What Is Sexting? Sex Therapists Tell Us How It’s Done (Even If It's Not Your Thing)

Sexting can be a fraught topic—because questions of privacy and consent are currently hot-button issues, and sexting mishaps can be at best embarrassing and at worst the end of your congressional career. But think for a moment that you're actually in a relationship with someone you trust—or met someone on the apps you want to get a bit spicy with via text—and you might want to sext with them. How best to have some fun? Here's our guide to best practices, dirty talk and pictures edition.

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Meet the Experts

First of All, What Is Sexting?

Sexting is any digital texting/messaging that involves sexual innuendo or sexually explicit language, photos, memes or videos. Usually it is intended for flirting or validation seeking, says Balestrieri.

How Common Is Sexting?

Sexting is common—according to one 2020 study, 48 percent of adults from 18 to 29 engaged in reciprocal sexting. More importantly, it seems to work as intended: A Drexel University study reported that 82 percent of respondents had sexted in the previous year, and researchers found that greater levels of sexting correlated to greater sexual satisfaction.

How Do You Sext Safely?

While the only way to be 100-percent certain your images and words won’t be leaked is to not send them in the first place, experts agree that if you are sexting, you need to establish clearly that you want your images destroyed or otherwise kept private. Here's how:

At What Stage in a Relationship Do People Sext?

“Sexting is used in all stages of courtship. It’s part of attracting, flirting, intimacy building and the maintenance of a sex life,” comments Donaghue. The therapist explains that for some it’s their total relationship to a person, "serving no purpose other than its sexual use one-time in the moment.” According to a Texas Tech study of 160 participants aged 18 to 69, three reasons for sexting emerged:

How Do You Get Started Sexting?

“Consent is always key before getting frisky, but the language you choose can be part of the build up and play, in lieu of sounding like a doctor’s office consent form,” Balestrieri says. “Consider texting first, to make sure the person you want to sext is in the right frame of mind and space before initiating a sext. This is especially true if you don’t know them well. It’s probably good to avoid sending any intimate photos until you know they are alone, or at least not with their parents or at work.” Donaghue suggests being straightforward: “Just ask ‘Are you down to sext?’ It’s that simple. Don’t make it any more complicated or dramatic than that. Just get their consent.”

What to Sext: 11 Sexting Ideas

“Everyone’s sexuality and arousal template is different, so focus on what turns you on," says Donaghue. "The more you sext with someone, the more you will learn about what arouses them. You should also ask, as that’s part of sexting. But it’s not just for them, it’s for your pleasure too, so lead with what you find arousing to send.”

Balestrieri suggests these as starting lines:

James recommends experimenting with visual and written creativity:

What to Do If You Don't Want to Sext

Here, communication is key, because sexting isn't everyone's cup of tea, and doesn't need to be. As one Reddit user explains: "I'm usually very open and love sex but it's something I do with my partner when we're both physically present and want it. When he's not there, I don't really think about sex and am 100 percent not in the mood. I'd prefer doing the dishes or reading a good book, so sending him a poem about his dick is not that high on my priority list." Lolz, noted. Whether you're not a fan of sexting ever, or just not in the mood in a certain instance, use honest, judgement-free communication to say what you're feeling or not feeling and why. From a simple "I'm tired tonight" to a more involved "I'm preoccupied by my work situation," your partner should understand.

Brief Recap: Sexting 101

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