The Shirtless Tongan Flag Bearer is Back
Wow, amazing that the 2018 Olympic Winter Games just began and already Tonga has been declared the winner of every event. Hard to believe, but them's the rules. Congratulations to Tonga and all of its extremely attractive citizens.
Pita Taufatofua, the Tongan athlete who captured the hearts and (wild) thoughts of the world by walking in the Rio Opening Ceremony shirtless, glistening with oil, muscles bulging, rippling, his beautiful tan skin pulling taunt against - where was I?
Right! Rio! Yes. Taufatofua dominated Rio with his sensational appearance, proving that no one in the history of the world has ever carried a flag better.
No offense to Betsy Ross or Marius in Les Mis but this is just a fact.
Taufatofua competed in taekwondo in 2016's Summer Games but lost in the first round, a crime that is still being investigated by Brazilian police. Now he's back, competing in a completely different sport and gleefully walking the frigid streets of PyeongChang in the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony, which will re-air on Friday evening in the U.S.
Honestly, bless this image. Bless Pita Taufatofua. Bless the entire nation of Tonga.
It is roughly negative eleventy billion degrees in South Korea right now, the American team is wearing insulated Ralph Lauren coats and gloves from the Man of the Woods collection, meanwhile Pita, savior of humanity, Thirst Avenger, is striding around like he's enjoying a chill weekend at a Sandals resort. This is, honestly, exactly what I need in my life.
Who can be downtrodden about America's dysfunctional government, the decline in civilized discourse, or the continued media presence of Omarosa, a scourge more resilient than the current flu strain, when we have Pita Taufatofua braving the elements to bring us a glimpse of his shiny ripped body?
This makes everything better. It's hard to be too sad about the injustice of Michael Stuhlbarg's Oscar snub when you're staring at Pita Taufatofua's nipples.
And that V! It stands for Victory and also Very Much Yes.
How it is possible that this man is walking in flip flops in Elsa's kingdom from Frozen and yet he still looks warm? And I feel warm. The whole world is warm. I will never be cold again.
Hoda knows what's up.
I call this shot "Oh, to see without my eyes."
I have it framed above my fireplace and also I carry one in my wallet.
What's perhaps most amazing about Pita Taufatofua's appearance in PyeongChang is that it totally shouldn't have happened at all. The athlete competes in taekwondo! He lives in a tropical paradise! He doesn't need to be out here in this slopes, popping Airborne and shivering. He needs to posted up on a beach taking shameless selfies that I will like and then unlike and then relike, just so he knows I mean it.
Never Forget where you come from... #Polynesian #TimeForWar
A post shared by Pita Taufatofua (Pita T) (@pita_tofua) on Nov 19, 2017 at 1:35pm PST
But, after his defeat in Rio, he was undeterred. He put down taekwondo, quit his job as a social worker, and starting training as a cross-country skier. A cross-country skier! Honestly, this whole thing reads like the plot of a Jake Gyllenhaal movie that I would watch and enjoy but also not understand at all.
"He had a whole job and he just quit it to play a sport he'd never done before? Who approved this? Do all social workers look like him? I could use some social work, if you know what I mean. I could use a home visit is what I'm saying. Do you understand my meaning? I'm saying he's very hot. How did he fit into business casual wear? Is that why he quit? He got tired of bursting out of button downs? Were people in his social working office not adequately appreciative of his enormous pecs? It blame them, frankly. Why didn't he just take up luge? At least you can lie down. I know a place he can lie down. If you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?"
He had never seen snow before and he trained to be a cross-country skier. And now he is at his second Olympic Games. Whomst among your faves could ever?!
A post shared by Pita Taufatofua (Pita T) (@pita_tofua) on Feb 4, 2018 at 4:36pm PST
OMG, I honestly cannot even believe what I am seeing. I am simultaneously so inspired and so appalled. I read about him and I wonder to myself, "Should I just quit my job and become an astronaut? Even though I can't hold my breath very long and I believe the Earth is flat?" Like, apparently, all it takes to succeed in a field for which you are entirely unprepared is a lot of enthusiasm and the ability to hold a flag. Oh, and a body-ody-ody for the gawwwwwds.
Confidential between you and me, I think this man might be insane. But I'm here for it. Let's go crazy, honey. Book me a one-way ticket to Tonga, let's strap on some skis and go wild. We are all Tongans today. Every last one of us.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
