The Secret To Healthy, Fulfilling Friendships Between Autistic And Neurotypical People

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In 2023, after one too many too-relatable TikToks from autistic creators, I realized I was autistic. I chose to self-diagnose, both because I couldn’t afford the full neuropsychological evaluation and because I’ve had a bad experience in the past with said test. Three years before my self-diagnosis, I went into an evaluation knowing absolutely nothing about autism, and the therapist told me she suspected I might be autistic, but I made too much eye contact and was “too well socialized.” Little did she know I learned that I had to make eye contact, and that it’s still very difficult for me to do so. Back then, I shrugged and accepted it even if it didn’t sound quite right. Now, I know better: I was a high-masking autistic.

At the time, I didn’t know what autistic masking was, but I was doing it way too well. This is a very common issue with women, and high-masking autistic women specifically. “Some research puts the misdiagnosis of autistic women as high as 80 percent. Learning disabilities, in general, are often missed in people with above-average IQ scores,” says Sydney Faith Rose, LCSW, an NYC-based trauma therapist. “Many people feel disconnected from therapy and frustrated by having their concerns and experiences dismissed by mental health professionals. Self-diagnosis is becoming common across disciplines; people who have traumatic experiences with health care or who can't find a doctor they can afford with experience treating their condition often turn to alternatives because they need help.”

Masking is something most autistic people do, sometimes subconsciously, because they’ve been conditioned to hide obvious autistic traits in order to blend in with neurotypicals. Masking is exhausting and takes a lot of energy, and once you start unlearning the instinct to mask autistic traits, you will likely lose people—specifically, friends who are allistic (or non-autistic).

For the most part, I’ve always had an easy time forming new friendships, but a difficult time maintaining them. At 27 years old, I’ve known most (if not all) of my closest friends since first grade, and we’re still very present in each others’ lives. These people know everything that makes me me, and they understand me simply because they’ve been around for so long. With friends like these, who needs new ones?

Plus, it’s always felt like a lot of effort to start fresh with new people—especially because meeting someone new meant I had to explain and attempt to put into words the way my brain worked, when I could barely do that for myself. But in 2022, something shifted. I’d spent a year living in Brooklyn on my own, and I was tired of not having people I could rely on in the city. I realized I wanted vulnerable relationships, and I wanted a community in the same physical space as I was. So, I vowed to really try—for the first time since childhood—to forge close, lasting friendships.

I’ve always carried myself as “what you see is what you get,” so I didn’t think I masked that much. I was wrong. Once I realized the subtle ways I put others’ comfort and society’s unfair expectations above my own well-being, I started my journey of unmasking. And while I’ve lost people, I’ve also gained so much. It’s possible to have meaningful friendships while unmasking, and writing this article has taught me that. Ahead, experts explain how autistic and allistic friends can have healthy, fulfilling relationships that make everyone feel seen, heard, and loved.

As an autistic person, accept yourself first.

Although it may be easier said than done, the key to finding your people is to accept yourself first. “Do the best that you can to accept yourself as you are, and allow your allistic friends to figure out how to deal with it,” says Devon Price, PhD, author of Unmasking Autism and clinical associate professor at Loyola University Chicago. “If they can't deal with [your unique needs as an autistic person], they will never be a good friend to you.”

Advocate for what you need.

“Sensory overstimulation is something that autistic people are always trying to avoid or always needing to avoid, even if they're not actively thinking of it that way,” says Deirdre Malinske, LMHC, a therapist at the Live Your Truth Counseling center. Because of this, they will need accommodations from allistic friends in order to live a fulfilling life.

It can be extremely difficult to identify the problem and request the right accommodation because every day is a new sensory experience. Consequently, an autistic person’s needs will differ day by day. So, the best thing you can do for your relationships is to practice self-advocacy by identifying what you need, and growing more comfortable articulating it, says Price. Some ways to start: Ask a friend to turn the music down when it’s too noisy at a party, request to have dinner with a friend privately at home rather than going to an unfamiliar, busy restaurant, or leave an overstimulating environment when you feel like you’ve reached your limit.

Stim without fear.

Many autistic people also find comfort in stimming, or repeating certain movements or noises to regulate themselves. “Stim openly in front of your friends, talk to them about your special interests, and ask them questions about their life that you genuinely wish to hear the answers to,” says Price. Allowing your closest friends the opportunity to love the authentic and autistic you is a gift—one that the people who love you will cherish.

If you’re allistic, ditch your ableist assumptions and do your homework.

There’s a major (and unspoken) factor that plays a role in whether an allistic and autistic friendship will last: ableism. The truth is that people have a very specific (and often very ableist) view of what autism looks like. If you’re allistic, you might think you understand your friend based on other autistic folks you’ve met or media you’ve consumed, but reality is very different, and autistic people are not a monolith.

