On TikTok, the 'my husband is an adult toddler' trope is a riot. Experts call it 'insidious' and 'harmful.'
"Men are capable caregivers and pretending that they're not is harming us all," says one expert.
You've seen the videos. A woman's husband won't eat the dinner she made so she presents him with nachos while he's curled up on the couch. There are the dads who can't find anything in the house even when it's right under their nose, can't dress their kids without looking like they did it themselves, pack three onesies and zero diapers for a week-long trip and just generally exude ... incompetence. There are the moms who complain that their "hardest kid" is "my mother-in-law's" — a.k.a. their husband.
For some, these TikToks are good for a laugh. For others, the "my husband is an adult toddler" trope reinforces problematic stereotypes about gender roles and disparity within domestic labor.
“It's an excuse. Men are capable caregivers and pretending that they're not is harming us all," says Laura Danger, an educator and advocate who breaks down adult toddler content and weaponized incompetence on her That Darn Chat account, which boasts more than 488,000 followers on TikTok.
The Chicago-based Danger offers workshops, consultations and coaching to help couples implement the "fair play"method, which is a way to communicate about domestic labor and truly share the mental load of parenting. The issue with these TikTok videos and other content that pretends men aren't capable of caregiving, she argues, is that they normalize women in heterosexual partnerships bearing the brunt of the mental and physical labor at home.
“These jokes are insidious," she tells Yahoo Life. "On the surface, they're ‘funny’ because they're relatable. But when you look at them for what they are, they're serving up an all-too-common, harmful dynamic and expecting us to laugh. The punchline is usually that one partner doesn't know or care about the important details of their family's life. Where's the joke?”
Erin Dierickx, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate who provides couples therapy through Erin D Therapy in Seattle, also fails to see the funny side of these videos.
“Viewing our partners, let alone expressing to them or others that they are like ‘another one of my children’ can absolutely be harmful, to the partner and to the relationship," she tells Yahoo Life.
Dierickx cites the research of John and Julie Gottman, married researchers and clinical psychologists who specialized in divorce prediction. The Gottmans pinpointed four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce. "Adult toddler" videos, Dierickx notes, are laced with at least two of what the Gottmans refer to as the “four horsemen”: criticism and contempt.
“Both are harmful to a relationship, with contempt being the most significant indicator of divorce within five years,” Dierickx explains. "Contempt sends the message to our partners that we are better than them in some way. In this particular example it sends the message that ‘I am more mature and capable than you.’”
In addition to making the partner on the receiving end feel small and incapable, it also clouds the true depth of the needs of the partner hiding behind jokes.
“Underneath comments, sarcasm and jokes like these, there is a wish or need that is desperate to be communicated,” Dierickx tells Yahoo Life.
Rather than mocking a domestic issue on TikTok, Dierickx suggests that frustrated partners express their needs clearly.
“The need might be for the partner to take over more of the parental duties, such as picking the kids up from school, making dinner or helping with the bedtime routine," she notes. "This could be worded as ‘I need you to pick up the kids Monday and Friday this week, it would really help me out.’ That is a lot different than something like "I'm constantly picking up the slack around here, you don't do anything!" By sharing this need, it provides a very specific way in which the partner can help, which sets them up for success in meeting that need.”
However, as a mother and a wife herself, Danger saw firsthand how sometimes even positive, open conversations cannot alleviate these struggles when partners are unwilling to take on their fair share of household responsibilities.
“When I became a mother, I was surprised by how much pressure was put on me to prioritize everyone else's needs above my own," she says. She points to the responses she's heard from other moms as to why they don't ask for help. "It's more work to ask for help." "I'm tired of making lists, then being told I'm a nag if I follow up." "I just want my partner to look around and notice what needs to be done." "Sometimes it's more work to leave instructions so I can go out, so I just stay home.”
As a result of this dynamic and these types of "adult toddler" videos, men are seen as incompetent, and women are left with even uglier stereotypes — and much of the responsibility.
“When we normalize the tropes of women as nags, ‘the boss’ at home or always martyring themselves while men bungle the simplest household tasks, we are led to believe that it's normal or OK," Danger says. "It's not! While it may be common in many heterosexual households to see imbalance, it's not OK.”
While a video may seem like good, relatable fun in the moment, it builds negative stereotypes and weakens relationships.
“It's not funny to have one partner drowning in the necessary labor of running a household while their partner stands by like a child waiting for their chore list for the weekend," Danger adds. "Active partnership is about both partners feeling empowered within and outside of the home. Pretending men are incapable of caregiving is insulting to men and robs women of their time and energy.”
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