The One Thing You Should Never, Ever Say to Someone Who Has Just Been Diagnosed With Cancer
Doctor holding hands of cancer patient
They’re the three words no one wants to hear from a loved one: “I have cancer.” Hearing this proclamation from someone you care about is always shocking and unexpected. It’s natural to be caught off guard and not know what to say. Maybe your first instinct is to reassure your loved one that they’ll be okay, something you both need to believe is true. Or maybe you go into problem-solving mode, recommending a special diet or supplement you heard worked for someone else with cancer.
How can you actually show your support? Here, four cancer therapists who regularly support people who have been diagnosed, share what’s helpful to say and what’s not.
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What Not To Say to Someone Newly Diagnosed With Cancer
When a friend or loved one shares the news with you that they have cancer, psychotherapist Brittany Pinto, LCSW, says there’s one phrase, in particular, to avoid replying with: “Everything happens for a reason.”
In general, she says it’s best to avoid saying anything cliche because it can come across as dismissive. “Cancer is a complex experience, and oversimplifying it can be unhelpful,” Pinto explains.
Dr. Lisa Stewart, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, also says that saying "everything happens for a reason" can be particularly unhelpful. “While meaning and purpose can be found in the midst of suffering, this phrase assumes a set of beliefs that not everyone shares,” she says. “A cancer diagnosis can shatter a person’s worldview, and many people struggle to reconcile their illness with their beliefs about religion, justice or morality. This phrase oversimplifies your loved one’s experience, implies having cancer is justified, and invalidates the fear and uncertainty that follows a cancer diagnosis.”
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Related to this, Crystal C. Joseph, LCPC, LPC, ACS, the clinical executive officer at Psych Your Mind, says to resist saying “God doesn’t give you anything more than you can bear” or “This too shall pass.”
“These comments historically make someone feel they are inadequate, have ignored prayers by their higher power, or are plagued with a disease that was somehow given to them. It can cause anger toward the higher power or those who say these comments,” she explains.
Pinto says it’s also best to avoid trying to downplay their diagnosis with phrases such as “it could be worse” and to avoid sharing stories about other people you know who have (or had) cancer—whether their prognosis was better or worse than your newly diagnosed friend. “Everyone is different, and these stories may not be helpful,” Pinto says.
Dr. Emily A. Meier, PhD, an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UC San Diego School of Medicine and the Co-Director for Psycho-Oncology Training and Education at UC San Diego Moores Cancer Center, says to resist telling people with cancer that they should “think positive” or to reassure them that they will be fine. “In many ways, this invalidates the emotional experience for the person diagnosed with cancer,” she says.
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What To Say—and Do—Instead
All four experts emphasize that every cancer experience is different, so when talking with a friend with cancer, it’s best to speak to their individual experience instead of offering up a canned statement. Dr. Stewart says something helpful to emphasize is that you will be there for them, no matter what. Of course, it’s important to back this up so it’s not just empty words.
Instead of telling your loved one to let you know if you can help (which is vague), she says to offer help in specific ways, such as driving them to appointments, organizing a meal train or helping watch their kids. “Ask open-ended questions such as ‘What errands can I take off your plate this week?’ or ‘How do you need to be supported right now?’" she suggests.
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Pinto says telling your loved one that you’re sorry they are going through this is also something helpful to say. If you are a spiritual or religious person, she says you can offer to pray for your loved one. Again, these statements are most impactful when paired with taking action, helping with specific tasks you know will make your loved one’s life easier.
It can be difficult to know how often to ask a loved one about their cancer and how they’re doing. Maybe you worry that asking them will make them feel depressed or you won’t know how to respond if they don’t have any encouraging news. Joseph recommends letting the person with cancer lead the discussion, waiting for them to bring it up.
Pinto agrees, saying, “Respect their cues: If the person hasn't brought it up, it might be best to follow their lead. However, if they've shared the information or seem open to discussion, expressing concern and asking how they're doing is appropriate.” When you do talk about it, Pinto says it’s important to choose the right setting. “A private, comfortable and intimate environment can make it easier for someone to discuss their diagnosis,” she says.
In addition to offering specific ways to be helpful, Dr. Stewart and Pinto both say that simply spending time with them and listening to them can go a long way. “Being supportive also means continuing to celebrate who your loved one is as a person not as a person diagnosed with cancer,” Dr. Meier adds. “The diagnosis and treatment of cancer is a marathon, not a sprint. That means that your loved one may continue to have some level of surveillance and treatment throughout their lifetime. Being compassionate and understanding that completion of treatment does not equate to feeling emotionally better or a return to life prior to a cancer diagnosis is very helpful.”
When it comes to supporting someone with cancer, what all of this advice comes down to is speaking (and acting) from the heart. Everyone’s cancer experience is different and honoring their personal journey with specific responses and actions related to your loved one will show how much you care.
Next up, check out this guide for caregivers who are emotionally and supporting someone with cancer.
Sources
Dr. Emily A. Meier, PhD, licensed psychologist, Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UC San Diego School of Medicine and the Co-Director for Psycho-Oncology Training and Education at UC San Diego Moores Cancer Center
Brittany Pinto, LCSW, psychotherapist and clinical coordinator of Boutique Psychotherapy
Dr. Lisa Stewart, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill
Crystal C. Joseph, LCPC, LPC, ACS, the clinical executive officer at Psych Your Mind