“Autistic people are just as diverse as neurotypical people—sometimes even more diverse, in terms of wants and needs in friendships,” says Rose. “There are people who have a high need for social interaction but a high amount of social anxiety; and then there are people who have a low amount of social anxiety and a low amount of desire for intimate relationships.”

As is the case in any relationship where one member is part of a marginalized community, the ally has a responsibility to educate themselves and break the pattern of ableism that is embedded in society. “Your friend's specific needs and feelings will be different, of course, but it's good to do your homework on autism and just how diverse our disability can really be. You may also find that you stand to gain from a stronger understanding of disability justice and unmasking,” Price says.

Btw, it's okay if this doesn't happen overnight—ableist thinking is so socially accepted that it takes actual effort to not think or behave in that way. What matter is that you keep trying, rather than give up because it's too hard. A wonderful place to begin is Price’s book, Unmasking Autism, as well as other books written by autistic authors, like UNMASKED by Ellie Middleton and Different, Not Less by Chloe Hayden. You can also follow autistic content creators that share posts and videos about their experiences, like @neurodivergent_lou and @autisticthrifter on Instagram and @morgaanfoley and @saranne_wrap on TikTok.

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity

UNMASKED

Different, Not Less: A neurodivergent's guide to embracing your true self and finding your happily ever after

Listen and ask questions to prevent miscommunications.

Autistic and allistic people may clash for several reasons (research shows that our brains are wired differently, after all), but in all the conversations I’ve had with autistic therapists and researchers, conflicts between allistic and autistic friends can be boiled down to one theme: miscommunication. “A lot of what I see in talking with allistic and autistic folks is that there's just a lot of communication barriers, and that causes a lot of frustration,” says Malinske.

One common communication barrier is an autistic person’s pattern recognition, as they tend to be very sensitive to change and notice differences in routine. For example, you may be used to a friend always inviting you to their house, but one day, they suggest meeting at a coffee shop instead. “An autistic person might interpret that as maybe they don't want me in their house anymore, or maybe they're uncomfortable with me?” Malinske says. On the other side, allistic people tend to infer meaning to non-verbal cues in general. “If an autistic person is speaking with a flat tone, or a louder voice, or speaking really slowly, an allistic person might interpret that as maybe they're being condescending to me,” they explain.

If neither person asks their friend a clarifying question about what they're *actually* thinking or feeling, they will accept their inferences as facts, and that’s where we misunderstand each other. “And often when we don't understand somebody, we are likely to project things onto them,” says Malinske.

Avoid projection.

Projection is a common experience in relationships between allistic and autistic people. Ask any autistic person in your life, and they’ll have plenty of stories of people projecting onto them, or reading intention and meaning where the autistic person didn’t have any in mind.

Remember, autistic people always try to or need to avoid sensory overstimulation, per Malinske, even if they're not actively thinking about it. “And for allistic people, that can be really confusing, especially if they're interpreting meaning to it,” she adds. “[They think] ‘Why did you turn the lights off? Why did you rip your sweater off angrily? Does that mean you're angry with me?’” Because there are two different interpretations of the same situation, the truth gets muddy and the relationship is strained.

Malia Rogers, a relationship therapist at the Live Your Truth Counseling center, sees this happen to a lot of her clients: The autistic friend will sign up to do something with the allistic friend, but when the day comes, they’re too overstimulated, it feels impossible for them to do anything at all, and they have to cancel. “It has nothing to do with how much the person cares about that friendship, and everything to do with the course of events and stimuli that happened up until that moment that just became too much,” Rogers explains. “And if you don't have that [established] understanding with your friends, it often turns for the worst pretty quickly.” Of course, the autistic friend didn’t want to cancel (and was probably really looking forward to the hangout), but they needed to look after themselves and their wellbeing. The allistic friend, though, may assume the autistic person canceled on purpose or perhaps didn't want to prioritize the friendship.

It can be difficult to avoid projection because, sometimes, you can’t help but take these things personally. I’ve experienced projection firsthand. No matter how much effort I devoted to translating my experience so my friend would understand, they felt hurt by my actions, and I felt frustrated and betrayed by their lack of understanding.

Ultimately, communication isn’t possible if there’s no intent for comprehension. So, instead of jumping to conclusions, “challenge and be willing to question your initial interpretation of why someone is doing something,” Malinske says.

Give your autistic friend the benefit of the doubt—and give them grace. “The biggest thing allistic folks can do is assume the best intention, and assume that the person is trying,” Rogers says. “If you take it from that positive perspective, you're able to navigate whatever snafus or misunderstandings happens after that. Assuming worst intentions really bogs down these types of friendships.”

All friendships require work. The allistic friend may feel like they’re being asked to accommodate a lot, and that’s because they are. But think about it like this: The world is already telling your autistic friend that they need to change who they are. Why wouldn’t you want your friendship to be the one place that says otherwise? I’ve learned that the secret to a good friendship, regardless of neurotypes, is compassion and a willingness to accommodate each other.

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