Meet the Author: Savannah writer guides people through uncomfortable, necessary conversations

Who hasn’t heard the phrase “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” a few thousand times in their life? It’s a simple adage that makes communicating with others seem as simple as running a thought through a computer program that spits out a slip of paper that either reads “comment is nice—say it” or “comment is mean—keep quiet.”

But what if that “nice” comment doesn’t get the job done? What if the “mean” comment is a stepping stone for much-needed change?

This conundrum is the crux of former Savannah Morning News feature writer and current communication master Mary J. Nestor’s book, “Say it Now! Say it Right!,” which balances the importance of using the right words at the right time, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

Coming from a family that never encouraged questions or criticism, Nestor wasn’t always the easy-breezy communicator she is today. But thanks to a few incredible managers, she built skills and gathered experiences that took her communication skills above and beyond.

The first step was understanding the avoidance. Nestor said the impulse to run from difficult or tender conversations stems from many different emotions, including a reluctance to get involved or concern over hurting someone’s feelings. It also could come from the fear of retaliation, embarrassment, or any other negative emotion that makes keeping quiet seem like the best move. Technology has also made it easier to ignore uncomfortable conversations, further atrophying our communication skills.

Several experiences inspired Nestor’s book, including a marriage encounter, intended to help couples overcome misunderstandings, she attended with her then-husband. But this wasn’t typical couples counseling. This event sank its heels into the factors that influence meaning and create miscommunications.

“I thought it was fascinating how you can say something to someone and they take it totally differently,” Nestor said. “To be successful in communicating or get your message across or come to some kind of agreement, you have to establish that [you] understand each other.”

For some people, thinking through the complexities of meaning might encourage a headache. With a certain approach, it might be. It could be as complex as getting into the weeds of semiotics with Roland Barthes, but “Say it Now! Say it Right!” relies on hypothetical scenarios and personal anecdotes (even a reflection on a 2016 Savannah Morning News story) to remind us that communication isn’t just an industry—it’s part of life.

The three components of effective communication

Another step toward the book was a simple moment on the floor of her cubicle, where she created flip charts for a training program for Savannah River Site. Between the joy she found in her work and fascination with communication, Nestor knew consulting and training were a perfect fit for her.

She also gathered useful stories during her time as a human resources director at Daufuskie Island Resort and Telfair Museums, both of which brought countless stories of employees struggling with their boss or manager but too afraid of confrontation to find resolution. At the same time, many managers also struggled to properly show their appreciation.

So how did she help these folks overcome those barriers? By helping them build effective communication from the ground up.

Communication is broken into three key components: tone, words, and body language. When all three are geared toward helping build others up, you have established a strong base for productive communication.

But Nestor didn’t learn this overnight.

“When I landed my first job as a manager, I thought that I had to be taught really what to do and be the boss and that kind of a thing,” Nestor said. “It wasn't working too well for me.”

Luckily, her manager knew it was important to "say it now and say it right," even if it meant gently telling Nestor people were afraid of her. Having no idea this was the case, Nestor was grateful for a manager who cared enough to have the tough conversation.

“The people who really care about you are the people who will say it in the right way, at the right time, with the right motive to lift you up and help you become the best person that you could be,” Nestor said. “There’s nothing like people who believe in you and really want to see you succeed.”

Nestor adopted a similar approach later on to open a conversation about the absence of extra chairs in a different manager’s office, which made her feel unwelcome when she dropped by.

“It was a little thing. But to me, little things loom large,” Nestor said. “And I thought, ‘Well, you wrote the book. So, what are you gonna do about it?’”

The next time Nestor and her manager met in her office, he asked if there was anything she wanted to discuss. She told him there was, and the moment became her golden ticket to share how she felt about the lack of chairs in his office. Much like Nestor upon her first encounter with someone who knew how to "say it now," the manager was unaware that this made people uncomfortable and soon brought a few new chairs into his office.

But “Say it Now! Say it Right!” doesn’t stop at conversations with others. It also includes the conversations we have with ourselves, the self-talk that allows us to start a journey toward finding our voices.

The book’s second edition emphasizes this with two new chapters focused on self-talk and the importance of creating an environment where all women feel comfortable to Say it Now! in the face of sexual harassment, serving as Nestor’s reminder that communication skills are, “not just for others but for yourself.”

After all, when we all feed that communication machine with thoughts built on strong communication skills and positive self-talk, we receive that elusive third answer: “Say it Now! Say it Right!”

If You Go >>

What: "Say it Now! Say it Right!" Book Signing with author Mary J. Nestor

When: 1 to 4 p.m., June 29

Where: Barnes & Noble, Oglethorpe Mall, 7804 Abercorn Extention #72

Cost: Free and open to the public

This article originally appeared on Savannah Morning News: Savannah writer guides readers throught uncomfortable conversations