Here’s Everything You Really Need to Know About the Female Orgasm
Learning about pregnancy, STIs, and safe sex practices is incredibly important during sex ed class, but throughout the semester, there’s a good chance that your teacher rarely ever uttered the word “orgasm.” That’s pretty unfair, considering orgasms are a natural biological function, and sexual pleasure is a normal, healthy part of life. Orgasms are not embarrassing, weird, or something to be ashamed of, and it’s expected to have questions about how they feel and why they happen.
So, let’s actually talk about orgasms for a sec. By definition, an orgasm is what happens when a person reaches the peak of sexual arousal, which comes with feelings of pleasure and muscle contractions in the genitals. For men, this moment also means ejaculating. But let’s talk about the other, awesome kind of orgasm: the vaginal kind.
In case your sex ed teachers aren’t discussing the big O, or you’re not quite ready to have this conversation with your friends, we talked to Dr. Melisa Holmes, adolescent gynecologist and co-founder of Girlology. Below, she answers your most pressing questions about orgasms, so you can feel more comfortable and empowered with your body and the sexual pleasure you deserve.
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is a physical reflex brought on through sexual stimulation, most commonly that of the clitoris. This spot is the most sensitive organ in the vulva (aka, everything “down there” that you’re probably calling your vagina).
“It’s a build up to a time frame during sexual stimulation where there’s just this big release of pleasure,” Dr. Holmes explains. During sexual arousal, blood flow increases to the genitals and your muscles tense throughout your body. The orgasm then “reverses this process through a series of rhythmic contractions,” according to Brown University. During an orgasm, “endorphins are released into the bloodstream and these chemicals might make you feel happy, giddy, flushed, warm or sleepy,” Brown University states.
How do I orgasm?
Different people are stimulated by different sexual activities, but for individuals with vulvas, it usually all comes back to the clitoris. Some people may require the additional sensation of vaginal penetration to orgasm. In general, when you’re reaching climax, the clitoris will become engorged and lubricated. “The clitoris may just look like a little bump on the outside, but it actually has a lot more to it on the inside, and just the stimulation of that creates this intense burst of pleasurable feelings,” Dr. Holmes says.
There are other erogenous zones (like your lips, neck, and nipples) that feel good when kissed and touched, but they might not always stimulate an orgasm. “A true orgasm really does require genital stimulation and most medical providers will tell you it stems from the clitoris,” Dr. Holmes explains.
There’s nothing wrong with experimenting and figuring out what allows you to reach orgasm. It could be oral stimulation of the clitoris, rubbing on the inner thigh, or a mix of multiple things. “The best way to learn, if you’re curious, is to teach yourself, give yourself an orgasm,” Dr. Holmes says. “I think that’s really important to understand that you can make yourself have an orgasm probably better than anyone else can. And you don’t need a partner to do that.”
What does an orgasm feel like?
An orgasm feels different for everyone, but there are some common experiences, including heavy breathing, body vibrations, and sweating. Orgasms can be mild or overwhelming — they range from person to person and time to time. To help you get a better idea, we asked some real people what orgasms feel like. Here’s what they said:
“It’s like the burst you feel when you get a text from your crush... but in your vagina.” — Cam, 15
“I would compare orgasms to going out to eat. You wait and wait for your food, very excited for this meal, then the meal gets there and you take your first bite and you’re flooded with happiness. Take a food orgasm and times it by 10!” — Evie, 17
“My clit pulses — a lot. It gets super, super sensitive. Also, I can feel my vaginal walls involuntarily clench, too.” — Annie, 20
“Having orgasms makes me feel connected to my own body. It was revolutionary to me the first time I had one. I’ve had this body my whole life and was missing out on something so big.” — Alexis, 17
“Uncontrollable, amazing tingling sensation all over the body.” — Kendra, 18
“Like I have no control over my body whatsoever with a ticklish sensation... in the most sexy way possible.” — Taylor, 22
As you can see, orgasms feel a little different for everyone, but the common denominator is it feels very good.
Why didn’t I orgasm?
According to Brown University, one in three people have trouble orgasming from sex with their partner. Since some need clitoral stimulation to climax, simple penetrative sex might not get you there.
When you first start exploring your sexuality, it can take a little bit of time to discover what makes you climax.
Masturbation is the easiest way to explore what helps you orgasm. Different rhythms, sensations, and pleasures affect people differently. If you’re exploring with a partner, there’s nothing wrong with asking them to focus on a specific area or action.
There are also external factors, like stress, that may affect your ability to orgasm. “A lot of an orgasm also stems from our brain,” Dr. Holmes says. “We have to feel comfortable and safe to have good sexual function.” Using drugs and alcohol can also affect one’s ability to climax.
“Everyone thinks alcohol makes sex better,” Dr. Holmes says. “But too much alcohol can absolutely prevent orgasm. If you’re drunk, you may not even notice the stimulation as much. You're a little more numb.” Prescription medication can have a similar effect. “Especially the SSRIs that are used for depression and anxiety. Those are the most common drugs that prevent or inhibit orgasm,” Dr. Holmes says.
Do I have to orgasm during sex?
No, you don’t have to orgasm during sex. Vaginal penetration or stimulation can still feel good without reaching sexual climax. And biologically-speaking, if you’re trying to have a baby, a vaginal orgasm isn’t necessary (although the penis must ejaculate because sperm is needed to fertilize the egg). That being said, there may be a biological reason why we have vaginal orgasms: so that we want to have sex again. “It makes sense that sex feels good so that you are willing to have sex,” Dr. Holmes says. “So the species can be perpetuated.”
So, if you’re not orgasming every time with your partner, it’s NBD. That being said, if you want to orgasm and you feel like your partner isn’t spending the time on you to reach climax, have a conversation about it. If they care about you, they’ll put in the extra work to make you feel good.
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