When Should You Select 'Love' vs. 'Care' on Facebook? What Experts Want You To Know About Emoticon Etiquette
Experts' tips on when to use certain Facebook reactions and when to avoid them.
When Facebook introduced the thumbs-up emoticon in 2009, it was pretty straightforward. If you liked something, you tapped the button. Easy. But now? There are multiple choices—making Facebook reactions etiquette a necessary topic to cover.
For years, people clamored for a dislike button...because Facebook didn't just magically become a polarized playground. It gradually moved in that direction.
Instead, the company (now known as Meta) introduced a series of new faces to tell people how you really felt in 2016: shocked, mad and sad, plus a heart for love. Flash forward to 2020: With everything in flux and toilet paper in short supply, Mark Zuckerberg & Co. rolled out the care reaction—a yellow face clutching a heart.
The well-meaning move was meant to signify a virtual hug at a time when hugging people was frowned upon because of the pandemic. But it raised some new questions: When should someone use it versus the heart?
Sure, emoticon questions didn't seem as high-stakes as, "Should I contribute to the toilet paper hoarding problem?" But they were (and are) valid nonetheless.
"In general, etiquette is all about being mindful of other people, so this certainly applies when responding or reacting to other people’s Facebook posts," says Nick Leighton, host of the etiquette podcast, Were You Raised By Wolves?
But it's complicated because individuals may react differently to your emoticon choices.
“Our tone is going to be interpreted or misinterpreted [online]," says Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas. "Even if you know the person as a friend, [an emoticon] can be misinterpreted."
Still, there are safe bets. And experts have shared useful tips with Parade on how to mind your manners when choosing an emoticon.
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When To Use the Like Emoticon (or Avoid It)
Gottsman says the OG "like" emoticon means "Got it, good job and OK."
In short, it shows approval or that you're into something, but it's not over-the-top affectionate. But there's a time and a place even for the basic thumbs up. That time is not if you are reacting to a sad post, such as a friend's announcement that a parent or pet died. It seems obvious, but some people may post long, well-written tributes to their loved ones. And you may be impressed with the post. Whatever you do, don't hit the thumbs up.
"Respond to, 'My uncle passed away,' with care," Gottsman advises. "This is not a place for thumbs up, even if you thought the status was heart-warming and beautiful and therefore 'liked' the status—the news was sad."
Should You Use the Love, Care or Sad Reaction on a Facebook Post?
The "care" option created some confusion. It's hugging a heart, and people found themselves debating whether to tap "love" or "care" when reacting to a status.
"Love is one of the most versatile reactions, and it most often conveys praise, approval or appreciation," explains Kristin Costa, a communications professional with nearly eight years of experience in external communications, PR and social media.
It's a more emotional, extra-special version of the "like" button. But as versatile as it is, Costa says there are times when "care" is more appropriate.
"Typically, we see users opting for the love emoticon when celebrating or expressing praise," Costa says. The care emoticon is typically reserved for more sensitive or nuanced matters. Every time you hit the care emoji, it’s like you’re sending a warm, virtual hug."
Gottsman agrees: "Care means ‘I’m thinking of you.'"
The love vs. care debate isn't the only one that started when Facebook debuted the virtual hug. Another less-discussed one is sad vs. care.
"Sad should be avoided if care would be more a more appropriate response, such as for more serious concerns," Leighton says. “Sad is a great choice if someone’s ice cream cone accidentally fell onto the sidewalk."
Use the Shocked Emoticon With Caution
At face value, Gottsman isn't a fan of the "wow" or shocked emoji.
"It’s not that cute of an emoticon to begin with," Gottsman says.
She and Costa are aligned. "While Facebook technically calls this 'wow,' don’t assume it’s positive," Costa says. "Most people use this to convey a sense of surprise or disturbance."
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Still, the shocked emoticon has its purpose.
"It’s appropriate to use when reacting to articles on how much rain California has received in the last 30 days," says Lisa Mirza Grotts, a 23-year certified etiquette expert.
But you'll want to steer clear of it when spotting other news on Facebook.
"Never use it when someone shares personal news like an engagement or pregnancy," Grotts explains. "Nobody wants to think you’re shocked they are getting married or having kids."
Laugh at It or Leave It?
The laugh button's meaning should be straightforward. "Use it when it’s something funny or a joke," Gottsman says.
Grotts agrees: "Use it when reacting to memes—just make sure the meme is appropriate."
But the laughing emoticon can have a snarky twist. Disagree with someone? Instead of showing them that their comment makes you angry, you may be tempted to laugh at them using this reaction. Experts agree—this temptation is an emoticon etiquette "don't."
"Fight the urge to retaliate," Gottsman advises.
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You Might Be Using the Angry-Face Reaction Wrong
"The angry emoticon is likely one of the most misinterpreted options," Costa shares. "It’s often used to demonstrate anger in solidarity with someone who posted content, or it’s used to express anger towards someone for publishing something a user found upsetting or offensive."
However, Gottsman says it's best not to use it to express disagreement.
"It’s unkind," she explains. "I am very opposed to people going after other people.”
Instead, Leighton suggests using it to show solidarity with someone who posted about something that made them mad, such as an Amazon package getting lost in the mail.
If in Doubt, Don't React at All
Choosing an emoticon can feel like splitting hairs. The general idea is to lead with kindness.
"We have free speech…but we should act with character," Gottsman says. "We should be understanding and compassionate.”
Gottsman suggests giving someone an old-fashioned phone call to discuss or react to their post or news if you're unsure which emoticon to use. If you don't have their number?
"You can keep moving," Gottsman says.
Next, 55+ Popular Emojis and What They Mean—Including the Most-used Emoji of 2022!
Sources
Nick Leighton, host of the etiquette podcast, Were You Raised By Wolves?
Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas.
Kristin Costa, communications professional
Lisa Mirza Grotts, 23-year certified etiquette expert
