"I've Been Gentle Parenting For A Decade Now": Here's What Real People Have To Say About The Gentle Parenting Trend
When I was a kid in the '80s and '90s, getting yelled at and/or spanked was a pretty standard punishment in my house and in the homes of my friends. So even though I'm not a parent myself, I've been super fascinated by all the gentle parenting content I'm seeing online.
You mean to tell me that parents are just teaching their kids emotional-regulation skills that I'm still figuring out in my 30s? Honestly kinda jealous of the youths sometimes.
But we all know that social media doesn't always show the full truth. So I asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share what their real-life experiences with gentle parenting have been like, and their responses were so honest and inspiring. Here's what they had to say:
1."As I have applied gentle parenting to my younger kids, they behave more confidently and assertively than my older children I was authoritarian with. My older kids know how to quickly get a task done and read the room better, but they also struggle with addiction and self-worth."
"My younger kids know how to express their limits. They are quick to play mediator in conflicts. They are more in tune with what's fair to a group and collaborate toward that.
"When we have a long car ride, we talk about how we can prepare: snacks that help versus not, activities that are best suited, and special privileges, because it's an unusual, challenging situation. When they are upset and I don't have time to listen to it, we set a time for them to vent. Their emotions don't rule our family, but they are real, and we will give time and space to honor them.
"We also ask, 'Is this helping or hurting the situation?' Or 'Do we want to make this bigger or better?' We define venting versus complaining. We empower their boundaries, but they also need to respect others' boundaries."When I see 'failed' gentle parenting, It is often authoritarian parenting. The kid is just in the role of authority. Their feelings, schedule, and emotions rule everything and everyone, and others pay for not respecting that."Gentle parenting is gently teaching your child how to be a good human with other humans. They must learn to be gentle with others too."
—Becki
2."I've been gentle parenting my son (I'm a child of an authoritarian father who spanked and yelled). I never have and never will ever use physical punishment on my child. I set boundaries and I let my son know that his choices and behaviors will result in A, B, or C consequences and it's his choice to make (unless safety is an issue), and I enforce those consequences."
"He is an overall good kid, but lately those consequences don't work anymore. If his toys get taken away, he'll find something else to do. No 'fun' snacks doesn't work because I've raised him on generally healthy food, and he has no problem with fruits and veggies. I won't take away outside time or let him go hungry. He's fine with no screentime.
"Just as an example, he'll calmly say no when I say it's bedtime, or he refuses to clean up his messes. Explaining/showing him the benefits of doing these things doesn't work."
3."We have a 2?-year-old daughter and a 9-month-old son, and I've tried to gradually ease into more of the gentle parenting style. I'm also trying to get my boyfriend on the same page, and he's getting there. He was raised around toxic masculinity, so it's that mold I'm desperately trying to break. He's definitely more of a 'raise your voice and yell' type, and I'm trying to shift his mindset by the things I've picked up on."
"Now, I won't lie and say I haven't lost my cool and spanked my daughter a couple of times (not hard, but enough to 'get her attention'). Then I realized we're sitting here telling her not to hit us, but we turn around and spank her — that's doing nothing besides showing her it's okay to hit, even though we're saying don't.
"That was my first come-to-Jesus moment. And magically, she stopped hitting me when she got angry. She might throw her cup or something, but she doesn't direct the anger toward me, even though I'm the one she's mad at.
"The second come-to-Jesus moment was hearing someone say the things 2-year-olds do aren't punishable, they're just undesirable. Their brains are literally wired to just do random shit. Throwing her colored sorting bears isn't behavior she needs to be punished for. It just annoys the shit out of me, and that's a me problem.
"When I ask her to pick them up and she doesn't, instead of getting mad and yelling, I start singing the 'Clean Up' song by Barney, and it's as if this switch goes off. She'll start singing with me, and next thing I know, the entire room is picked up.
"If that doesn't work, I just pick them up, put them away, and tell her when she's ready to play nicely with those things, she can have them back. But when she throws them and ignores me, that's my cue to redirect her energy.
"If there's a tantrum, I will always get down on her level so we're eye to eye. In her mind, that shows her we're equal. Even though I'm Mommy, trying to calm her down in that moment, forcing her to look up at me only shows her authority, not empathy. It's very trying some days, 100%, but I think it's more beneficial for both of us.
"There is no reasoning with a toddler, but if you do enough research, you start to pick up little habits and try new strategies along the way, and when they work, it's this magical light bulb moment. She's like my little cage-free chicken. Not free range, but cage-free."
