People Are Sharing The Most Unexpected Thing That Came Out When They Did Family Therapy
Recently I asked the BuzzFeed Community to share secrets revealed in a family therapy. Here's what they (and some Reddit users) had to say:
1."My mother actually letting her walls down and APOLOGIZING. I'm sure several people understand me when I say my mother is a stubborn woman who did not apologize for anything, ever. I think she finally saw the damage it was doing to us. She saw that keeping her pride meant losing her children and in the end, it was not worth it. So she started to really think and reflect. At first, it was small silly things like not letting me dye my hair bright colors when I was a teen, to apologizing for cheating on my dad. Then she just couldn't stop the Apology Party, LOL. Yet, they were all so meaningful and genuine. The biggest one for me was her apologizing for ignoring me for a very long time and favoring my brother. That hurt a lot and almost ruined our relationship, but we saved it in the end. Now we're best friends. It just feels good to breathe again and have everything out and done."
2."Back in 2013 or 2014, my family started going to family therapy. It was just before my brother was going to leave for college. My brother is on the spectrum and protested therapy. He would show up late and not contribute to the sessions. When my brother left for college, we stopped going to therapy because my parents and I got along great. Fast forward a couple years, my brother got kicked out of his college and my parents, really my mom, wanted to do therapy again. My brother protested it again and wouldn’t show up. A year after my brother moved home, my parents ended up getting divorced. I am 100% wholeheartedly convinced that if had he not come home, our family would still be together. My brother has since disowned me and my mom. I haven’t heard from him in close to 3 years. He works in the city I live in and I don’t even know if I would recognize him if I saw him on the street."
—24, California
3."Terrible, because everyone apart from me told lies, downplayed issues, then agreed to follow the therapist's plan while we were in session. However, immediately after we left, they said it was a terrible idea and they wouldn't be doing that. I'm sure if everyone committed to telling the truth and wholeheartedly agreed to and followed the plan, then it would be helpful."
4."I was shocked at how what I'd been told for years wasn't true. I honestly thought we had the perfect family, and I was just messed up. I remember the moment I realized that not everyone lives their life the way I grew up where children were an investment in maintaining the perfect image, and not actually wanted. Some parents actually love their children without conditions. This really hit home when my father refused to have anything to do with me the one time he actually showed up to a session. The anger he had because he had to show up scared me because it radiated loudly. Imagine sitting in a group of family only for it to become obvious to everyone in the room that my family didn’t love me; I didn’t understand that until that moment. It was so humiliating. I wanted to hide under my chair. I was so embarrassed by the public disdain he and my mother showed."
—44, Texas
5."My relationship with my mom got WAY better! She finally understood that I had a learning disability, and I wasn’t just trying to flunk out. Things aren’t as easy for me as they are for her. The therapist would teach us both about my disability, how to combat it, and how it affects our relationship. Now my mom is my biggest supporter and advocate for my challenges. She teaches me and researches more than I do."
—21, Minnesota
6."My mother-in-law told me, to my face, that if she knew I would turn out to be the person I am today, she never would have suggested my husband ask me out. He and I, apparently, are responsible for a lot of her reasons for being unhappy— some reasons related to us as a couple, some as individuals. This came from someone who never expressed these issues with us when they were actually going on, instead choosing to hold onto some of them for years and let her resentment toward us build. We've been married for almost 11 years, and together 17+ years. I guess it's nice to finally know she doesn't like me after she's lied for years on end."
—34, USA
7."My mother was able to spin things on me saying that I'm troubled and she's the heroic parent 'trying her best.' Yet, there was a lot of manipulation and codependency (since I was 7) and no one ever talked about that or called her out on it."
8."When I went to the school counselor, my parents were so angry at me and gave me the silent treatment for weeks because I made them 'look bad' when really 'they’re not.'”
9."When I disclosed some of the abuse I experienced, and the therapist surprised me in session by calling my abuser (a family member), to verify it. They were on speaker phone, and the therapist basically said 'I was accusing them of xyz, so what was their response?' I remember wondering 'what's the point of calling aside from humiliating and discrediting me?' My therapist later accused me of making things up for attention, as if any abuser is going to admit what they've done, much less admitting it over a conference call."
—52, Maryland
10."My mom and sisters talked about their hardships and it helped them walk through them, while the therapist just bellyached to me about all of their problems and expected me to come up with solutions even though I was only 11. It worked out great for my mom and sisters but for me…never again."
11."I had court-mandated therapy with my dad. My dad did not want to do the therapy and it took me becoming a legal adult for us to start going to sessions. It was during covid, so it was online. I would bawl my eyes out before and after from the stress because our therapist would always side with my dad. They'd say that I needed to respect his boundaries, but he didn’t have to respect mine because he is the parent and he supports me financially. One of the most difficult 'boundaries' for my father was him not seeing me on my birthday or even wishing me a happy birthday nor did he come to my small celebration with friends and family (we lived in the same town at the time). The therapist supported him in that I had to schedule appointments with my dad for when I wanted to see him. Most of those appointments would end up including his girlfriend who was living with him in my childhood home. It was a horrible and tumultuous process for me."
—24, California
12."It wasn't too bad at first. I got to do a lot of artistic things, (paint stuff, draw, I even made a sculpture). The problem with therapy was that I was rarely, if ever, allowed boundaries. My mom would force me to go, force me to talk, and confront my feelings, (as long as they had nothing to do with the issues my mom and I had.) Eventually, I loathed therapy, as it wasn't for me, it was for my mom. I already had trust issues and it came to the point where I couldn't tell my mom what I felt."
13."Family therapy was pointless. It was always just my dad involved, never my mom. When my mom joined, she never listened. Also, later I'd get in trouble for what I said in therapy. So to me, it was pointless."
14."I had my first session yesterday without telling my parents and my therapist urged me to let my parents come in for a session. I mentioned it to them today and they ended up getting very angry. They told me the following: 1. therapy shouldn't be a priority. If you have so much time to have therapy, focus your time on something more important (list out all the things I'm bad at, says I haven't achieved anything.) 2. When you graduate high school you can have all the therapy you want, right now is not the right time. 3. We don't have time. 4. We don't need therapy. You can have it, but we're not going. 5. Therapists need money so they'll diagnose you with random mental health issues so you keep going (it was literally free, idk what they're smoking) 6. Our relationship will inevitably improve when you graduate because you won't be seeing us as much, so our dysfunctional household won't be a problem in the future."
15.And finally, "The whole family dynamic is toxic af."
