Ask L'Oreal: My kid keeps asking to 'help' me — but the mess is stressing out my inner perfectionist
Dear L'Oreal: My kid always wants to "help" (aka spill flour, make a mess of my Pinterest perfection!). Do I have to let him?
I feel you. ’Tis the season for picture-perfect holiday cards with matching outfits, stunning sugar cookies and Pinterest-worthy wrapping paper — except that’s not real life. I hate to burst your bubble, but perfection and parenting do not go together, mama. Never have, never will. I know you worked really hard to find the recipe, get the ingredients and measure everything super-carefully for your company holiday party and now, thanks to your overzealous tot, everything is ruined. I get it.
In a world where nearly everything is out of our control, it’s nice to have something that goes according to plan. But here’s the thing: Your little one just wants to be part of your world. Now, I’m not saying you have to hand over the reins completely and let them deck the halls however they want. But can you find some small way to let them in and help them feel included?
For example, I plan on getting my 2-year-old daughter one of those felt Christmas trees for her to decorate and redecorate as many times as her little heart desires in hopes that she won’t grab ornaments off the real tree and cause the whole thing to come crashing down (fingers crossed!). Of course, she’ll help us trim the big tree as well, but having her own tree gives her some creative independence, and I’ve found in my short time as a mom that there’s nothing a toddler loves more than autonomy (and yogurt pouches, but you catch my drift).
“Involving children in things we have to do around the house — as long as they are safe and suitable for children — helps them develop a sense of responsibility,” explains Caroline Leaf, a neuroscientist, mom of four and author of How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess. “They learn that being a part of a family or community involves contributing to shared responsibilities. Accomplishing tasks, even if they result in a mess initially, can even boost a child's self-esteem. It provides a sense of achievement and shows them that their contributions are valued.”
To start, Leaf suggests simple tasks that increase in complexity as your kid gets older. For toddlers, that could look like engaging them in age-appropriate paper crafts, such as paper snowflakes, or teaching them to sort holiday-related items, such as red and green ornaments.
For elementary-school-aged children, you could teach them how to set the table for holiday meals and involve them in simple baking tasks, like measuring ingredients for cookies or decorating cupcakes. Messes are inevitable, so dress yourself (and your kids) accordingly.
“If a mess does happen, use it as a learning opportunity,” says Leaf. “Help your child understand how to clean up after themselves and emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for their actions.”
Older kids can take on even more hands-on tasks, such as preparing side dishes and helping you decorate. If you want to turn your activity into a teachable moment, you can even show them how to budget for gifts and parties. And if you’re really ready to let go, you can put your kids in charge of decorating the house or preparing the guest room. Just be prepared for it to look nothing like what you would do … and that’s OK.
Instead of getting caught up in how things look, take a moment to reflect on how things feel. Running around trying to make sure your house looks straight out of HGTV will lead to nothing but stress and anxiety. So sure, your kid may have made a mess stirring the cookie batter, but all they care about is getting to spend time with you, and this, my friend, is how moments turn to memories.
“Realistically, not everything will be perfect over the holiday season. Letting go of unrealistic expectations allows for a more relaxed and enjoyable holiday season,” says Leaf. “Realizing that imperfections are a natural part of life helps create a more accepting and forgiving atmosphere — this is a great lesson we can teach our children. It’s OK if the decorations aren’t flawless or if the meal doesn’t turn out exactly as planned. Instead of seeing mistakes or imperfections as failures, we should view them as opportunities for growth and learning.”
All that being said, you can still reserve the right to save the projects you really care about just for you. And if you want to do so while making that cute cocktail or mocktail you saw on TikTok after the kids go to sleep, then be my guest. Just make sure to save one for me too.
About Ask L'Oreal: You can think of me as your personal cheerleader and new mom friend who just happens to love calling up doctors and experts to help guide my answers to your questions. Reach out to me on Instagram or X (Twitter), or email [email protected] with anything you want me to weigh in on.
