People Are Sharing The Good, Bad, And Ugly Truths Of Living With Your Significant Other, And I Really Wasn't Expecting Some Of Them
Deciding to move in with your significant other is a big step in any relationship.
And it's the sort of thing that you might want some insight on from other couples who have been there, done that already. So I asked the BuzzFeed Community about their experience moving in with a significant other and the responses are quite eye-opening — and a mix of people who would do it all over again in a heartbeat, and others who absolutely would not. Here's what they had to say.
1."Living with my husband is like living with my best friend. We moved in together when we were still dating and it was a seamless transition. Now, don't get me wrong. When he constantly puts the measuring cups away wrong, it drives me nuts."
"But he's always there to give me hugs and listen to me. Plus, he does most of the cleaning. Win! I do wish that I knew a little bit more about his hygiene habits though. I don't think I'll ever convince him to brush his teeth before bed."
—Anonymous
2."My advice is to get the biggest bed you can afford and have space for! I know it sounds silly but sleep quality matters."
3."We didn't move in together until a month before our wedding. While we'd spent so much time together and practically did live together, I wasn't prepared for how much I miss having alone time. Now that we live together, the only alone time I get is late at night or early in the morning."
"Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change anything and I love my wife, I just wish that sometimes I could have a few hours a week to be alone and watch the things I like that my wife doesn't enjoy, or eat junk food, etc. I'm afraid to bring this up and make my wife feel like I don't want to be around her, because I do like our time together. I just didn't realize how important having time to decompress was to my mental health."
—Anonymous
4."We weren't comfortable with ourselves enough to be healthy in such close quarters. Resentment was formed. Hostility followed."
5."Living together brings you closer, at least it did for me and my significant other. It is like being married in many ways. Also, everything is exposed, so if there are things about each other that you did not entirely know about or think about, you will learn everything about that person because you see them on a daily basis."
"I think when you’re married, you have made that emotional and legal commitment and may not be as apt to flee if things don’t go as expected. If you love each other and talk about things, then living together can be wonderful."
—Anonymous
6."Well, considering my boyfriend was previously renting a single room with only a futon on the floor so there would be more room for us and music equipment, my two-bedroom was for sure an upgrade."
"The second room became his office and now he has a real bed with me. We’re probably a bizarre example because we did it after only a few months together but we just knew, I guess."
7."It’s okay not to be in each other’s pockets all the time. Enjoy some time away from each other, in separate spaces, and you’ll better appreciate the time you have together."
8."We had been together for over five years and everything was positive. But I wish that we had talked way more about expectations."
"Everything ended up on me. And that ended up leading to less of the under-the-sheets fun. Which made us feel like roommates, which led to a ton of issues, including separating and that was the last thing anyone wanted. Even if you don't want to, make sure to talk so the problem doesn't become resentment."
—Anonymous
9."I knew he smoked weed beforehand but I had no idea exactly how much before he moved in. He also smokes cigarettes. Sometimes I walk in and the whole house smells like weed. I don't let him smoke inside, but his weed smells really bad, so the smell permeates my home, even if he doesn't smoke inside."
"I don't care about him smoking, but I don't want my home smelling like a dispensary, especially if guests come over. Plus the amount of money he spends on weed is insane. Sometimes, I think I could be with him forever. Other days, I think the smoking and the amount spent on it could eventually be a deal-breaker."
10."I haven't moved in with my partner yet, but we absolutely plan to do it after we graduate university. We both think that you need to know what's it is like to live together before marriage. A ton of new info can come out while living together, which may change your whole perspective."
—Anonymous
11."My boyfriend was spending every night at my place, then one day, a suitcase showed up with some of his stuff. The next week, another — until eventually all of his stuff was at my place. We never really discussed it, sort of just went with it, but we’ve been living together now for two years and things have worked out really well."
12."You don't realize how different everyone is raised until you move in together. And it is most evident when you realize everyone has their own definition of 'clean.' When I say 'clean up,' our place looks a lot different than when my partner spends time 'cleaning up.'"
"Understanding that the term means different things to different people is kind of a microcosm of living together. 'Cleaning up,' 'busy day,' 'sleeping in,' and so many more all have different definitions you didn't realize. Instead of using those vague phrases, specificity is your friend.
You want the kitchen cleaned, say what you want your partner to do to help. You want to sleep in, tell them how late that means. You have a busy day of self-care planned? Tell them. It helps so much when you're more descriptive. And if they aren't being descriptive, ask questions."
13."I hope other people agree with me on this one but age is very much a crucial matter. I'm in my 40s and no, it is not the same to move in with someone when you are in your 20s."
"The older you get, the more stuff you have, the more settled you are on your ways, quirks, and schedules (specially if you have children). Moving in with someone who is similarly settled is going to cause problems. It's not a life you are both 'beginning together,' but more a merger of two already-different worlds.
