What running the UK's first maternity clinic for rape victims has taught me about violence against women

Two years ago, I decided to start a charity. I didn’t do it for philanthropic reasons or because I wanted to be the next Mother Theresa. It was actually a selfish move - I had no other option, and I did it for my own welfare.

I launched My Body Back Project in August 2015 - to run specialist NHS sexual health and maternity clinics for women who have experienced sexual violence - simply because I needed it myself.

At 26, I found myself in a situation – around a decade after I was raped as a teenager  – of being unable to access the most basic healthcare, because on so many levels it triggered memories and flashbacks of the rape. Emotionally, I felt fine, but physically I couldn’t cope.

Looking back, I can see that the rape affected me deeply, and I felt unsafe in my own body, in every conceivable way - even when just trying to go to the GP for a check-up.

This isn’t just my story. As I know now, it is the story of thousands, if not millions of women across the world. But it’s not necessary for anyone to get the violins out, start getting teary or feel ‘moved’ –  frankly, that won’t help.

For most women, it’s gone way beyond that. Sexual violence is a fact of life; like taxes, disease and death. That’s why days like today - the UN’s International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women - are so important. According to the World Health Organisation, one in three women have experienced sexual and/or physical violence. But, this does not have to be the case.

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When I first began the My Body Back Project in London, we started running a specialist clinic for women who had experienced sexual violence to have access to cervical screening, STI testing and contraceptive procedures, in partnership with Barts Health NHS Trust.

In 2016, we launched a specialist maternity clinic for women who had experienced sexual violence. Very quickly we were overwhelmed. Appointment requests poured in from women across the UK, a number of which came from Scottish women saying they needed to use the London services, but found themselves unable to afford travel.

Continually having to turn women away becomes heartbreaking. Now, thanks to the Scottish government, and some excellent clinicians, we will be starting an MBB Clinic in Scotland in February. But, no matter where in the country, or the world, women’s stories of violence and harassment contain the same identifiable strands.

A few months ago, I was lucky enough to visit South Africa, and speak with women survivors of rape there. One story has stuck in my head: that of a woman from Johannesburg, who spoke up to her family about the repeated sexual abuse she was enduring from a cousin, but was told to be quiet and never repeat it.

I have seen women physically shake when speaking about what happened to them, for the first time

At the age of 12, she became mute for two years. Now, she recognises that it was a protest - if silence was the only recourse available to her, she would use it, as powerfully as she could. She would manipulate that silence before letting it destroy her.

Because silence is so often the only paltry recourse women are made to feel that they have.

Whether in London or Johannesburg, California or Cape Town women are taught to suppress their pain, or be cast aside. Whether it’s sexual violence, harassment, domestic abuse or FGM – stay quiet or find yourself unemployable, outcast from your family, called a ‘liar’, or a ‘slut’.

In two years of running My Body Back Project, I have seen women physically shake when speaking about what happened to them, for the first time. In fact, physical reactions aren’t at all unusual.

Which is why when the Harvey Weinstein stories came to light recently, it was entirely unsurprising to me that so many women had held their silence for so long – forced by anyone and everyone around them. Then it broke, in an almost tangible tidal wave, when they could hold back the dam no longer.

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It’s also not at all surprising that everyone from Hollywood actors to MPs all have their stories to tell. No, they are not all attention-seekers. Because, one thing I have learnt from seeing the broad range of women who come through our clinic doors, is that it does not matter how rich or famous you are - how clever or tough or big or small. Because it’s not about the women, it’s about the men.

Since 2010, a third of women in need of safety in a domestic violence refuge have been turned away because of a lack of funding. Since 2015, almost half of all Rape Crisis organisations have been threatened with closure, again, due to cuts.

In the last few weeks, thousands of women have highlighted sexual harassment and assault in all spheres of life. And sadly, the most enlightened comment I have heard from any man on the subject has been: “Well, I’ve never sexually assaulted anybody.” So of course, it had nothing to do with him.

The difference is that women – most of us having never sexually assaulted anybody either – cannot choose to disengage with the issue, because sexual violence or the threat of it, is there in our lives. Many of us may wish to switch off from it, I know sometimes I do.

If there’s one thing I have learnt from the past two years, it’s what a different world it is possible for men to seek refuge in. That’s not an option for the thousands of women desperate for refuge spaces this year, the many on the waiting lists of rape crisis services across the country, or the startling numbers on our waiting list.

Or the women who help other women. I’ve noticed a theme while running MBB – it’s often women who do a lot of the work. It’s not uncommon to hear “I told my sister when it happened”, or “I’ve brought my mum along for support.” Never have I seen a woman joined by her dad or brother. Just this morning, I was looking through our fundraising and donation lists, and noticed that out of hundreds of names, only two were male.

This is a mystery: because when I speak to men about eliminating violence against women, they nod along, look serious, and become very pious. Of course, they take it seriously and of course, most men would never sexually assault anyone.

But, where’s the action?

Today is the UN’s International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. This is the day you tell your daughter you would support her if she faced harassment or violence. Today is the day you decide to run the marathon for a domestic violence charity. Until men and women start doing, we cannot eliminate it. You see, it’s not women who are raping and beating each other – so how can we possibly be the ones to stop it?

If you want more information go to mybodybackproject.com or follow on Twitter @mybodybackproj