These parents tried to get their kids off social media. Here's how it went.

Social media is ubiquitous and the temptation to use it is strong, even for kids and teens. Some parents may give in to their child’s pleas to use TikTok while others may discover that their child started an Instagram account without their knowledge. While some parents accept social media use as inevitable, others want to rein in their kids’ social media use or stop it entirely.

Parents whose children have started using social media have good reason to be concerned. “Social media … can increase mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, body image issues, technology addiction, cyberbullying, concentration and sleeping issues,” says Dr. Asha Patton-Smith, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Virginia. Navigating rolling back social media once a child has started can be tricky, but it’s never too late to lay down ground rules.

Like many parents, when Ann Wairimu needed to finish a task she would often hand her phone to her daughter to keep the young girl busy. Wairimu appreciated the ease of being able to work in peace while her daughter was occupied. She thought there was no harm in allowing her daughter to use her phone to play games or watch educational videos. Wairimu thought the system was working well, until the girl’s aunt casually mentioned seeing something the girl had posted on Facebook. Wairimu didn’t know that her daughter, then 12, had started using social media and was immediately worried.

“My concerns were validated when I asked her to log in and went through her profile and direct messages. I was deeply alarmed that she was engaging in improper conversations with older men,” Wairimu tells Yahoo Life. Wairimu’s daughter argued that she should be able to use social media like her friends, but Wairimu had “a serious discussion about the negative impacts of using social media at her age" and put a stop to her social media use.

It wasn’t easy, but Wairimu now restricts her daughter’s access to cell phones and monitors her internet usage closely. She is also learning how to implement parental controls as an extra layer of protection. Still, Wairimu worries that her daughter may use social media on her friends’ devices. “It's a concern that remains in the back of my mind,” she says.

Wairimu is not alone in wanting to walk a child back from social media. Sophia Tang’s children also started using social media without her knowledge. Tang says she tried hard to keep her son and daughter away from the “charming virtual world” of social media because she was concerned about cyberbullying and the spread of misinformation online, but believes that they secretly opened their first social media accounts when they were about 10.

Once Tang discovered her kids’ social media accounts she tried to get them offline by organizing activities like family game nights and cooking dinner together. However, Tang says this “didn’t work very well.” Eventually, she took a different approach and sat her kids down to set limits on their use of social media, without implementing an outright ban.

“The conversation wasn't easy," she says. "They were upset and felt I was invading their personal space. But we reached a compromise by establishing ground rules and usage limits.” Those ground rules included only using social media during certain hours, implementing parental controls and having regular discussions about her children’s online experiences. She also followed all of their accounts. Tang says she believes her children respected the rules they agreed to as a family, and when her children turned 16 she gave them more independence.

According to Patton-Smith and Traci Williams, a board-certified child and family psychologist, there are several steps parents can take to get kids off social media, even if they have already started posting.

Talk it through.

First, Patton-Smith recommends that parents initiate “an open and honest conversation" with kids about their concerns. She encourages parents to explain their reasons for wanting to limit, or stop, social media use. According to Patton-Smith, parents should emphasize the potential risks in using social media so that the decision to end social media use is not presented as a punishment. Patton-Smith emphasizes that this should not be a one-way discussion. “Encourage them to share their thoughts and concerns as well,” she says.

Acknowledge the child's feelings.

Williams says that parents expect backlash. Instead of arguing, she encourages parents to be empathetic. “Let your child know that you understand they are frustrated, sad or angry. Also, remember that it is OK for your child to be upset with you. Their feelings are as valid as your decision,” she says.

Find offline alternatives.

Parents should encourage children to explore interests and social connections that don't involve social media. Patton-Smith says that parents can help children “discover activities they enjoy, such as sports, art, music or joining clubs or organizations.” She also recommends providing opportunities for children to socialize offline and build strong relationships by encouraging them to invite friends over and facilitating family gatherings. When parents see their children engaging in a meaningful offline activity they should provide positive reinforcement and praise.

Establish ground rules.

It’s important to talk with the child and agree upon appropriate screen time limits, outside of schoolwork, Patton-Smith says. For some children, this may require temporarily confiscating devices to help them learn expectations around appropriate internet use, especially if children have been using social media without permission. If parents take a device away, Patton-Smith recommends letting kids know how they can earn them back. This creates a teachable moment, rather than just imposing a punishment. If a child violates agreed-upon rules, “removing your child’s privileges for a short period of time is an example of an appropriate consequence,” Williams says.

Take a child’s individual needs into account.

“Every child is different. Parents should trust their instincts about how much internet time their child can tolerate,” Patton-Smith says. Some parents decide that children may use social media on a limited basis, only accessing certain platforms; being allowed to view content but not post any; or only using social media when being actively supervised by a parent. If that’s the case, Patton-Smith recommends that parents ensure their children know basic online safety rules and that they monitor their child’s social media access carefully. Williams emphasizes that any plans a family develops “should aim to meet the guidelines for their kids’ sleep, screen time and physical activity.”

Make this an evolving conversation.

Williams recommends keeping the dialogue open and revisiting social media use regularly as children get older and demonstrate more responsibility. She notes that there may be some benefits of social media for teenagers, especially as they develop better critical thinking skills, and have more emotional awareness around 15 or 16. “Social media can provide a wealth of information your kids may not be able to access otherwise,” she says, adding that “teens who struggle with learning differences, medical conditions as well as sexual or gender diversity can find solace in community with peers.”

If parents find handling their child’s social media use challenging they are not alone. Patton-Smith says that parents shouldn’t hesitate to seek advice from other parents, professionals or support groups. “They may provide additional guidance or strategies for dealing with similar situations,” that parents would not have thought of their own, she says.

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