How Men Can Have Stronger Friendships, According to a Therapist

It's time to embrace vulnerability and communication

Despite us being in an age of increased gender fluidity and rejection of masculine vs. feminine norms, people still consider a lot of the traits necessary for solid friendships to be stereotypically for women—these being nurturing, caring, compassionate, sharing, talkative etc. Research shows that almost half of all women share their feelings with their friends and count on them for emotional support. That figure drops to slightly less than a third of men.

Strong friendships provide a sense of belonging and purpose, and also reduce stress. They fulfill us mentally, physically, and emotionally. Women have typically been a lot better than men at tapping into that fact.

And we're not just making generalizations about gender here. The "male friendship recession" has been a major point of conversation in numerous news outlets and publications in recent years, as more and more men report having fewer and lower-quality friendships.

“Sisterhood, community, and solidarity are a lot of the reasons why I feel women place emphasis on friendships. Studies have shown that specifically spending time with female friends releases serotonin and oxytocin, and that it reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation,” explains Amber Petrozziello, LMHC, Therapist and Clinical Team Lead at Empower Your Mind Therapy.

“If you research further, you actually find out that women typically have higher oxytocin levels than men, which may be a biological [reason] that women often place emphasis on friendships,” Petrozziello notes.

Should men be taking a closer look at the female friendship handbook? We'd argue yes.

At a Glance

For various reasons rooted in toxic masculinity and avoidance of platonic intimacy, men are not taking advantage of the mental health benefits that strong friendships provide. Strong communication traits are often ascribed to women but are not uniquely feminine. The truth is that fostering strong friendships is as simple as finding someone you have something in common with and letting it grow from there.

Related: 10 Tips for Improving Your Nonverbal Communication

Women, Friendships, and Mental Health

Almost 50% of Americans say that they have only three close friends or even fewer. True friendship, however, is not a popularity contest. The quality of friendships and the ability to openly communicate—not the number of friends you have—is what matters.

“Social connectedness has been studied for ages and we know in general terms that people who have good social connections and relationships tend to be better off in terms of both their mental and physical health,” notes Christopher Hansen, PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Supervisor at Thriveworks.

Hansen continues, “Having these close social relationships and connections allows people to feel more comfortable, supported and heard which can be very healing, beneficial and cathartic,” he adds.

"Accepting our emotions is a uniquely genderless thing to do."

Amber Petrozziello, LMHC

Women generally embody qualities that tend to make them natural communicators. Societally, they're encouraged and supported in making deliberate efforts to foster and grow meaningful friendships. This happens when they let themselves go deep and share vulnerabilities, challenges and successes, and honest stories and intimate reflections about their lives.

That relational aspect carries a strong mental health component. Research confirms what many people in healthy, happy friendships know: that friendships help reduce stress, improve your self-confidence and self-esteem, and can help you deal with trauma or loss in your life. Communication is the glue that bonds friendships. Experts say there is a reason women flourish in this area.

“I believe that women may need more reinforcement than men when it comes to friendships. There is an emotional impermanence to the connectedness and bonding that needs to be refreshed, whereas men seem to hold onto that without the need for conversation or specific bonding,” says Petrozziello.

The advantages are there. The internal ability is present in everyone. So why aren’t more men tapping into it? And is it even necessarily a problem that they aren’t?

Men, Friendships, and Bonding

While women tend to have more close friendships than men, research shows that since the COVID-19 pandemic, those numbers have plummeted even more. In 1990, only 3% of men said they didn’t have any close friends. Now, 15% of men make that claim. What’s more, among single men who are not involved in a romantic relationship, 20% of them say they don’t have any close friends at all.

Further research notes there are a number of reasons, including health issues and employment problems, that men are struggling with a mental health crisis in greater numbers than ever before. Relationships and friendships are also a part of the problem.

"While men have always had intimate relationships, in the past it was not as acceptable to be as overt regarding this aspect because it was perhaps considered effeminate and not ‘manly.’"

