When Is National Coming Out Day 2023, and What Does It Mean for Members of the LGBTQ+ Community?
Every October, there is a day we celebrate known as "National Coming Out Day," but not everyone knows the significance of the celebration, or what it actually means to LGBTQ+ individuals.
Personally, the meaning of this day has constantly evolved over the years. In 2005, this day meant I was finally able to be me and free to love who I wanted without fear of being outed or caught, as I had made the decision to come out earlier that year. In 2015, the Supreme Court made a ruling that said the woman I had a commitment ceremony with years before could now be viewed as my legal wife. This was something I never anticipated happening in my lifetime.
In 2016, I had a new perspective on this day. I was now a mother and I remember looking at my four-month-old daughter with tears streaming down my face on National Coming Out Day because this was the life I built. And it all started with whispering the words “I’m gay” until I had the confidence to shout it from the rooftops and live my life openly.
Truthfully, coming out never ends. There will always be new coworkers, teachers and friends that you tell, while in the back of your mind you wonder if this “news” will change their opinion of you. It shouldn’t—and it more than likely won’t—but it does serve as a reminder of why we recognize this day every year. Awareness is necessary. Acknowledgment is fundamental. Representation matters. No matter where you’re at in your journey, this day matters. Be thankful for those who blazed a trail before us and use your light as a beacon for all those still to come.
What Is National Coming Out Day?
National Coming Out Day is meant to be a celebration of individuals within the LGBTQ+ community who openly identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, queer, asexual, intersex or exist anywhere on the queer spectrum.
When Is National Coming Out Day 2023?
This year, National Coming Out Day is Wednesday, October 11, 2023.
When Was National Coming Out Day First Celebrated?
National Coming Out Day was celebrated for the first time in 1988 on the anniversary of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay rights, which took place in Washington, D.C. on October 11, 1987.
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Personal Coming Out Stories
Coming out is different for everyone and no two stories are alike. For that reason, we asked members of the LGBTQ+ community to share their stories.
"I was so young and there weren’t a lot of examples of how it worked… Ellen wasn’t even out yet. For me… I was fortunate enough that everyone I came out to was receptive and loving. I started coming out when I was in high school. I think for me, it meant starting to 'fess up' to something that I thought I was in trouble for. I don’t know if I always felt like I was lying, if I was afraid I would disappoint people or they would reject me. It’s hard to sort those things out as an adult and I certainly wasn’t capable as a teen. I think it was the first part of figuring out who I can show myself to and who maybe isn’t the right fit for me. I kind of feel like I’m still always coming out, if that makes sense."
-Sara S.
"Coming out was very personal for me—I actually came out a few different times due to being female-to-male transgender. I dated women in the beginning at age 15 and that gradually shifted to realizing I was and have always been attracted to men, and came out as gay in my 30s. It took me a really long time to accept that part of myself because I was afraid people wouldn’t understand it. The fact that sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely different things is what I worried they wouldn’t get. For me, coming out meant that I could finally stop hiding in the dark with my inner demons. That I could be my authentic self, find my light, and stay true to who I was growing into. It meant that I understood, accepted and valued myself enough to live freely—no regrets, no shame. It meant I could be happier in my life, being my awkward, weirdo self as I come and no longer worrying about what everyone else had to say about MY life. It meant taking ownership of who I was. Standing tall and proud and being able to actually look at myself in the mirror knowing I was living an honest life—wide open for the world to see. Loud, clear, and queer. It meant being a role model for peers by being able to share my story so openly and giving others hope when they were struggling with finding their own identity. Coming out helped me find my voice when I spoke in whispers in my past life. It meant that I was heading towards better days and that I could try to figure out how to find happiness within after finally learning to accept and love myself. Knowing that If I could do one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life not knowing who was going to stick by my side when I told my truth or what family would disown me… that as long as I stayed true to myself then I’ll forever be untouchable in a place within that no one can tame."
-Kristopher S.
"Coming out in my mid-thirties was one of the most courageous and hard things I’ve ever done. It allowed me to be free. For one of the first times in my entire life, I trusted myself and my knowing above anything else. I gave myself permission to be who I am independent of who the world expected me to be. It was an act of radical self-love."
-Ashley Z.
"I can still remember the overwhelming anxiety I had before I told my parents. While my parents are polar opposites, they were traditional Mexican Catholics and the thought of speaking my truth made my feet heavy, palms sweaty and a significant need to take a bird bath in holy water. My dad didn’t live close so I had to tell him over the phone. I remember calling him and being especially chatty about things I would not normally spend much time on. Finally, I took a deep breath and said, “Dad, uhh, I, I am gay.” While I expected crickets on the other end of the phone, I instead got a series of follow-up questions. “ Are you hurting anyone?” “No.” “Is anyone hurting you?” “Uh no.” “Are you happy?” “Yes I am” “Well, ok then, just live your life for you and no one else.” Working up the courage to tell my mother was proving to be difficult but one day I felt inspired—could have been the sunshine, could have been the butterflies of a new relationship, either way I was ripping the Band-Aid off. It went about as well as I thought it would. There were tears, questions and finally silence for an extended period of time, roughly about six months. During what I like to refer to as a sabbatical from our mother-daughter relationship, I embraced the openness of my new life, I no longer looked over my shoulder or kissed in the shadows. Being comfortable with who I was and acknowledging my truth was the fuel my soul needed to keep being me and making sure I was unapologetic about it."
-Kyle G.
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What would you tell your younger self about life now?
"I would tell my younger self not to be afraid to be different. Don’t put yourself in a box because you won’t fit in it no matter how hard you try. Embrace your weirdness because being yourself is the new sexy. Fall in love with yourself first and foremost so that you can learn what you’re truly worthy and deserving of."
-Kristopher S.
"It’s okay to not do things in the traditional way. I would have told her the reason you feel different and super anxious in relationships isn’t because something is wrong with you. Your timeline looks different, but it’s not too late. Most importantly, I would have told her you don’t have to people-please your way through life. Some people will accept you, some won’t, and that’s okay too. Stay open to the possibilities."
-Ashley Z.
"No one is thinking about you or what you’re going through as much as you are… so get out of your head and live your life. You’ll find your people."
-Sara S.
Advice on How To Come Out as Gay or Queer
So you want to come out, but don't know where to start?
There are not many absolutes that can be said about coming out but there are a few. First things first, there is no right way to come out; everyone's experiences and journeys are different. Secondly, never come out for anyone but yourself. This is about you, your feelings and your authentic self.
As far as resources go, the courage of those who came out before us paved the way for many wonderful organizations to provide support and love during your journey. The Trevor Project has an in-depth handbook exploring what coming out might mean to you, while providing you with tools and answering some common questions. The Human Rights Campaign also has resources to help you live openly.
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Ways To Be an Ally
Being an ally starts with being authentic, thoughtful and inclusive with your LGBTQ+ friends and family. GLAAD (the world's largest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer media advocacy organization) and the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) both offer resources and ways to be an ally. This really just starts with listening and being open-minded.
One of the important points that HRC makes in their Coming Out Ally Resource is about viewing your friend's admission not just as a "coming out," but as an "inviting in." They write, "When publicly identifying as LGBTQ, someone is inviting people into a part of their life, which should be protected and celebrated. We ask you to think about the perspective of 'inviting in,' and consider also using language about being invited in to learn about someone’s identity."
Next up, 50 LGBTQIA+ Quotes to Encourage Equality and Remind Us All that Love Is Love
