Madonna’s latest social media mishap shows the perils of carrying on past your partying prime
Not sure when you last saw Madonna. Chances are it was the picture she took of herself in the bath, almost but not quite covered in rose petals, reminding us that Covid-19 was the great equaliser? Anyway, this week Madonna turned 62, which prompted her to post a picture of herself in her new evil mermaid incarnation, saucily proffering a tray of marijuana to the camera.
Uh-oh. Keen as we are for Madonna to do her thing, and not go quietly into the free-bus-pass decade, this image suggests that she never got the How Not To Party Post 60 memo. And while you can see why Madonna would think that’s not a memo that she needs to be paying attention to, she’s probably wrong.
In our opinion, the How Not To Party rules are the only age-related rules that are worth taking seriously. You can get away with hot pants (see Yoko). You can get away with partners younger than your children (see Madonna and Sean Penn, coincidentally her ex-husband) and saying rude words (Miriam Margolyes) and having hair you can sit on (Cher), but when it comes to party time, you need to think before you do as you would have done when you were in your partying prime. That is, if you want those present – or on your Instagram feed – to respect you in the morning.
So for anyone else about to celebrate a 60-something birthday – here are the main HNTPPS rules:
Don’t be all “look at me and my drugs”. This is the height of sadness in 2020 when all the cool young people aren’t even vaping.
Dancing is fine providing you are not the only one doing it, and you are not harassing the DJ or shuffling the chosen compilation at every opportunity, muttering “I want Blurred Lines!”
Never wear a hat on the dance floor. That’s the kind of thing that only becomes tempting post 48.
Never lift up your skirts in a Carmen-esque sort of way.
Resist the Kate Bush impersonation (now you just look mad) and the moonwalk and attempting to break dance.
Don’t float about doing swooshy things with your clothes (very much a midlife onwards habit) or shut your eyes.
Don’t take a drink on to the dance floor. That looks desperate. Also on no account try to introduce young members of the opposite sex to the delights of Ceroc or the Bump.
Don’t drag people on to the dance floor – once upon a time they were just shy, now they’re horrified.
Did we mention, lay off the DJ? The DJ has definitely not got Oops Up Side Your Head by The Gap Band.
If you think you might be making an idiot of yourself, don’t check with a person of a similar age; in fact don’t bother checking at all. If you have the slightest suspicion, get off the table and possibly retire for the night.
Don’t make announcements. Such as, “after this we are doing shots”. No one makes announcements until they are the right age to be a High Court judge.
That’s about it.
Is it just me...
Who is pleased to see Elizabeth Debicki cast as Princess Diana in the last episodes of The Crown, the period when Diana was at her most gaunt and miserable? At first sight, you think Debicki is a good choice because she has thick, blonde, short hair, not unlike Diana’s, and she does the sad and trapped demeanour well (we saw it in The Night Manager), but mainly it’s because she’s properly tall. However apple- cheeked, shy- eyed, mischievous or elegant the many actresses who have played Diana might have been, none has had that long-limbed, towering in heels, tall woman grace. Spot on.
Is it OK to...
Be excited by the possibility that Brooklyn Beckham (above, with his fiancée, Nicola Peltz) might be a contestant on the next Strictly Come Dancing? This would be a coup on a par with getting Posh to compete. Or David. Crucially, Brooklyn appears to be a bit shy, a ladies’ man, the non-athlete of the family and quite concerned with his look. All of this adds up to Strictly gold. He will come out of himself. He’ll be a swivel-hipped sensation in the salsa section. By the end of it, he’ll be as fit as his dad, confident, and quite possibly engaged to Oti.
Read more: Inside the historic Jamaican villa where Madonna is thought to be celebrating her 62nd birthday