I Practice Gentle & Connective Parenting — But That Doesn't Mean My Kids Are Brats
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I was first introduced to connective and gentle parenting through the adoption community. Several parents were swearing by the techniques taught by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Purvis was well-known as the person who coined the term ‘children from hard places’ — which describes children she worked with who “suffered trauma, abuse, neglect or other adverse conditions early in life.” Purvis was committed to earning their trust, building deep emotional connections, in order to anchor and empower children. Her methods not only worked for children from difficult circumstances, but also for children who weren’t.
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How is this possible? After all, many of us were raised on old-school parenting that we don’t believe caused us immense harm. We learned to respect our parents, teachers, and coaches, right? Standing in the corner, getting an occasional spanking, being grounded from television or going out with friends, and time outs weren’t the end of the world. Why shouldn’t we do the same for our kids?
The more I learned about gentle, connective parenting, the more I realized how “traditional” parenting simply doesn’t work in the long run. Traditional or old-school parenting was about parents getting what they wanted, as fast as possible.
In fact, good old-fashioned parenting is downright exhausting for parents and confusing for kids. Plus, my husband and I have four children, which is a lot of behaviors and consequences to keep up with. No, thanks.
We evolved our parenting as we learned how a child’s brain works and develops. Kids yearn for the same things adults do: acceptance, empathy, second chances, a listening ear, support, problem-solving assistance, and of course, unconditional love. Old-school parenting didn’t supply any of these. Instead, it was very much authoritarian, cause-and-effect (without reflection), and punishments unrelated to the crime. In essence, old-school parenting takes more work for less reward.
Dr. Candice Jones, mom of two, pediatrician, and host of “KIDing Around With Dr. Candice” is supportive of connective parenting. In fact, she wrote an entire book with a strong gentle parenting vibe called High-Five Discipline: Positive Parenting For Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Kids. Dr. Jones told She Knows that old-school parenting which focuses on punishment “falls short.” It doesn’t teach “children how to make better behavioral choices for themselves in the future.”
She also adds that we must understand what discipline actually means. Discipline “means to teach, not punish or control.” Parenting “in a positive, instructive, and connected way” works. Managing misbehavior can also be managed using this approach as well. Our kids don’t get away with murder (lying, stealing, screaming, or anything else); instead, they learn to make amends, express their feelings, and do better next time.
Read that again. Discipline is about guiding, assisting, and teaching — not turning our kids into obedient robots who sacrifice their own feelings in order to appease adults. Yes, our kids must learn rules and how to follow them, but they need our help in doing so. In steps gentle, connective, positive parenting.
When your tween repeatedly fails to turn in their homework, for example, you can lecture and then take away their cell phone for two weeks. However, we know that our tween is going to tune out of our lecture and taking their cell phone away is unrelated to not submitting homework. Plus, launching into a rant about responsibility and distractibility isn’t going to teach your child any lessons.
You might be wondering what you can do in this situation? Gentle, connective parenting would have us asking our child to tell us what happened and how they felt. What was causing them to be distracted or forgetful? What could be done next time? They’ve likely already been issued a consequence by the school. Your job isn’t to over-punish. Your job is to get to the “why” behind their actions and help the child problem solve for next time, perhaps deciding together how they can be more proactive.
When we gave our oldest two children cell phones, we co-created rules with them. These were very clear, fair, and written on paper. We also had a conversation about consequences. If the rules were broken, what did our kids think would be an appropriate consequence that would help them “reset” and do better next time? The kids agreed that they might need a cell phone break for an infraction. Removing the phone might feel like a punishment, but it was actually an opportunity to take a step back and then reflect on making a better decision next time.
Many times, when practicing connective, gentle parenting, the consequence is quite natural. In our home, if a child damages another’s belonging, they use their allowance to replace the item. If they damage something in our home, they help repair it, alongside a parent. None of this involves yelling, threats, or random consequences. Parenting in a gentle, positive way is a huge relief for parents, because it’s mostly drama-free. (I say mostly, because kids are never going to love consequences — but consequences are good for kids!)
I should note that a consequence is never issued until the child-parent relationship is in a good place. The infraction is discussed once the child and parent are calm and in a ready-to-chat mindset. The child has an equal say in repairing the situation, and their feelings are always valid. They are allowed to be frustrated or disappointed, for example; we hold space for that. However, no matter the feeling, they are still held accountable for their choices. This is also a great time, if not pre-established, to ask the child what they think the next step should be. Sometimes it’s as simple as an apology.
I know that some parents feel that gentle parenting isn’t setting a kid up to thrive in the real world. After all, the real world can be harsh, swift to “punish.” However, I argue that parenting in a way that centers trust and attachment between the parent and child teaches a child so many valuable life skills. Kids learn to regulate themselves so that they can make better decisions. They learn to negotiate, self-reflect, problem-solve, and voice their feelings (instead of bottling them up or having parents pretend they don’t matter). Of course, parents need to model these things — it’s no good to talk the talk but not walk the walk themselves.
You might be thinking this all sounds great, but how? How is a parent supposed to practice this type of parenting, especially when they were raised very differently? Thankfully, there are lots of wonderful resources, including Dr. Jones’ podcast and book. I also recommend No Drama Discipline by Dr. Daniel Siegel. There are some fabulous gentle parents on Instagram and TikTok who offer short videos and captions on how to practice connective parenting across all ages and situations.
Gentle parenting isn’t just about discipline. Gentle parenting is about acknowledging, supporting, encouraging, and guiding our kids in all times — good and bad. It’s about spending quality time with them and listening non-judgmentally. It’s about validating their feelings and sharing ideas. This doesn’t mean you aren’t the parent and your child isn’t the child. Practicing parenting that is mutually respectful is far more meaningful than focusing on random discipline.
Positive parenting is not a lack of discipline, nor is it spoiling or creating entitled children. Instead, positive parenting is about empowering kids to have a voice, to work through their feelings, to use their words and bodies respectfully, and learning that adults can be trusted to help them problem-solve and try again. Adults aren’t a threat. They are a coach … and a soft place to land.
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