Can Pebbling Really Help You And Your Partner Grow Closer? Therapists Weigh In
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POV: You’re scrolling through your Instagram feed and a little smile pops up on your face when you see a post that reminds you of your favorite person. Naturally, you hit the "Share" button so they can see it, too. Almost everyone does this—that is, send their partner or best friend a silly meme or TikTok once in a while—but what you may not know is that this everyday practice is actually a psychologist-approved way to build and maintain a relationship.
Pebbling (or doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them) is a relationship trend that has gained major traction on TikTok in recent months. The love language is actually inspired by gentoo penguins, who are known for their sweet relationship habits: Young male penguins are known to court the young females by bringing them a smooth, shiny stone. The pebble, if accepted, marks the beginning of their relationship. It becomes the first of many pebbles the two penguins bring to the area to form a shared nest.
Now, as a human being, you might not want to bring your partner an actual pebble. But these small gestures—sending your partner a romantic song, or picking up a silly trinket for a friend—can help build the foundation for a closer relationship. Here, relationship experts weigh in on how and why this routine can help all your relationships (romantic and platonic alike).
In simple terms, pebbling is the practice of performing small acts of kindness for another person.
By performing a low-lift gesture—like sending an encouraging text or bringing a friend a coffee—you’re showing someone that you’re thinking about them without going out of your way to put in too much effort, says Rachel Vanderbilt, PhD, a relationship scientist based in Tampa.
In the age of social media, this might look like sending your partner a meme, or tagging them in a post you think they might like, says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. Even something as small as a text message from a loved one is proven to have a positive mental health impact, according to one 2020 study Suwinyattichaiporn conducted among Millennials and Gen Z.
This behavior falls under the umbrella of renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman’s theory of bidding for connection, says Betsy Chung, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert. Bids for connection are subtle ways people in relationships try to get attention from their partner to build intimacy—and pebbling is a great example of this, she adds.
The practice has a multitude of benefits, whether you’re just getting to know someone or in a long-term relationship.
Most of all, pebbling is beneficial for relationships because it creates positive shared experiences between partners, says Marisa Cohen, PhD, a relationship scientist and licensed marriage and family therapist. Performing small but regular gestures, like sending someone a news article you think they'd find interesting or buying them their favorite candy, shows people that you know and understand them.
When you're going through a rough patch or feeling disconnected in a relationship, this can be especially helpful. Thoughtful gestures create feelings of gratitude, satisfaction, and connection, Vanderbilt says. “It's sort of like a piggy bank and little gestures get filled in the bank,” she explains. “As you're getting gestures and gestures and gestures, they build a sense of connection and the feeling that you're understood by another person.”
When you’re in the early stages of dating or first getting to know a new friend, pebbling is a great way to create a positive foundation and show another person that you’re paying attention to their interests. “If you are dating and courting, I think pebbling is effective in building the bond and developing the relationship. It's a continuous effort to show affection, show you’re thinking of them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.
There are tons of ways to incorporate pebbling into your relationships.
The important part is, don’t think about the price tag. “It's not even necessarily about the gift itself,” Cohen says. “It's about the thought behind it and signaling to the other person ‘I'm thinking about you.’”
If you’re stumped, you can take inspiration from one of the five love languages—gift giving, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time—to figure out simple ideas that might please your partner or friend. Here are four ideas, recommended by relationship experts.
Utilize technology to send them a silly message.
Pebbling was first popularized by people on social media, who pointed out that sending someone a meme, TikTok, GIF, or other social media post feels akin to bringing them a pretty pebble, like penguins do. This can be done with a romantic partner, best friend, or even a family member, Chung says. If you're in a long-distance relationship or friendship, this can be an especially great way to keep up casual communication and show someone you're thinking of them.
Ease some of their stress by taking care of a task.
As a love language, acts of service provides lots of great (and free!) ways to show a person you care about them. For example, if there is a chore around the house that you know has been stressing your partner out, surprise them by taking care of it, suggests Vanderbilt. Has your S.O. been really overwhelmed at work, and hinting that they really need to do laundry? Go ahead and handle it yourself. By taking something off your partner's plate and allowing them to relax, you're showing them that you are paying attention and trying to make their life a little easier.
Bring them a little (or big!) gift.
Bringing a small, affordable gift to a partner or friend is a tangible way to show you’ve been thinking about them. When choosing a gift, try to remember what they've mentioned in conversation, suggests Suwinyattichaiporn. After all, the goal is to show this person that you're listening to them and that you know them well.
A few examples: If your partner texted that they had a bad day, try picking up their favorite sweet treat, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests. Or, if they keep talking about how they really need a massage or facial, go ahead and book them an appointment.
Share some words of affirmation.
Words of affirmation are a quick way to give someone a pick-me-up, says Vanderbilt. Whether it’s a love note or encouraging message, a little Post-It left on your partner or roommate's desk is sure to cheer them up and strengthen your bond. You can also use technology to do this virtually, of course—if you haven't chatted with a friend in awhile, why not send them a sweet compliment via text during your next lunch break?
Pebbling works best when it’s reciprocal and—crucially—not overwhelming.
There isn’t a way to do pebbling wrong, per se, but there are definitely ways to increase the positive impact it can have on your relationship. For example, you want to be careful about how your actions are being received.
When building a relationship, it's important to find the balance between thoughtful gestures that show your interest, and a respect for the person’s space and comfort level. “You don't want to overwhelm a person [with constant pebbling], because that can be too much. It's meant to be a little something here and there,” Vanderbilt says.
Because, as great as pebbling can be, overloading someone with thoughtful gestures is not going to be a fix-all for a broken relationship—and it shouldn’t be a tool used dozens of times a week to force a premature sense of intimacy with your latest dating app match, either. Rather, it should be a “nice, added positive interaction,” stresses Cohen. Moderation, and meeting the recipient where they are, is key.
That said, if you feel like a friend or partner is trying to grow your relationship via pebbles—and they’re doing it in a caring, respectful manner—try to appreciate their actions. “If you're the receiver of pebbling, make sure that you are responsive towards your lover's pebbles,” Suwinyattichaiporn says. “It can feel hurtful if you just look at [a text or gift] without responding.”
And on the other side of that coin, if the recipient of your pebbles isn’t responding the way you want them to, Chung recommends clear communication. “Sometimes our partners don't know what we're trying to do, and they don't know exactly what kind of a response we're looking for,” she says. This can create negative feelings like resentment in the relationship, so bringing up that you’re trying to show you care—and articulating that it hurts your feelings when your actions go unappreciated—will make it easier to connect. After all, connection is the goal here.
Meet the experts: Rachel Vanderbilt, PhD, is a relationship scientist based in Tampa. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, is a professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of The Couple Skills Workbook. Marisa Cohen, PhD, is relationship scientist and licensed marriage and family therapist based in New York.
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