Negging: The popular flirting technique that hinges on emotional manipulation

"You look good for your age." "You look way better than your Instagram pictures."

Comments like these may seem like cheeky banter or playful teasing, but experts say this flirting method isn't as harmless as it seems. It's called negging: The viral dating strategy when someone "deliberately insults you and undermines you as a form of flirting," according to Ali Jackson, a dating and relationship coach.

It was first popularized by pick-up artists in the early 2000s but gained recent attention on TikTok, where mostly women have been sharing their Tinder horror stories with men who make these confusing advances. The hashtag #negging currently has over 2.9 million views on the platform.

"It's a form of emotional manipulation disguised as a backhanded compliment or 'constructive' criticism," says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, a licensed clinical psychologist. "It's meant to leave you questioning if you were insulted or complimented, and it disarms the person to being seduced."

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What is negging?

Both men and women can neg. Negging may include providing backhanded compliments ("You're actually smart") or comparing their partner to others ("You're not like other girls"). They may even dish out insults under the guise of "constructive criticism" ("You'd look so much better if you lost five pounds").

Overall, the goal is to break down a love interest's confidence so they depend on the manipulator's approval.

"There's this narrative we imprint on kids that when you like someone, you tease them," Jackson says. "And that is so toxic, because it fuels us to accept bad behavior because we’re taught its a good thing."

But contrary to popular belief, negging isn't typically intentionally malicious, according to Jackson. Often times, it stems from insecurity.

"Most people are doing it in a more subconscious way," she says. "I don't think people are like, 'I'm going to do this so she thinks she has to prove herself to me.' It's just reinforced by society that manipulation works, especially since women are more predisposed to being people pleasers."

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Regardless of intentionality, negging can still be damaging to one's self-esteem and translate into long-lasting mental health problems like anxiety, body dysmorphia and even depression.

"It can really take a toll on you, because if you already feel somewhat insecure, then these kinds of comments feed into the idea that there's something wrong with you," Lira de la Rosa says. "It makes people view themselves as less worthy, where they don't feel good about themselves and can't do the things they enjoy."

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No one should tolerate any form of condescension or deprecation that leaves them feeling unworthy, Jackson says, because "flirting should be an entirely positive experience."

"You don't need to bring anything negative into the situation for something to be flirting," Jackson adds. "Nothing has to be bad in order for it to be good. So when you're flirting, you can just give a compliment or say, it's so cute when u do XYZ' without bringing down something else."

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is negging? The popular flirting technique has a dark side