect yourself from getting into this situation. Knight suggests being aware and says, "I'd take some time to get right with reality. You may ask yourself questions like: Who is the person I initially met? What qualities did he/she have? Which of those qualities are present today? Is this moving at a speed I am comfortable with? What happens when I try to pump the breaks?"
Tips to avoid being love bombed:
Put up your antenna if you receive many extravagant gifts at the beginning of your relationship, even if it feels good to receive that kind of attention. For instance, receiving an expensive necklace on a second date is not the norm and should raise a red flag.
Be aware of your own vulnerabilities and needs, especially if you are vulnerable due to a recent breakup with someone else.
Ask for insight from family and friends. Never isolate yourself from other good relationships.
Pay attention to the characteristics of your partner like lack of empathy or neediness. When these characteristics are combined with over-the-top affection, it is a warning sign.
Sources
Jessica Knight, MA, CPCC, NICC, certified co-active life coach
Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and author