Sure, you are in love and you want to make it work and yes, nothing is impossible. But people my age seem to forget that fairy tales and Hallmark movies don't elaborate on how hard it is to find common ground. So, let's just say the most successful fortysomething couples I've met have kept their places separate."
14."I absolutely think you should live with someone before marrying them. It's not until you're living together that you find out so many of their habits, quirks, opinions, everything that might never come up while you're living separately. I think it's much smarter to find out how truly compatible you are with someone before you make the big dramatic legally-binding decision to get married."
15."I wish I knew how hard it is to remember to ask someone how their day is. You’re so busy doing your own stuff. You feel it's important to talk about bills and mortgages — and you realize you don’t actually talk about little things, like a good muffin you ate this morning or a really slow driver that annoyed you on the commute home."
"Always ask about their day because it’s such an important part of my routine now, it’s that special time."
16."I’m 32 and have lived with my husband since very early on in our relationship, about 10 years ago. My biggest piece of advice would be to learn to walk away during a fight. It’s easy to keep going and going because you live together. It’s not like one person can leave to go back to their place. My husband and I could go at it for hours without a break."
"I went to therapy and learned that this is a terrible way to resolve a problem and that giving space is crucial. Now if my husband and I get into it (it’s rare now but still happens!), he’ll tell me he’s taking a walk, he’ll keep his phone on, and be back at a certain time.
Nine times out of 10 when he returns, he’s cooled off, I’ve cooled off, and we realize whatever we were fighting about was silly. If further conflict needs to be resolved, the time we took to cool off means we can have a constructive and respectful conversation about it. Don’t let your house (or tiny apartment in our case) be a conflict prison! It’s okay to walk away, table a discussion and return when cooler heads can prevail."
17."I constantly have Panic! At The Disco stuck in my head because my partner has never, in fact, heard of closing a goddamn door."
—Anonymous
18."I wish I had known how to have an adult conversation about who does what and when. Not everyone is on the same page with what is considered clean and when to clean something. My ex never cleaned, and it was never discussed. Meanwhile, I'm over here with cleaning as a damn hobby, so I ended up doing all of it all the time and that caused resentment."
"Next guy (now husband)? I talked at length about it, as he never lived with a woman before. It was easier than I thought because he was receptive. So talk about cleanliness and chores, have a legit conversation about it on where you both stand. I know it seems like such a little thing, but when you're the only one changing sheets and washing dishes for two months on end, you won't feel so forgiving when you snap. Trust me."
19."Don’t rush into it, live with roomies and flatmates first. That way you’ll know if how the adapt, communicate about household stuff, and what’s normal in a living-together situation with someone. Also, move in only when you’re sure about the relationship, not move in to find out whether you’re sure."
20."I wish I had known how much I actually enjoy my alone time. I like being able to sleep in as late as I want without wondering what plans we have, or leaving a couple of dishes in the sink and not worrying about washing them right away. And I like being able to watch my garbage reality shows without someone constantly asking me what the heck is going on when we both know you don’t actually care. I love living with my partner, but sometimes I miss being by myself."
21."Finding out that moving in together was going to take a lot more intentional effort to make it work was, weirdly, a shock for me. I had been basically living at his place for several years before we moved in together, so I thought it would be no big deal to move in. Turns out, I could not have been more wrong about that."
"Combining two households worth of stuff, habits, and assumptions was hard, and took a lot of talking and compromising on both sides. And then we had to keep doing that, because hey, people change and adapt and what wasn’t irritating during month two of living together becomes unfathomably irritating after year three or four for no reason. The key is to remember that you’re a team, and communication is key.
Do I wish my partner would make the bed every morning when he gets up (he gets up for work after I leave)? Sure! I did it when the schedules were reversed and I think it makes it more pleasant when we go to bed. Can I live with just the blankets flipped back, because the thing that drives me bonkers is the fact that he doesn’t put his tea mug in the kitchen when we go to bed? Yes. The mug thing is more annoying (to me personally) so I chose to let go of my annoyance about the bed and address just the one thing. Because he’s a good man, who loves me and I love him, and my way is not necessarily the best or only way to do things.
Mind you, this HAS to go both ways. If only one person is compromising all of the time, they’re going to get resentful very quickly. So talk it out, preferably not in anger, and know that it takes effort every day, even if, and maybe especially when, you’re madly in love."
22."It definitely broke us up. We were dating for a year prior to moving in together. I thought that I knew him in and out because despite not living together, we were always together so moving in didn't seem like a big deal."
"Upon moving in, we found out that we both are very different people. He didn't think he'd have to clean, cook, or basically do anything. He always assumed it was the girl's job. I always thought he was a minimalist when I first met him because he literally had nothing at his apartment. But no, it was because it was easy to manage for him. I got tired of being his mom and we soon broke up once the lease ended."
