Planes, trains, and birthday wishes

Some people are good at making things.  But us?  Total klutzes.

Take the time in first grade when we had to make paper airplanes.  Teacher passed out all these weird-looking sheets filled with solid-and-dashed lines and told us to start folding.  So, we threw our cards on the table — you can’t get a much worse hand than a 2, 7, and 8 — and waited for the praise we were sure would be forthcoming.

And we got the stink-eye instead.

Anyway, while all the other kids were folding their paper this way and that way, creating fabulous-looking F-16 fighter jets, complete with working afterburners, we spent the day trying to figure out which way to make the pointy edges go.  Eventually, we gave up, ripped the paper to shreds, fashioned a whole bunch of spit wads, and shot down every plane that was soaring around the classroom.

For which we were promptly sent to the office.

Naturally, we were geeked-out of our minds, certain we’d finally get our World War I Flying Ace marksmanship merit badges.  Instead, we got enrolled in shop class.  So, we grabbed our money and dashed off to all the bargain outlets and had just loaded up on all sorts of neat stuff, when the superintendent storms in, marches us out by the ear, and throws us in the cooler.  Stupid school.

How were we supposed to know that wasn’t the kind of “shop” they had in mind?

We may not know how to make paper airplanes, but that’s what a social media platform now wants you to do whenever you’re ready to send your friends a birthday greeting.  Oh sure, they could have picked something cool like a pterodactyl or a self-destructing Acme rocket launcher.  But no.  They had to go with a paper airplane.   So, it could suddenly “fly” your cake-day wishes to your best bud’s page, then crash and burn after going splat against his wall.    What’s wrong with these people anyway?

Haven’t they ever heard of the “enter” key?

And that’s not all that has left us totally gob-smacked.  For the great seer, Robert Lamm, was right. That’s only the beginning of the latest round of silliness they’ve uncorked on the masses. Not only is the shaddup-you-Face-book crew bent on hornswoggling you into sending one of four clickable greetings of their choosing, but your selection is also pretty much guaranteed to ruin a beautiful friendship.

Pick “Happy Birthday to u” and you’ll get raked over the coals for misspelling “yew.”  Which is nothing compared to the hissy fit Bob throws when you wish him a happy birthday followed by a single exclamation point while mutual friend Susie’s wish gets three of them instead.  Even though that was the only option available.  And woe to anyone saying “Happy Gday” to someone not from the land down under.   It’s most uncouth. Not to mention missing an apostrophe.

Add an emoji and you’re just asking for trouble.  Send one little gift-wrapped box to someone expecting a dozen and you’ll be branded a cheap no-good so-and-so for life.   Or a little chocolate cake to folks who are diabetic, and they’ll figure you’re trying to bump them off for sure.  As for balloons, what’s up with that little chintzy red one?  What if you want to send 99 instead?

Or is that only allowed for someone named Nena?

Yes, you can still ignore all the frou-frou and compose your own greeting.  For now.  But clearly the smiling faces think you are intellectually incapable of doing so.  Sometimes.  And that’s the undisputed truth.

Plane and simple.

— Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at www.localbuzzradio.com, Facebook Live and  www.dougspade.com

This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Planes, trains, and birthday wishes