People Are Sharing The Most Insulting Remarks That Were Meant To Be "Helpful", And My Anger Is Through The Roof

Note: This post discusses body dysmorphia, abuse, rape, child loss, depression, and sexual assault.

Have you ever opened up to someone about something incredibly personal and they completely dismissed your feelings with an "optimistic" tip? This, my friends, is called toxic positivity — a.k.a. the act of denying one's experience through "positive thinking" or a "positive mindset."

So u/Curly_sloth decided to ask people in the r/AskWomen subreddit, "What is the worst toxic positivity phrase or tip someone has told you?" Here are some of the answers.

1."'You don't need medication for depression or anxiety. You just need to go outside and smile more!'"

—DoubleDuke101

2."'You think that's painful? Try giving birth.' (This was said while I was recovering from major surgery.) Or, 'You think you're tired? Try having a baby.' (This was said after I was struggling with insomnia for several months.) Like damn, why do you need to invalidate my experience? You were the one who asked how I was doing in the first place!"

—Notwillurs

3."'You should try to think of people worse off than yourself.' This was told to me while my mom was dying in the ICU (and yes, they knew)."

—Fickle_Flounder3929

4."When my husband died unexpectedly at age 50 (we were together for 32 years), more than one person said to me: 'My divorce was like a death, too.' Nope, not even close."

—mich2va96

5."I remember hearing the phrase 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' when I was a pre-teen — and you know what? FUCK THAT. Pizza tastes amazing and 'skinny', for me, felt like being cold all the time, tired, having headaches, being a bad friend and sister because I was so hangry all the time. I’m sure there are people who heard that phrase that didn’t have an eating disorder, but for those of us that do, in the end, skinny actually feels pretty fucking bad."

—abortionleftovers

6."My grandma telling me that I have to put up with nasty family members 'because they’re FaaaMilYYYYYyyyy.' GTFO, they're bad people, and I’m not going to let them poison my life because we’re related."

—dream_bean_94

7."Upon hearing that I had a miscarriage at six weeks: 'Oh, so you were like barely pregnant? At least it was early.' No, I was pregnant. Then my baby died. There is no 'barely' pregnant. WTF does that even mean, anyway?"

—hedgehug17

8.“'Oh, shush, we’re all a little bit autistic. Buck up, knuckle under, and get your emotions under control — and smile!' No, Paula, I have a legitimate diagnosis, and I’m currently melting down. The fact that a tiny little bit of that is leaking out for you to see it means that I’m in a severe crisis right now. I’m at the edge of what my considerable willpower is able to deal with and mask, which I wouldn’t have to do if you’d, oh, actually recognize that some women have this type of neurodiversity. Kindly fuck in the general direction of off."

—Dry_Distribution6826

9.“'Ya know, I had bad periods until I had kids.' Uhm, having a child won't cure my endometriosis. Thanks. Also, I don't want kids, so I’d have two problems instead of one."

—Remarkable_Towel_213

10."Different variations of 'You can't have kids? Take mine for a day, and you'll be happy you don't have one of your own! Kids suck. Lol.' Yeah, you being a shitty parent certainly makes me feel better about being infertile."

—Kitteh_Kate

11.“'It all made you stronger.' This phrase rubs me the wrong way because it invalidates all the bullshit I had to claw through. I made me stronger. Trauma made me weak, tired, and a repulsive version of myself. If I allowed that to control my life’s outcomes, I would be in a dark ass place. I put in the work. I made me strong. All that destroyed me."

—AevumFlux

12."The HR person at my old job told me to 'lean in more' when I requested a meeting about sexism in the office."

—ResearchLogical2036

13.“'At least he doesn’t hit you!' Like, wow, am I supposed to put up with allllllll the BS because he’s doing something he should?"

—postmclone

14."It wasn’t a phrase as much as it was a tip to 'stop being sad' from a rep at the gym I had just joined. He called to follow-up on why I hadn’t checked in lately. I told him my grandmother, who I was very close with and who had lived with us for years, had suddenly passed and that I was bereaving her. He told me, without knowing me (or her, of course), that she would want me to be there and to not 'give up on living life just because I was missing her' or something akin to that. He then anecdotally told me about how he missed his own grandmother’s funeral in order to attend a cheer and gymnastics conference as his team’s coach."

"I decided to keep it polite and quick. I said thanks for reaching out, then put my membership on hold as soon as I came out of a minute-long stupor of 'Did that really just happen?' once I had hung up with him."

—SassiestRaccoonEver

15."My best friend told me I chose to be born into an abusive (i.e. physical, mental, sexual) and neglectful family because there were lessons my spirit needed to learn from it. They're no longer my best friend. The woo-woo went too far."

—[deleted]

16.'At least you weren't raped!' A Baptist pastor said this to me when my parents put me in counseling when I was 11 after I opened up about years of sexual abuse done by older neighbor boys who threatened, in detail, to kill my parents if I didn't let them touch me and put foreign objects inside of me."

—ffschill

17.“'Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!' This was said on the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can confidently say that this is bullshit. It didn’t kill me, and it didn’t make me stronger. I’ve been cancer free for three years. I can tell I’ll never have the energy level I had before the cancer treatment."

—Toadie9622

18."'Oh, it's just a phrase, you'll get over this soon enough.' No, I'm non-binary and gender fluid. I'm attracted to many genders and orientations. It was not a phase I needed to get over."

—TracyECEC

19.“'Just forgive them.' I feel like the phrase diminishes anger. It’s okay to feel angry about something horrible that happened to you. If you’ve grown up in an environment where you were never allowed to express your emotions, it can be really freeing to not be forgiving."

—tattooedplant

Has someone ever gave you a toxic positivity tip? If yes, how did you respond and what did you do? Tell us in the comments below.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org.