People-pleasing often stems from fear you felt in childhood. Here's how to slowly start being yourself.

• People-pleasing is the need to keep everyone happy.

• A psychologist shared that this trait can be a result of how you were raised.

• To stop people-pleasing, she recommended figuring out the root cause and being slower to react in conflict situations.

If you identify as a people-pleaser, you might feel like it's impossible to change. Well-meaning friends and coworkers can try to encourage you to "just be yourself" and "stop being afraid of speaking up," — but you know it's not that simple.

No matter how hard you try, you can't seem to shake that compulsive urge to keep everyone happy, and it feels even worse when people think you're being disingenuous or manipulative.

While people-pleasing can be associated with some personality disorders like narcissism, Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist and author of "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People," believes people-pleasers are often sensitive people who mean well.

Most people-pleasers aren't bending over backwards "because they're weak people or because they're trying to curry favor," Gibson told Insider. "They're doing it because they were trained that way."

For example, being raised by an emotionally immature parent can teach you to always curb your own feelings for the sake of someone else's.

"You've been made to be afraid to be yourself," she said, "and you need to figure out where that came from and give yourself permission to please yourself as long as you're not hurting anybody else."

Insider spoke to Gibson on how to slowly stop people-pleasing and start stating your needs — no matter how jarring it feels at first.

People-pleasing vs. being polite

"People-pleasing" is a broad term that is ripe for misinterpretation. What feels like general polite behavior to one person can be people-pleasing to someone else.

To be able to tell the difference within yourself, Gibson suggested looking at the amount of tension you feel when you people-please.

For example, if you see a friend finish their water and you refill their cup, Gibson said that can come out of normal sensitivity to other people's needs — if you feel relaxed when you do it.

But if you notice a sense of pressure, like something bad will happen if you don't refill their drink or you're a terrible person if you don't notice their empty glass, then you're operating from more of a place of anxiety and fear.

If it's the latter, Gibson said the next step is to figure out if the person you're with really would react badly (based on your past experiences with them), or if it's a learned behavior you apply to everyone.

Look to your upbringing for clues

If you realize you're always on the lookout for potential conflict in social settings, also called hypervigilance, it could be tied to how you grew up, according to Gibson.

In many cases, people-pleasers "learned to be extra sensitive and vigilant to other people's discomfort or disapproval," she said.

Often, this can come from a parent reacting poorly to opposition or criticism during childhood.

"If they had a parent like that, they can learn that they have to step in and get that parent back into a good mood," Gibson said. Over time, that behavior can transfer to all social situations, even around people who are emotionally safe to be around.

Knowing where the people-pleasing stems from can be immensely helpful, because you can start to set boundaries around emotionally immature people, while opening up around the people who have demonstrated that they are trustworthy.

Slow down and check in with yourself before reacting

If you're hypervigilant in social settings, you're probably also quick to react, according to Gibson.

"Lots of times, people who try to please other people are extremely facile socially," she said. "They know what to say right away and they move into caretaking immediately." This could be because, as kids, they likely learned to act fast and jump right into soothing others.

One subtle but powerful technique to change your habits is to deliberately slow down your reactions. "Take a little half-beat to connect with yourself and then try to have the interaction out of an authentic part of yourself," Gibson said.

Even if you still end up people-pleasing in the moment, it still teaches you to check in with yourself instead of detaching and focusing on other people's moods and behaviors.

Be ready for relationships to change or end

As you slowly start to become aware of your needs and even state them out loud, it can usher in some radical changes in your relationships. You might realize that some friends preferred the version of you that was quieter and more appeasing.

"As we mature, we might not find those friendships to be as rewarding or even as equal as we would like them to be because we have grown," Gibson said.

However, that doesn't mean you always have to cut people out of your life. If you have an emotionally immature friend, Gibson said it's up to you to decide if you want to leave the friendship — or use that relationship as an opportunity for mutual growth, if the other person also seems interested in changing.

"Sometimes being honest with or setting boundaries with emotionally immature people can be very strengthening," Gibson said. As long as you're not drained in the process, "there may be benefits to staying in the friendship and learning how to hold your own."

Use your sensitivity as a strength

Gibson believes that people-pleasing partly comes from a perceptiveness that certain people are just born with. Research shows that 15-20% of children are believed to be "highly sensitive."

You can and should lower your tendency to anxiously people-please, but your emotional intelligence is probably here to stay — and Gibson says that's a good thing.

"You may use your sensitivity to act in ways that help everybody to get along well together," she said. "That's just a natural talent."

Read the original article on Insider