—Jessica, 32
4."I 'gentle parented,' which, yes, is just treating your child with the same respect that you would expect from and give anyone. Discussing bad behavior without shaming them, blah, blah, blah. He's 30 now and the spitting image of his abusive father, and in return doesn't speak to me. Yay, parenthood."
5."I find there are all these rules and different takes on social media about what gentle parenting is. People are different. You’re not going to get the same results from every child. I also know some very emotionally well-adjusted adults whose parents did not 'gentle parent' but were present and good people. That seemed to be enough."
"We just try to be as patient as we can, read up on what is age-appropriate behavior for their development, and use lots of empathy to connect with and understand our child. The rest is just experimenting and figuring it out.
"In the general sense, you can say we gentle parent. But there’s no guilt if we don’t do everything 'by the book.' It doesn’t work to follow someone else’s rules exactly. A child’s experience growing up is a whole combination of lots of things. You can only figure things out one day at a time.
"TL;DR: Gentle parenting is great, but trying to follow every piece of 'advice' from other people is a recipe for guilt and frustration. Parenting is complicated and needs different solutions based on different families."
6."I have been using gentle parenting with my children for a decade now, and I believe it has really helped them to be kinder and more respectful. It was hard going when they were younger, as any style of parenting would be, but I feel we’re reaping the rewards now. It’s very frustrating that there are so many myths about it."
"The one that frustrates me most is that there is too much pressure on gentle parents to be perfect, which just isn’t true. Nobody is perfect, and all parents are ungentle at times. Gentle parents just try to be good enough most of the time and apologize when we mess up. There is no pressure if you really understand the parenting style.
"I’m also frustrated that people think there are no boundaries or discipline, because there are lots of both. We just don’t hurt our children, emotionally or physically, when we discipline them."
—Jane, 42
7."Not a parent, but a teenage sibling. I babysit my four siblings at least 12 hours a week, with the youngest being 2. This has been going on for about six months now, and while watching them, I try to use gentle parenting. I've seen the most improvement with my youngest sibling, especially in comparison with how the rest of my siblings behave."
"It's harder to improve their behavior with the years of regular parenting. But the youngest is more vocal, more kind, patient, etc. I try to use it with my other siblings as well, and when they are receptive to it, it actually works quite well. They are willing to tell me why they are upset, what needs to be changed, etc."
8."My husband and I have three boys, ages 10, 8, 6. We have been doing our best to be gentle parents, and it is HELLA HARD, especially with rowdy boys. We try our best to explain things to them versus simply yelling and getting mad, we are honest with them, we lovingly correct them, we listen to them, we say we are sorry and apologize when we do mess up, and we love to spend time with and get to know them."
"We make sure to tell them those things too. It is so cool to see how they respond to this type of communication and love.
"We all truly enjoy one another; our two older boys come to us with hard things, they aren’t ashamed to have us around, and it just feels as if our home is safe and full. Kids are humans who deserve respect, validation, and honesty, and they have immense worth, even when they are hard to deal with sometimes."
—Lauren, 36
9."As much as I try gentle parenting, when things get really hectic or stressful, I find myself raising my voice, the way my mom did when I was young. I want to raise my child with a kinder, gentler method than what I was given."
"Back in the '80s, yelling at your kid was the norm, I feel like. But nowadays, the pressure I feel from other moms to parent this way makes me feel as if I have to, whether I want to or not.
"And don’t get me wrong, I want to. But when my 4-year-old is not listening, the dog is barking, and we’re already running late, I’m glad those same moms aren’t around to see me yell till my face is red."
—Natalie, 47
10.And finally, "In my short-lived experience gentle parenting a 2?-year-old, I think it all comes down to what work you’ve done yourself. If you’ve worked through your own issues from childhood and have grown into an adult with a stable foundation and a lot of emotional intelligence, gentle parenting can be a great framework."
"Does she do crazy shit that makes me pause and think through my life’s decisions? Sure, but I’m not yelling at my child yet. I say 'yet' because I know I’m not a saint and someday I might, but I want to respond to my child’s age-appropriate behavior with my own age-appropriate reaction.
"It’s my job to guide her and set firm, consistent boundaries. That’s what gentle parenting is all about for me: giving her respect and autonomy *and* boundaries that work for the whole family.
"I made her, and I should expect a 2?-year-old to do 2?-year-old things sometimes. It’s my responsibility to parent her in a way that’s going to result in a fucking cool young adult sitting across from me at my dinner table someday."
—Erin, 31
Are you using gentle parenting techniques? Tell us about your experiences in the comments.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length, clarity, and/or grammar.