Can My Partner—or Anyone Else—Find Out Who I Vote For?
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As we approach a not-at-all contentious presidential election, you might be wondering if your partner can find out who you voted for. Between abortion access, gun regulation, immigration policy, LGTBQ+ rights, the United States’ involvement in the Israel-Hamas war, and the mess of an economy, there’s no shortage of problems to get fired up about. And if you don’t see eye to eye with your partner on these hot-button issues, it makes sense why you’d want to avoid hashing it out with them—and keep your ballot private.
Everything about this election feels extremely personal. And how could it not? If you’re passionate about protecting reproductive rights, of course your blood may boil if your significant other is cool with the government calling the shots on who can (or can’t) get IVF or an abortion. If you want nothing more than for your kids to be safe at school, you might be filled with red-hot rage over your partner’s conservative take on gun ownership. Or maybe you’re married to a loyal Trump supporter and you’re worried about what your SO would think or say if they found out you went the Harris-Walz route.
Even if you guys are on the same page, talking about politics is a high-wire act. It can be uncomfortable and emotional, so maybe you just aren’t ready to go there. And guess what? That’s okay! Because your ballot is your own damn business. Here’s what to know if you’re concerned about your partner finding out who you voted for—and what to do, and say, if they inquire.
Rest assured: Who you vote for is totally private.
Before we get into everything you need to know about voter privacy, let’s first time travel to the 18th century. Back then, only white men could vote (naturally) and it was done verbally and out in the open. “They appeared in public before election officials and stated who they were voting for,” Atiba Ellis, JD, a law professor at Case Western Reserve University and voting rights expert, tells SELF.
This was a terrible system. Politicians bought votes from citizens and showed up to make sure they held up their end of the bargain, which prevented people from voting with their conscience, Ellis explains. The one good thing to come out of that mess? It eventually led to a ton of laws that prevent vote buying and protect voter privacy, he says.
Today, your candidate of choice is completely private information. “No state lets individuals know who any person voted for,” Ellis says. People can’t Google which campaign you supported, they can’t go to city hall to access that info, and they can’t call up the DNC or RNC and pry—there is no way for them to get ahold of it. You are safe.
The whole point of keeping your ballot selection secret: It gives you autonomy and puts all of us on a level playing field. It helps you make up your mind, free of any influence. “It’s that equality that makes democracy work,” Ellis adds.
But some of your voting information is public.
That said, there is some info out there that’s up for grabs. “The fact that you’re a registered voter means that you are in a public database with your name, your address, and depending on the state, your voting history and party affiliation,” Ellis says. (Don’t worry: Voting history just means if you voted, not who you voted for, he adds.)
What’s publicly available fluctuates state to state (you can find out what yours discloses here). Some places, like New York and Alaska, only show your name, address, and party affiliation, while others, like South Carolina, list your name, address, phone number, date of birth, sex, and race. While other people can’t see who you outright voted for, no matter what state you’re in, they could make an educated guess based on the party you’re affiliated with, Ellis points out.
And, unfortunately, there's really not much you can do about that, he says. If you’re a registered voter, some of your personal info is simply going to be in the public domain. There is one major exception though. A ton of states have voter confidentiality programs for people who have, say, a restraining order against another person or are in a witness protection program. “If you can produce a protective order or affidavit—or prove you have a need for your voter information to be confidential—the state will treat that info as confidential,” Ellis explains.
What to say if your partner asks who you voted for
If you’re tensing up just thinking about your partner asking you which candidate you chose, pause and remember that no one needs to know who you voted for. It’s your right as a citizen of the US to keep that info to yourself. And if they do inquire and you don’t want to say, Domenique Harrison, LMFT, LPCC, a Los Angeles–based therapist and relationships expert, recommends going with something like, “I don’t feel ready to have that conversation right now, and I’m not sure when I will be.”
Your person might feel upset and disappointed that you’re not willing to share, Harrison says, which is why she suggests doing your best to avoid ”always” and “never” statements—like, “I will never, ever tell you” or “You always act entitled to my personal business.” These absolutes can cause your partner to feel defensive and shut down, making it impossible to work through conflict, Harrison says.
If you’re maybe, possibly, potentially down to share, she recommends going into the convo with an open and curious mindset. Just because you think it’ll suck doesn’t mean it actually will. Approach the topic gently and say something like, “I’m feeling a little scared about sharing that. Is it okay if we table this conversation and reconnect about it on a walk tomorrow?” Harrison suggests. Or, perhaps, “You deserve honesty and transparency, and I know we haven’t talked about this yet, but would it be a dealbreaker if we voted differently?” This approach invites your partner in, even if you’re not ready to open up quite yet, and sets the tone for a calm, honest, exploratory conversation when you do feel ready.
There’s a reason you’re with this person—even if you’re absolutely dreading a politically fueled chat with them—and sitting down and talking about why you voted the way you did could lead to a really productive discussion about your values and beliefs. And hey, maybe you’ll learn you can get through tough stuff and that you guys have a solid-as-hell bond. Or perhaps it’ll swing the other way, and you’ll learn that it’s time to chuck them out the window (just kidding, kinda).
Just remember: If you don’t see eye to eye, that’s not always a bad thing. First, be grateful you’re not living in the 18th century and don’t have to deal with this in the town square. Then, take a deep breath and remember that who you vote for is your own biz and you can take it to the grave if you want to.
Your health is always on the ballot—and your vote is more powerful than you realize! Read all of SELF’s coverage of the 2024 election and make sure you're registered to vote.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
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