This One Common Habit Is Actually Holding You Back, According to a Psychologist—Here's Why

Beth Ann Mayer

Tue, November 5, 2024 at 10:10 PM UTC

7 min read

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You may feel like you're in this constant cycle of setting goals, not achieving them and getting frustrated. Or, you may not set or go after goals in the first place—they can certainly be scary and leave you vulnerable to failure, which can have a negative connotation.

However, not working toward something or feeling like you aren't reaching your fullest potential can be deflating and can do a number on your confidence. If you chronically feel like anything but the best version of yourself, it might be time to look at your habits.

Some habits and routines can support us as we go after goals, like a good night's rest, nourishing foods, regular connection with loved ones and stress management tools like journaling. Other habits can have the opposite effect, acting as hurdles between us and something we want to achieve.

A psychologist has noticed that patients who feel "stuck" often partake in one specific habit. He shares the common habit that could be holding you back, and how to break it for good.

The Common Habit That's Holding You Back

"Telling ourselves 'scary stories' is a habit that can really hold us back," says Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "These stories can prevent us from trying new things or even reattempting things a second or third time."

These stories are not of the Are You Afraid of the Dark? variety. For instance, Dr. Kain recalls working with a client who grew up in a small town and dreamed of moving to New York.

"But they wrote the most unbelievably frightening stories about what it would be like to go there," Dr. Kain shares. "To them, however, the stories were believable. So many amazing experiences waited for them in New York that were just out of reach because of the scary things they told themself."

This client isn't alone, and neither are you if you constantly default to the worse-than-worst-case scenarios.

"Most of us can think of at least one thing we could be doing if we weren’t scared to try it," Dr. Kain says. "Funny enough, our brains are hardwired to create scary stories."

These stories can have protective benefits.

"Planning for something scary can help us be more prepared should it happen—think about locating the emergency exits in a theater before the show starts," Dr. Kain says.

But an issue arises if you stop going to the theater (or any other cherished place) because you're sure you'll need the emergency exits.

Why This Can Become Harmful

Dr. Kain says the human brain can struggle to separate fact from fiction.

"If we imagine something happening, we physically and emotionally experience it as though it were real—even when we rationally know it’s not," Dr. Kain explains. "That’s why a jump-scare in a horror film is so effective. We know the movie isn’t real, but the unexpected appearance of something scary still causes our bodies to respond with fear."

Imagine yourself telling a story about how your crush will reject you when you ask them out or how a potential employer who requested an interview will not hire you.

"We actually experience all the feelings associated with rejection, which certainly don’t feel good," Dr. Kain says. "I definitely don’t want to feel embarrassment, hurt or confusion, so I’ll avoid re-creating those feelings in real life, which means I won’t do anything that risks my being rejected."

It's not the healthiest pattern to develop and can prevent us from creating habits that boost our well-being instead.

"For example, I’ve worked with plenty of clients who need to go to the gym but haven’t," Dr. Kain says. "They are well aware of how beneficial it will be for them physically and emotionally, but when they imagine going to the gym, the story they tell themselves is that everyone in the gym will be looking at them, that everyone will be judging them and that most people at the gym will act meanly toward them."

The story plays on repeat.

"When it’s time to get ready to go to the gym, all of these familiar negative feelings flood back and they can’t get out the door," Dr. Kain says.

How To Break the Habit and Reach Your Potential

1. Label it to disable it

Dr. Kain says therapists call the process of writing scary stories "catastrophizing."

"When we’re lost in catastrophic thinking, we’re in a trance where everything looks bleak," Dr. Kain explains.

The whole thing can feel like an emotional spiral—because it is.

"When we’re caught up in our scary stories, we quickly become overwhelmed by strong emotions like fear, anxiety, embarrassment and shame," Dr. Kain says. "All these feelings come from the more primitive parts of our brain, our limbic area."

The first step to stopping the spiral is labeling what's happening.

"Labeling requires us to use a different, more advanced part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex," Dr. Kain explains. "If we label our stories, we move them from the emotional part of our brain to the part of our brain that can reason."

Try, "Wow, you’re catastrophizing again." Dr. Kain says you'll start recognizing what you're doing, opening the door to reconsidering.

"Now, we can reason with ourselves," Dr. Kain continues. "We can ask ourselves, 'Do I really want to continue to catastrophize?'"

2. Recognize you’re the author of the story

Remember, you're the author and lead character in your life's story.

"When we’re in the middle of a scary story, it can feel so real that we forget we’re the one writing it," Dr. Kain says. "We believe its source is outside of us, not within us. It’s like we’re reading a story someone else wrote and we become absorbed in all of its details."

That idea is a work of fiction, though.

"When we remind ourselves that we're not the reader, we're the author, we can see how we’re not the scary story, but the one creating it, and in doing so, we can detach ourselves from it," Dr. Kain explains. "This is a version of the mindfulness practice of recognizing we are the observer of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves."

3. Make revisions

You're also the editor of your story.

"Sometimes, I’ll ask a client to rewrite their scary story so it has a different outcome," Dr. Kain shares. "The client who is afraid to ask someone out for fear of rejection revises the story so that whomever they’re asking says, 'Yes.'"

This story feels so much better than the scary one. There's a catch, though.

"We may have to make revisions over and over again until we land on a story with an ending we like," Dr. Kain says. "One approach to this is to actually put the story down on paper or the notes app of your phone and physically make the revisions."

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4. Remember, most scary stories don’t come true

"Perspective is everything," Dr. Kain says.

So is experience. Think about it: How many worst-case scenarios really came to fruition?

"When we reflect on the scary stories we told ourselves over the course of our lives, we realize most scary stories never came true," Dr. Kain explains. "Things just weren’t as bad as we imagined, or, if they were as bad as we imagined, we were much better equipped to deal with them than we thought we would be."

Dr. Kain recommends reminding yourself of this simple fact the next time you tell a scary story. You'll be more likely to grab the next opportunity.

"One of the best things I was ever told was that I'd stop being scared when I stopped telling myself scary stories," he says. "I only wish I had heard it earlier in my life. Knowing would have prevented so many fear-filled times and so many missed opportunities, so I try to share this with clients whenever I can."

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Source

Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist

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