Mixed Feelings About Thanksgiving? Experts Show How To Embrace True Joy

There is perhaps no greater magnifying glass for your emotions than the holiday season, when highs feel higher and lows feel, well, lower. Indeed, whether you’re wrestling with regret or reeling from grief, it’s difficult to get through the season of gratitude when you feel anything but. The first thing to know? You’re not alone. Here, mental health experts share how to celebrate Thanksgiving when you’re not feeling grateful—and honor the complex emotions that rear their head this time of year.

Show yourself grace this Thanksgiving

“It’s a hard time of year for many people,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Alyson Stone, PhD. “You may be angry that you have to make this entire meal with no help, or you may be sad because you’re grieving.” Naming your emotions will help you show yourself compassion, she adds. “I’ll say it out loud sometimes: ‘I’m really sad because I’m missing my mom.’ When you express your emotions verbally, it’s like explaining to yourself what you’re feeling so that you can be with your emotions and make sense of them more easily.”

Jot down ingratitudes

You’ve heard it once or twice (or a million!) times that it’s a good idea to write down a gratitude list. That’s because research proves when we focus on positive emotions, they expand, filling us with joy and a sense of peace. But when we’re experiencing difficult emotions, it helps to jot down an ingratitude list, says grief expert Jan Warner, author of Grief Day By Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Loss. 

“In our culture, we’re told to follow our bliss, but I say follow your authenticity. For example, I’m not grateful my husband is dead,” she says, adding that writing down things you’re not thankful for offers an important counterbalance to gratitude, so that by comparison, what you're truly thankful for stands out in stark relief.

Take solace in something bigger

“It’s a tough time we’re living through—the stress and strife we’re all experiencing give us so many reasons to be troubled,” says pastor Max Lucado, author of Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World. “And the holidays are especially challenging, because we’re showing up to the table with so much emotional baggage.”

Yet we can all feel more hopeful by leaning on something bigger than ourselves. “One of the most underlined verses of the Bible is: ‘Be anxious for nothing…with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,’” says Lucado. In other words, consider whispering your fears, and letting them rest on the shoulders of a higher power. “Worry will not share the heart with gratitude—just letting your intention be known that you want to feel more positive will help anxiety pack its bags,” he adds.

Make a simple plan

If you're comfortable opening up to your family, “You might say, ‘I thought I could make it for Thanksgiving dinner, but it’s just too emotional for me this year—hopefully, I can come next year,’” says Warner. “I learned a long time ago to ask myself, ‘What didn’t I say that I wanted to because I was afraid of how others would respond?’ Most of the time, when I share something authentically, I get a good response.”

Discover genuine ways to embrace joy

Before we can savor true gratitude with an open heart, we must first learn what makes it so special in the pantheon of positive emotions. “There are vast benefits of gratitude, from increasing our happiness levels to improving immune function to deepening sleep—it can even make it easier to eat healthier and save for retirement,” reveals cognitive scientist and professor of psychology at Yale University, Laurie Santos, PhD. That’s because gratitude boosts our ability to think through long-term consequences and problem solve. Says Santos, “Just reminding yourself that it’s as important as the other healthy habits you build into your day for physical and mental health can be a powerful start.”

Indeed, there are ways to celebrate and acknowledge the holiday that don’t force faux gratitude, promises psychotherapist Megan Devine, author of It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. “It’s far more helpful to find gratitude for things that help us survive, that give us even a bit of comfort,” she says. “There are so many things in this life to be thankful for. For example, I’m so glad for the off button on my phone. Thank you, technology, for creating this bubble of peace and silence around me. And I’m thankful for the birds outside my window for bringing me company and beauty today.”

Find comfort in new rituals

Because Thanksgiving and tradition are nearly synonymous, the ritualized nature of the holiday can be especially hard when we’re reeling from loss. “When my mom died several years ago, we placed a butterfly on the centerpiece just as a way to remember her,” recalls Stone. She adds that there is so much healing power in ritual—especially when we decide what’s most meaningful for us.

Let yourself exhale

No matter what you’re feeling this holiday, try not to underestimate the value of small pleasures. “I love flowers, for example, but I used to tell myself it was an unnecessary splurge,” says Stone. “Now, I say if you love flowers and you can afford it once in a while, buy the bouquet! Going for a walk, taking a bath—treats like this around the holidays are a form of self-care that we all need, so don’t deprive yourself.”

More easy ways to reap the benefits of gratitude:

How to Start a Gratitude Journal

Feeling Helpless and Alone? Here’s How to Open Your Heart to Gratitude

The ‘Three Good Things’ Approach Is The Simple Balm You Need If You’re Burned Out