Christopher Hansen, PhD

“While men have always had intimate relationships, in the past it was not as acceptable to be as overt regarding this aspect because it was perhaps considered effeminate and not ‘manly.’ While I don't think that's the widespread case today, I do think we have work yet to do in this area,” Hansen says.

Hansen continues, “It has always been more difficult in our society and in many societies for men to seek mental health treatment because of stigma, masculine ego, and cultural norms of the past that considered it a weakness for a man to talk about his problems, let alone seek treatment for mental health concerns.”

The good news is that change is on the horizon. “I think the younger generation has shunned the stigma of males having bonded relationships with other males more than generations past,” notes Hansen.

Takeaway

Part of this societal shift is the broader acceptance of gender fluidity and a decreased concern about what is considered male or female. It's more about doing what feels true to you and what's best for your mental health.

Related: Barbershops Are Helping Black Men Talk About Mental Health

Practical Tips For Men Looking to Strengthen Their Friendships

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, therapist, and relationship expert offered these insights for men (or anyone, really!) trying to improve their friendships and increase platonic intimacy.

Bond Over a Common Experience

Start by identifying a common interest or hobby to bond over—positive shared experiences can make you feel closer and more connected. Inviting a friend to go for a walk, watch a game, or go to a workout class with you is often more effective than just asking someone to coffee. "The activity can physically bond you both, lower defenses, and also serve as a distraction so you can each open up more and be a bit vulnerable," says Romanoff.

Romanoff continues, There is a certain level of physical vulnerability that occurs during an intense workout class. If you were to grab coffee after completing a class together, bonding through the shared experience of overcoming the challenge of the class could help deepen your connection".

Model Openness and Vulnerability

In other words, treat your new or current friends the way you want to be treated.

"The best way we can deepen our relationships is to reveal ourselves and show others that it is safe to do the same. Start small and in a safe way by confiding in your friend about a work conflict you might be having or a dating experience you recently had. By showing your vulnerability and what is troubling you, you give them the chance to help, and understand you better, and in turn they will be more open to sharing their own similar challenges." says Romanoff.

Try a Side-by-Side Activity

Romanoff explains that male relationships tend to thrive in side-by-side activities (eg, the most common cliche of this is watching a football game together). This works because it’s less intense, there is a clear focus for both people to channel their attention and to relate through, and provides a safe buffer from emotions or topics that may feel threatening.

With this in mind, try to plan side-by-side activities with friends, while also intentionally building in moments of face-to-face connection. This could mean going for a run with a friend and then initiating a more meaningful conversation at the end or during the cool-down walk.

These Universal Friendship Qualities Can Promote Mental Health

Open communication is an ability all people possess. It’s stereotypical to say that only those with female attributes foster healthy relationships. It’s also unfair to say that males don’t have relationships where they are fulfilled, even if they have one good friend or a partner they talk to. The key is putting into practice what works for you.

“There are a lot of practical ways these days to foster friendships. Almost daily I recommend people find others they can connect with. There are meet-up groups that address everything from trivia to veterans’ groups and the digital world has opened up more ways to find others with similar interests,” Hansen says.

Finding people you relate to brings a level of satisfaction and contentment that benefits you mentally and emotionally. And that helps improve your mental health.

“Accepting our emotions is a uniquely genderless thing to do. Whether it means to be softer, or to be more vulnerable, being more genuinely and authentically ourselves helps to decrease cognitive dissonance, and increase our levels of happiness,” Petrozziello concludes.

Keep in Mind

Extensive research has shown that friendships, and social connection, are good for your mental health, but men have been struggling in this area recently. Tapping into the communication skills that nurture strong relationships is something that all people can do—regardless of gender—and take advantage of the mental, emotional, and physical benefits they provide.

Read Next: The Impact of Machismo on Mental and Sexual Health in Latinx Communities

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.