'She's in a better place,' 'Everything happens for a reason': Why clichés don't comfort those who are grieving — and what to say instead.

"Up until my son died, I was the poster child for 'Everything happens for a reason,'" Jenna Pratt tells Yahoo Life about her frequent use of that old chestnut.

"I got married and had kids and had a great job, and for a really long time I bought into that," she says. "And then my son died. He was only 2, and it was like, well, there is no reason here. He was an innocent boy who loved watching The Muppets and singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' This was just a s***ty thing that happened to him."

Still, when young Liam died in 2020, of a congenital heart defect, Pratt found herself on the receiving end of the platitude — along with others, from "He's in a better place" to "God needed an angel." The phrases were offered by well-meaning friends and family, but nothing resonated — especially her old favorite.

"Liam's death is meaningless — it was random, it was awful and there's no meaning in it to my mind," Pratt, who now operates the Georgia-based Lionheart Grief Coaching, says. "What we do with our grief and how we process it can give us meaning." But hearing folks try to comfort her with clichés, she says, "really showed me to what extent our culture and our language is lacking" when it comes to grief.

When people cling to such clichés, says Kara Theileman, a grief counselor and researcher with Arizona State University, they are almost always "well-intentioned," and "don't know it will be hurtful." But too often, she tells Yahoo Life, they are.

"I think it comforts the person saying it," she says. "It's their way to deal with a horrible situation that they don’t even want to think about happening to them — or from feeling pressure to say something that's comforting."

But there are better ways to offer meaningful comfort, say experts.

The problem with platitudes

These well-worn phrases, according to psychologist and grief counselor Joanne Cacciatore, are meaningless at best and salt in the wound at worst.

"'Everything happens for a reason' is pretty much offensive to everyone," she says. "It's whatever reason we give it. But it doesn't make [the death] OK." Same problem, she adds, with saying "at least they're not in pain anymore," about someone who died of a drawn-out illness.

"Maybe they're not," she says, "but now the grieving person is in pain. And saying this minimizes their pain, as if they should be glad or grateful — and there may be a part of them that is. But it still minimizes."

Also unhelpful, Cacciatore explains, are phrases along the lines of, "God needed an angel to tend his landscaping," she says, noting, "God had such an issue with his landscaping in heaven that he had to take a 2-year-old?" And, bound to land with a similar thud, she adds, is "They're in a better place." Because, as with all "spiritual platitudes," she explains, "some people might believe them — but that's between them and God … You don't get to tell people what God's plan is."

Especially when someone loses a child, offers Cacciatore, who a lost a daughter in childbirth, it's best to steer clear of phrases like, "'At least it wasn't your youngest, oldest, favorite' — anything that starts with 'at least it,'" which only serves to minimize the pain a person is feeling about the one who did die.

"People are usually trying to be helpful, but are very uncomfortable, and want to say something incisive and helpful," she says, and then wind up being unintentionally hurtful.

Colin Campbell, who in 2019 lost his two teenage children in a drunk-driving crash and has written about his experience in a new book, Finding the Words, recalls one unhelpful phrase in particular that he heard frequently after his loss: "There are no words."

He tells Yahoo Life, "I was told 'there are no words' so many times it was bizarre… in emails and cards and text messages and to my face, and I was like, 'What's happening? How does everybody know to use this special phrase that doesn't mean anything?' It's not helping me, because I need to find the words."

Campbell adds that "it's a conversation ender… they're literally saying, 'We can't talk about it, so don't try,' and to process our loss, we have to talk about it. It doesn't matter that the words are inadequate. We have to try."

So, what can you do or say to offer solace?

'Give up on the idea that you can or should make them feel better'

Theileman says that the most important thing you can do is just "be with the person."

Because while a very human instinct is to want to "fix" someone's pain, it's crucial to "give up on the idea that you can or should make them feel better," she says. "Just let them feel how they're feeling and be with them — and don't avoid them because they're too sad and don't tell them, 'It's been two years and it's time to move on.' Put yourself in that person's shoes ... What would you want people to say to you?"

When the bereaved person is ready, and looking for someone to have a "lighthearted talk" with, she adds, "of course do that — but follow their lead."

Cacciatore encourages asking the griever heartfelt questions about the person who died. "Ask, 'What do you miss most about him or her?' 'Would you like to share a story?' 'Would you be willing to share a photograph?' Say, 'I'm truly so sorry. Would you like to talk about what happened? I'd love to listen if you ever need an ear.'

"Or just say nothing, and look at them with compassionate eyes and tenderness," she says. "I mean, sometimes there aren't words for this."

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