The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
Mother with her adult daughter hugging and smiling
A parent’s love for their child never changes, no matter how old they get. However, that doesn’t mean that as your child grows up, your relationship won’t evolve over the years. Sometimes, it will be in a positive way and you’ll end up becoming best friends, like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Other times, you’ll end up having a more complex and distant relationship with your child when they’re an adult.
If your relationship with your son or daughter happens to fall under the latter category, you’re not the only one. Lots of moms and dads find themselves struggling to connect with their kids as time passes by. The good news is, experts say that just because your bond isn’t currently super tight, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.
In fact, psychologists Thai Alonso and Anna VanMeter tell Parade there are things you can do to repair your relationship if you’re willing to put in the effort. Find out what they are, as well as the one simple step they say you can take if you want a better relationship with your adult children, below.
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How Do I Fix My Relationship With My Adult Children?
Mending any broken relationship isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible either. “There can be many reasons why a relationship between parents and their adult children suffer,” Alonso explains. But VanMeter says it can be fixed. “If a parent and an adult child’s relationship is not as strong as it once was, it is possible to repair the relationship and make it stronger over time,” she reveals. “For this to be possible, both the parent and the adult child will need to put in work. Both parties will need to be open, non-defensive, respectful of boundaries and take accountability for their part in the relationship.”
What Do Adult Children Need from Parents?
Instead of thinking of your son or daughter as “your kids,” VanMeter suggests that you try to change your mindset and think of them as your friends. “In some ways, a healthy relationship between a parent and their adult child might look more like a friendship between two adults, rather than a parent-child relationship,” she says.
Once you start envisioning them that way, it may make all the difference in how you treat them and talk to them, thus strengthening your connection with one another. “Sometimes that’s all that’s needed along with things, like mutual respect, love and support,” she adds.
Related: 14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered
The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Children
Like most relationships, communication is key. That’s why both Alonso and VanMeter agree that it’s the number one thing you must improve to better your relationship with your adult children.
“It is important for all parties to have open communication about what would be helpful in establishing a healthy relationship,” Alonso shares. “Try to listen without judgment or defensiveness, and work to get to know your child for who they are now.”
You can start by finding ways to let them know that you miss the connection you used to have and want your bond to grow. However, VanMeter says the style and tone of your communication when you do so is crucial. “Instead of saying something like, ‘You used to be so sweet and now you've forgotten all about me!’ Try saying something like, ‘I miss you and am looking forward to seeing you!’” she suggests. “This message is a great example you can follow because it does not make them feel guilty or make a demand. It simply and freely communicates affection.”
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8 Other Tips for Having a Healthy Relationship With Adult Children
To ensure you and your adult children communicate better, Alonso and VanMeter put together a list of some things that often drive a parent and child apart that you can try to improve on. Making changes in the way you go about these things will greatly improve your communication, which will impact your relationship in a positive way.
1. Listen
“When your children speak, actually listen to them and show some curiosity in their interests and values,” Alonso advises. “It’s such a relief for them to know that there is a person they can turn to in times that are emotionally overwhelming. Not only is it helpful in that moment, but it is something that creates a sense of safety and calmness within them, even if you are apart.”
VanMeter adds, “Having the willingness to listen empathically and without judgment helps to build trust and openness within your relationship.”
2. Respect Them
Remember that your child is their own person, which means they may not do everything the way you would in certain situations. “You may not understand their choices and it's ok to acknowledge it, however, a supportive way of doing so is by saying something like, ‘I may not understand your choice, but I will always love you and respect your choices,’” Alonso recommends.
Related: The One Thing You Should Never, Ever Say if Your Adult Child Is Struggling With Addiction
3. Make an Effort To See Each Other
“Another potential reason parent and adult children relationships suffer is because of physical distance,” VanMeter explains. “If parents and their adult children no longer live near one another, it becomes more important to take the responsibility to maintain regular communication in order to sustain the relationship.”
You can do this by calling more, texting, planning meetups and even discussing visiting them or them visiting you.
4. Express Unconditional Love
“It’s still important to show love and affection in your relationship, though this might be expressed differently now than when they were children,” VanMeter indicates.
Alonso adds, “It’s important because feeling accepted and approved of by you helps your adult children build resilience in a world that's full of rejection.”
5. Don’t Baby Them
VanMeter expresses that adult children often become frustrated when they feel as though parents are trying to make decisions for them, or when they are critical of the decisions they make for themselves. Because of this, it’s important that parents of adult children back off and don’t interfere unless they are asked to.
6. Take Responsibility For Your Wrongs
“Acknowledge when your behaviors have been hurtful,” Alonso advises. “Perhaps you had good intentions and you didn’t mean to be hurtful, but your actions were received that way. Stating that it was not your intention, apologizing for the impact of your actions, and making changes to ensure it does not happen again will make a big impact."
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7. Don’t Constantly Give Them Advice
“If your child asks for advice you can give your opinion, but let them know that you will support whatever decision they make,” VanMeter says. “If they do not ask for advice, do not offer it. Remember that respect and support are the hallmarks of all healthy relationships.”
8. Agree to Disagree
“Remember that it is OK for your child to have a different opinion from you,” says Alonso. After all, you most likely taught them the importance of forming their own opinion, so now that they are grown up and have one, don’t make them feel bad for it.