23."I learned that even the best boyfriend or partner in the world might still have some misogynistic tendencies. I work more hours each week than my S.O., yet I have to cook dinner and the weekday that he’s off, I’ve never come home to a cooked dinner. He tells me when he’s running low on boxers so I know that I need to get to the laundry."
"He helps out in many ways, but there are some odd things that just scream 'This is a woman’s job' when it shouldn’t be, especially when I work more than him. It’s important to set boundaries and understand that no one is perfect, and there will be arguments over petty shit."
24."Talk about chores. It's boring but can stop a lot of arguments. I lived with my boyfriend for seven months before he realized I was regularly cleaning the bath and they don't just get clean from getting wet when in use."
25."Get on the same page about what constitutes spending time together. When we first moved in together, my husband didn’t really see the need to plan things to do together anymore, because we saw each other around the house all the time, and would do basic home living things together like grocery shopping."
"Myself? I really began to loathe hanging out on the couch and looking at our phones at the same time and calling that 'hanging out,' and I really resented his friends who got his energy for a little while.
Eventually, we recognized the issue and talked about it, and now we make sure to still have date nights, even if they’re at home, just intentional time together. It’s been years and we are super happy with this tiny little improvement."
26."I wish I had looked long and hard at how much personal space and alone time each of us needed. Turned out, I needed quiet solo time to decompress on a regular basis while my soon-to-be-ex-husband hated being alone or really, any downtime in general."
"This created a tricky situation once we started living together, and was only further exacerbated by COVID lockdown."
27."Do yourselves a favor and make sure you're on the same page about privacy. Some folks like someone up their ass all the time and others need some alone time. Spend a lot of time spending the night together as if you are living together before you move in."
"Talk about chores, sexual frequency, masturbation, approach to money. The more you know, the better off you are. There is something to be said for just throwing caution to the wind though. I'm 54 years old and I met a guy in May. By September, we were married. We did have many very deep, open, honest discussions about our expectations and what we each felt we had to offer. I do wish we had talked about sex more before we moved in."
28."I'd say it's worth it sometimes and has some benefits — but also depends on the person you're with. We were talking about marriage before moving in together but since moving in together seven years ago, I ain't heard shit about marriage since."
"He just likes getting laid, fed, taken care of, and having babies without legal documentation — and it's getting old. That whole cow-and-milk thing that I dismissed so many years back is starting to make sense now."
29."I'm very glad we moved in together before marriage. We both met pretty young (I was 17 and he was 19) and we moved in about a year and a half after meeting each other. It's a very different experience living with your S.O. vs. just seeing them regularly."
"You get to see the messes they make and how they do chores and how they grocery shop. Those don't seem like big things, but if you can't find a compromise on them, your relationship isn't going to work. We were together almost seven years before getting married and lived together for at least five of them. I definitely think that, if possible, you should live with your S.O. before you get married."
—Anonymous
30."I wish I’d known that he is incapable of closing a cupboard door or drawer after opening it. And that he is also incapable of turning a light off after leaving the room. Why?!"
31."It started off well and deteriorated fast. After a year and a half of living together, it ended very poorly. My advice is to talk finances before you even start apartment hunting together, especially if one or both of you are awkward about money and/or have vastly different incomes."
"It’s not fun to try to break down the bills while things are due and one of you is dancing around the subject or putting off the conversation. Ideally, get a joint checking account for all joint bills the second you sign the lease and each of you should do an auto deposit for your agreed upon share of the money (rent, utilities, food and any extras).
Determine who is doing what around the house when you move in (chores, cooking, cleaning, pet care) and be honest immediately if something is bothering you, like your partner doesn’t close the toilet seat or leaves clothes around. It may seem small but it will eat at you.
From experience, I've learned that if you aren’t happy with the situation after three months, it probably won’t change for the better. Also do not buy together before living together for at least a year. Breaking up is hard enough without joint assets."
—Anonymous
32."I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years now, living together for four. Sometimes I wish I was single again, I miss having the alone time. I love him but I wish I could just get up in the morning by myself drink my coffee, get ready for the day and go out by myself without worrying about somebody else. He is clingy. Maybe I am being mean — but I wish I could just have days by myself. We have talked about having separate rooms when we finally build our home."
—Anonymous
33."I have been living with my significant other for four years. One thing that I wish I knew before I moved in would be how much fun I would actually have. Don't get me wrong, we annoy each other and fight sometimes. But at the end of the day, we always have fun and always end the day together."
"I've never enjoyed being with someone so much. I don't usually like people — but he is my person. One negative that I wish I knew was when one person gets sick, you can also count on being sick."
34."My experience has been great! We moved in after two months of dating. We are now married and it’s just pure bliss. Communication is definitely key."
—Anonymous