Oprah Explains Why She and Stedman Skipped Marriage for a “Spiritual Partnership”
Lots of people make a big deal about Valentine’s Day. I don’t—and haven’t since I was a young contestant in the Miss Black America Pageant (I was Miss Black Tennessee). Many of the other girls were receiving flowers and gifts from their beaux. My boyfriend at the time, Bubba—yes, real name—sent me nothing. I felt bad about that and complained to another contestant. She laid this wisdom on me: “Girl, if your man has put a flower on your mind, you won’t need no flowers in a vase!”
Fast-forward more than a decade, to 1986. I had seen a particular man around town, but he was always with the same girlfriend, so I didn’t pay much attention. One day, though, we were both visiting a mutual friend who was ill and later died of AIDS. The guy with the girlfriend had come to the friend’s home alone, and so had I. We left together, and I asked if he wanted to get a beer. (Yes, I drank a lot of beer then and wore cowboy boots every day.) He said he didn’t drink. (Still doesn’t—not one sip of nothin’ alcoholic since I’ve known him.)
I thought he was nice enough, but I wasn’t that impressed. He was polite, yes, and kind. The sort of guy who sits with an ailing friend. Tall and handsome, for sure. But actually too handsome, I thought, to be interested in me.
I figured he must be a player. So did all my producers. They warned me not to get involved with that Stedman guy.
Aside from his appearance, they knew nothing about him. But anybody that good-looking driving a vintage Mercedes merited suspicion.
So I proceeded with caution, even with a friendship. It wasn’t until months later, when I learned he’d broken up with his girlfriend and had been inquiring about my dating status, that I gave him a serious thought.
Anyone who’s ever met him is always amazed by what a genuine gentleman he is. He’s so positive. Wants the best for me and everyone he knows. Truly wishes people well. Doesn’t curse. (I’ve been known to.) Never have I heard him gossip or say a negative thing about anyone. (I have, plenty of times.)
He’s appropriately named because he’s steady as a mountain. Even-tempered, accountable, trustworthy, patient.
For years, there were hundred of tabloid stories, weekly, on whether we would marry. In 1993, the moment after I said yes to his proposal, I had doubts. I realized I didn’t actually want a marriage. I wanted to be asked. I wanted to know he felt I was worthy of being his missus, but I didn’t want the sacrifices, the compromises, the day-in-day-out commitment required to make a marriage work. My life with the show was my priority, and we both knew it.
He and I agree that had we tied the marital knot, we would not still be together.
Our relationship works because he created an identity beyond being “Oprah's man” (he teaches Identity Leadership around the world and has written multiple books on the subject). And because we share all the values that matter (integrity being number one). And because we relish seeing the other fulfill and manifest their destiny and purpose.
It’s what Gary Zukav defines as a spiritual partnership: partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.
I know for sure it’s the ultimate flower on my mind.
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